Is time really a healer?

I lost my mum to cancer on 14tb February, exactly 1 month after driving birth to my baby boy.
I’m happily married and have two beautiful children yet the loneliness, emptiness and heartache I feel is consuming. I realise I am so lucky but I desperately miss my mum. It’s been 6 months and everyone keeps saying to me life gets easier but I feel like everyday is becoming an even bigger struggle than the last. I drag myself out of bed everyday and pull myself together because I have little people who depend on me but I cry all the time, even in front of my children which makes me
Feel like a terrible mother and sometimes I have moments where I think I just want to be with my mum and that my family won’t need me as my grief is getting in the way of their lives anyway, I’m just a burden.
It was always just me and my mum, I have no siblings and my dad left when I was a baby. I feel so alone, like nobody understands how I feel. My heart breaks when I see my little boy smile and know she’s missing out on all these milestones. My babies were the reason my mum kept on fighting for as long as she did. Nobody talks about her, or mentions her name but I want them to, my greatest fear is she will be forgotten. I desperate miss her so much, I’ve never experienced such heartache in my life and just don’t see it getting any easier. I keep reliving every discussion and decision ever made during her journey and wondering if we did the right thing, and did she know how much I loved her.
I’d do anything to be able to hold her and tell her what a great mum she was and how loved she really was.

I am so sorry that you feel so devastated over the loss of your mother. I do understand why you would feel this way but plese don’t think you are no use to anyone and just a burden. Your family needs you, especially the little ones and you have got to stay strong for them. Imagine your little ones in the years to come having to tell people that their mum left them when they were little. That would be awful.
You say you worry that she didn’t know how much you love her… Well, I am a mum myself and I can assure you we know these things., so yes, she knew, no doubt about it, you didn’t need to tell her.
Also, I am not a doctor but you could still be suffering from post natal depression which isn’t always only for a short time. Losing your mum could have made that worse. I wonder if you have seen a doctor, or had counselling? Either or both of those might help you.
I think the reason that people don’t mention your mum is because they are trying not to upset you, but there is no reason why you shouldn’t start a conversation about her yourself.
My thoughts are with you. Keep going, get help and I promise it will get better one day. Don’t waste the time you could be enjoying your children or you will look back and have nothing but regrets, Your mum would not want that.

Hi Lola,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum, and how people don’t seem to understand just how difficult this is for you. Unless you lost a parent who was very close to you, like your mum was to you, then you can never understand just how devastating the loss of a parent can be.

You’re definitely not a burden, and your husband and children definitely need you, because you are such a caring person, but the thoughts you are having are quite common when someone suffers the loss you have.

It’s very sad that your mum won’t be there to see your kids grow up, my dad never had grandkids and it makes me so sad that he will never get to see my kids if I get married and have them. All you can do is to make sure your kids get to know all about your mum, as I think that would have made her happy.

People do stop talking about our parents, some because they just don’t care, others because they don’t know how to talk about grief. Recently I met a guy in town for the first time since my dad died, he didn’t even mention my dad and we talked, eventually I had to tell him, and he said that he had heard, that was really upsetting as if he had heard he should at least have said something.

Many of us worry that we didn’t tell them we loved them enough, but they know, you are so caring, your mum knew you loved her so much, that is almost certain, so please do not worry about that. Struggling after 6 months is quite common, maybe online counselling would help you? If so, then Sue Ryder provide a free bereavement online counselling service.

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