So when I joined this site my husband had been gone for about 6 weeks , and I was reading things about people weeks , months , years down the line and still feeling “crap”! I thought we “are all in the same boat”, some are taking longer with the journey ,but we are all in the same direction, Now today it’s 15 weeks for me today that my husband died , I can’t believe 15 weeks and I am still crying , ok so it’s not like the early weeks , that is just “hideous “ , and now I am back at work , I am trying to eat, I go out , I meet friends etc BUT I am pretending ! Everything is ok ! It’s not ok though “I lost my everything, I still cry, I still wait for him to walk through the door , I still stretch out for him in bed , I still cuddle a dam Percy pig teddy in bed sprayed in his aftershave ! “Time is the greatest healer “?? But how much time ? I just feel for the rest of my life ?
Hi @Jane15
I’m 22 weeks and I feel pretty much the same as you.
I go out, I go to meet friends, I laugh, I function.
But inside I’m crying and lonely and just going through the motions.
Not as wretched as at the beginning but it’s still there, hidden mostly
As you say, how much time?
I mean is it for the rest of my life ? Cos I am 56 so I have what 30 maybe 40 years of it ? And before people say “you don’t know you may meet someone else !” Well Nick was my 3rd husband, so that’s how I know nobody or nothing could compare to him , and that’s why I know I wouldn’t want anyone else
I’m sure eventually we’ll adapt but I know I won’t move on, not without him.
I will cope. But I will never leave him behind, he’ll always be the biggest part of me.
But I’m a lot older than you and maybe only looking at 10 or maybe 20 years but unlikely.
I hope you find some peace
I’m 20 weeks in and only 52, so like you @Jane15 I could live another 30,40+ years. That fills me with absolute horror.
I am finding I feel worse as the days go on. Initially there was shock and numbness- that has all but gone, so then the full force of the pain really started to hit and it feels unbearable.
I was expecting the first year to be bad, but have since read that the 2nd is worse and somewhere I also read that by the end of year 3 you start to feel like your feet can feel like they are more set on the ground.
My widow friend is 3 years in and she says her life is ‘good’ not great, but she has thrown herself into a new job, and had a very different relationship with her husband than I did. She keeps herself busy almost all the time.
My mum tells me it never gets any better, but she has never tried to move on and is still stuck in the past.
I also want to know the answer to how long till this pain becomes less but my main worry at the moment is “Will it ever get any better ?”
I feel I have lost hope - not for my kids but for me, and I think as I help them heal and move on, I will be left behind still stuck in this endless cycle of pain and sadness.
The thought of feeling this way forever doesn’t bear thinking about, and I also don’t ever want to forget him. I don’t want to find someone else as it will never be as good, and I was with him since I was 18.
I’m not back at work yet and don’t think I ever will return to my old job. But I do need to find something to fill the time and develop a sense of purpose and routine.
What that is going forward I’m trying to figure out - and I suppose there is no rush as I have lots of time.
Time I don’t really want.
I don’t think time is a “healer” but time does help learning to deal with things. It’s 14 months since I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. The early days and months were just a blur of numbness, shock and sheer sadness of losing him. There’s so much to cope with on top of the loss. So much admin and change/adjustment of your life. I look back and wonder how I’ve managed to actually get this far, but I have.
The sadness some days is overwhelming but I have come to a place of acceptance that I can’t change what has happened.
I would like to give you hope that it gets better and to be honest it does, but not in the way I thought. I will always be sad but I also came to a place where I felt I couldn’t live the rest of my life feeling this bad.
I have cried at some point every day since it happened. Not all day as in the beginning but something every day will bring a tear. However, now I am able to imagine him smiling at me that I’m still missing him and the moment passes.
I keep busy with the family and hobbies (old & new) although spend a lot of time on my own but I’m getting used to it.
I think I put so much effort into getting through the first year that when the anniversary came it was awful to realise that nothing changes in year two or any future year, he’s still gone. So my advice would be not to put a time scale on anything and just keep putting one foot in front of the other a day at a time. There is a way through but it’s different for everyone, you just have to find “your “ way.
Celebrate the little things and keep posting on here, it’s such a help to know others are there for you.
Sending love and hugs x
Thankyou @Sam25
What you have said gives me hope that I will come to accept it and will try to find my way.
I am learning to cope so I suppose thats a start
X x
Thanks @Sam25 for your insight.
I do try not to put any time on feeling better but I think I keep feeling worse as time goes on.
I don’t know if it’s because it’s the summer holidays and it’s normally a time we would love, or whether I am just getting worn down with all the sadness.
