Can anyone help me understand or tell me how or when it may feel less painful or i might want to feel like living again…
Its been 16 months since i lost my hubby , we were together nearly 30 years and then one day in july23 he felt unwell and 5 weeks later i lost him and it was the most awful time, everything was bad, his hospital care, the lies from doctors, the not telling us anything. I spent the first year in shock , i think , now after trying to get answers from hospital or at least an apology for not taking care of my most precious possession, my world. I cant sleep, i cant get through any day without this huge anger at everything, everyone, i am so tired and so so broken hearted, i called a crisis line at 3am last week as i felt i just cant go on another day without him, they were ok but it ended with being told that they cant really help me, been to gp and offered anti depressant’s, not for me. We didnt really gave friends as we felt we just needed each other, sm i ever going to wake up and not miss him, am i ever going to feel like i want to live … an i going to ever stop thinking that if i wish hard enough or dream if him i can gave him back , i feel guilty about things i said or didn’t say, People say keep busy, go on holiday , but i only want to be busy with him, holiday with him, I’m frightened without him and i just want it to stop hurting but i don’t think it ever will, . He worked so hard to make sure that in a few years we could move , work less and have our best days together , but that was taken from us so quickly and cruelly , can anyone give me some idea or just something to help me through this , i an really really trying but feel like i have nothing left.
Thank you
Hi
I can’t really answer your question as I only lost my wife 6 weeks ago after nearly 50 years of marriage.I struggled through Christmas with the help of my two sons and 5 Grandchildren.
I had looked after my wife for nearly 4 years as she battled with Cancer. I took her out somewhere nearly every day when we weren’t in hospital for Chemo or Scans Bloods etc.
We spent nearly all our time together.Like you we were happy in each others company…Best Friends to share our lives together.
We were going along quite well then she took a turn for the worse and within 3 weeks she died.
Luckily Sue Ryder was there to help and my 2 sons and I were there with her at home when she past away.
With the funeral arrangements and admin to do then Christmas I have been kept busy.
Now when it is all over I am on my own for the first time in 55 years!!
It is frightening…very lonely and I miss her all the time.She is every where I go ,all the memories keep flooding back .People say it will get better with time,but that doesn’t help.
I don’t think I have quite accepted that she has gone forever…when the reality hits me I just want to hit out at someone.We all probably say…it’s not fair…and it isn’t.
I can’t find any sense or reason why such lovely people have to die so young when there is so mutch to live for.
As the days go on I am sleeping less and finding it harder to cope with every day living.
I am so lonely at night time in these long dark cold nights.
But I realise that life goes on and it is up to me
to pull myself together…easier said than done!!
I am going to get out when I can and see my family as much as I can.
I hope you can do the same…
You are not alone in your grief.
I am also going to contact Sue Ryder to try join some sort of group who are all going through this terrible crime and can maybe help each other…
Good Luck xx
Evening Slingshot. I have read you post and feel for your loss although forgive me, I have been married for nearly forty weeks, a lot different from fifty years, for you, although forever in my heart before and after our ceremony in March. We were life partners and tied the knot following his devastating diagnosis and prognosis. We also spent all of our time together and were content to do so, we have no children. I know what you mean with the busyness of funeral arrangements and necessary admin, it gives a focus of occupation. Please don’t feel you need to pull yourself together’ your grief is valid and there is no timeline, and don’t let anyone tell you different. People just need’ us to feel better’, that’s there focus… I am glad you have a family. I have been referred for bereavement counselling from Sue Ryder which I am accepting in the new year and as you say, to contact for you may be a support. I don’t think I have quite accepted my beloved husband is gone and I feel lonely for him but nobody else. It is all so unfair. I hope and pray we may be reunited sooner rather than later as there must be more to life than this and love transcends everything, this life and the next. Take care
Just going yo reply but realised you were answering sling shots reply. to my post…
nevermind x
hello i am so sorry for your loss i know people say this and at one time when people told me they were grieving i would be sad for them but as you know till it happens to someone you love it changes for us my husband died of lung cancer 7 months ago we had been together 48 years and yes i think we will always feel so sad and at the moment wonder how do we keep going and will we always miss them my answer is yes we will but i think as time goes on the pain i hope will lessen me i just keep going and seem able to just keep busy with the boring things but we will get their dont ever feel guilty about what you said or did not say we are human after all good luck
Hello everyone. I lost my husband on the 4th December. He’d fought so hard for a year but just couldn’t beat it. I feel so lost. We’d been together for 22 years, married 19 years. We didn’t have children, and like you @4201 we didn’t have a wide circle of friends. I feel so lonely without him. A week on from the funeral it feels very much like most people around us have moved on, life has gone on for them but for me it has changed. Some people have told me they know how I feel because they’ve lost a grandmother or friend or parent. This is not the same, until he passed I’d never lived on my own, now it’s something i have to get used to. The same with holidays, family occasions, etc. It feels so overwhelming. He was my world, and if I’d have known we hadn’t got longer I’d have held him more, told him I loved him more often, I’m just broken. I’ve always hated New Year, this year with losing him I just can’t bear it.