I get very little time to myself to grieve, as my youngest is always here and needing support, and my other kids are frequently coming home and spending time here - which is lovely but can be exhausting. I feel like I spend all my time just jumping from one child to another as they have a bad day/week and I am the main go to person they have.
I am struggling to hold it all together for them and just wish my husband was here for a bit of extra support.
I worry that I can’t manage it all any more, but there really isn’t anyone else around to take on that supporting role for them.
I’m normally a strong person, and can deal with lots of stress ( I am a mental health professional ) but I worry that I will break soon and then who will be there for my kids? And they have had enough to deal with without the worry that their mum is losing it all.
I don’t think there is any answer but to keep on going as long as I can.
I’m four & half years without my partner, I still miss him every day, but some days are good days & some bad, & you have to deal and find ways of pulling yourself out of the sadness, music, finding a new hobby, which is what I did, he was my everything 35 years, I would do it all again tomorrow, but life & time just keep going, and you will too, I’m at a cross roads now, which way to turn, really assessing my life and make the changes to be happy, all I know is it does get better with time, we are all fighter just muddling through life
It is 12 weeks tomorrow since I suddenly lost my David, it has definitely got easier. I still have tears and loneliness today has been one of those days for me…I have cried a lot, but there have been other days in the last couple of weeks where I have coped and kind of enjoyed my day. I realise that it is never ever going to be lovely like my time with David was but I have decided that I am still alive, I did not die and David would not want me to wither away and be miserable for the rest of my days, he believed that life is a precious gift and when he was alive he loved life and appreciated it. He died suddenly and the disappointment for me is immense all our plans down the drain but through the tears I have realised that I need to change my life plan, I need to do my own thing and I have been enjoying time with my family. I will take it very slowly and don’t get me wrong I am still devastated, I am still carrying that horrible rock of pain in my heart, the mornings are heart breaking when I wake and realise yet again that he is gone but like you said I pretend and live a kind of charade but doing that helps and it becomes easier and then I realise that for some of the time I am not pretending, I am genuinely enjoying the moment with my family or doing the gardening or watching a film, even food tastes nice sometimes. So when you say you are pretending…keep on pretending and it may get better. But don’t stop grieving, let the tears fall. let the grief hurt. We need to do this to heal and build our new lives around our grief. Hope this helps. XX
I think the summer has made me worse too [roni52] me and David loved summer, and our garden, we loved to go out for walks and this year David had a lovely idea that this summer was going to be the summer of picnics and we were going to take it in turns making a themed picnic, that’s sadly not going to happen. I have been out a few times recently, a trip to Scarborough, trips to other places with my family and I have enjoyed the days out, but today I have been in pieces, crying nearly all day and missing David so much…other people are lovely, they are kind and want me to enjoy myself but for me they are just plain and simple not David so it is never going to be as good as it was, but I do believe that we have to carry on with our lives, it is what our lovely partners would want so I will keep trying.
3 1/2 years my Martin has been gone. I miss him every day. I dont feel time is a healer. Some days are good but other days i so want to cuddle him and talk with him.
I’ve tried so hard to do things but now I’m feeling depressed. I get up go work, walk my dog, its the same thing every day and it’s so hard not having Martin to talk to.
My boys have their own lives and I keep up the pretence that I’m okay to them, they don’t want to see my depressed side and I wouldn’t want them to as they have there future in that I want them to be happy.
I don’t live in the past but I look at the future and I’m 53 so could have many years left and i feel sad Martin’s not hear to share it with me.
My late MIL was widowed 13 years, she said you get used to them not being here. She said you never feel the same but you have to get on with your own life. She rembered the good times with her husband and spoke of him a lot. She advised me to stay busy, which does help.
It does get easier, but grieving is a long painful process and we have to try so hard to keep going.
I visit friends and family, have hobbies, go swimming, walk my dog and chat with other dog walkers.
We have to take one day at a time.
Amylost you are still very young and I wonder if you need some help from your GP to help you.
Or maybe you could look for a career change to give yourself new things to think about. It sounds like your routine has got a bit mundane for you and there is nothing to interest you or challenge you.
You are still young enough to have make a big life change and it could possibly transform your life. 
No-one can tell you how long it will take ! I am 14 months down this road and still feel lost without him, I can’t imagine feeling any other way he was a big part of my life from the age of 17, married 47 yrs. You can’t just move on from all those yrs together to living alone and not feel that you were robbed of the rest of your life that should’ve been spent with him !
So sorry I cannot be more positive its how I feel today, just missing everything about him today,
Will have to pray for a better day tomorrow and so it goes on xxx
I know how you feel my beloved passed away 6 months ago im still hurting and missing him so much haven’t been getting much sleep either. You take care❤️