Sorry to hijack your post, but I knew you’d understand. Xxx
I totally understand what you said , i could have write that myself. I dont know how we carry on i think its built in , survival i suppose. You can always message me if you need too , i get you …
take care , although i dont take care of myself… i hate new year , stick something rubbish on the tv and just think its a boring monday…
Xxx 4201
Thank you, you need to take care too as hard as it is. I’ll very likely watch something stupid then get into bed early xxx
Slingshot. I lost my wife on 17 November - what you wrote is an EXACT carbon copy of me other than the fact that she didn’t need care. Not many men here, and it was helpful to find one with the same feelings as I am going through, to know it’s not just me.
Take care. M
I am so sorry, my reply got mixed up with a reply to you on this thread Forgive me. The struggle that I hear from you and many others echoes my feekings daily. Unlike everything else in this world there seems no answer to grief as it is the greatest weight on the heart and so personal. It was only ever the two of us and that’s honestly what we preferred, we had our own language which I suppose alot of couples do. I am trying to compile an everything we ever said" list as I don’t want lose them to memory. 4201, I do hear your pain and perhaps you could reapproach support services. I was referred to the Sur Ryder wellbeing team for bereavement counselling. I frankly don’t know what to say but I need something. This forum has kept me afloat and I wish I could reply to every single post but then I would find myself all day in my dtessing gown. We are all in a totally unfair unenviable place and one thing I believe is that I will be irrevocably changed by the loss of my beloved soulmate, best friend and husband or 40 weeks from tomorrow . This change reflects my monumental enduring love for him which is the realest thing to me in this world and for eternity.
So sorry your loss, what you are feeling is normal. We all suffer guilt as part of the grieving process, there is no need to torment yourself with what you said or didn’t say. You both knew you loved one another, you did your best through very difficult circumstances. I would recommend counselling it helped me to process my emotions. It’s been nearly a year for me, initially I was haunted by guilt that I could have done better but I realise what a stressful situation we were both experiencing. I wish you better days ahead please look after yourself
I agree with everything you have said. My response recently to a friend who said to me ‘you seem to have got over your loss’ , if only they knew ! was ‘it’s not like a dose of flu! you don’t just get over it , you learn to live with it . I am posting this at 1.20 am because I cannot sleep.
Take care of yourself as best as you can
So very true Beryl. Also, like you, 5:00 am and can’t sleep! Yuk!
Beryl1B, it is true, some people have feet firmly in their mouth, I don’t think they realise as perhaps they would think twice about saying some things. A relative and I were talking on the phone earlier and we referred to by beloved brave husband’s eight rounds of Chemotherapy. She said, he did it for you…" I felt suddenly triggered with my reply, someone that always thinks of something to retort after the event. There is any insinuation that my love didn’t want to be well for himself or our love and life together and an unfair dollop of guilt to boot. My husband didn’t want to leave me for himself, me and us together.
Idiots. I rang my aunt on Christmas Day. She asked me how was my love life? Then expressed surprise that my old dog is still alive.
Then I remembered why I hardy ever call her.
sorry for losses recently by people. i found the first 6 months was the hardest, now nearly 3 yrs on i find its fine, just different after 48 yrs with hubby. yes i miss him him and wish he was here but he isnt and there is nothing i csn do about it so have got to get on with life whatever it brings.
All I can say to you is that I know just how you feel. As I read your message my heart is with you, but my heart is hurting so much. My husband died suddenly in hospital in August 2023, when we thought he was better and coming home, but he never came home again after all our years together. In dealing with the shock I didn’t ask the right questions and then the hospital said they couldn’t give me much information. I had to fight for 10 months to get some medical notes, but these didn’t help me much, I just felt more guilty for not doing or saying things. So I can only say I know just how exhausted you must be, struggling with health services and lack of information or misinformation, feeling guilty (even when friends and family say we shouldn’t). Guilt and remorse is dreadful and many counsellors would try to talk you out of it and focus on the good times - pretty difficult when you miss that person and only want those good times back again!
What would you husband want you to do now, how would he want you to try to live a life (not the life you want) but to go on each day? He wouldn’t want you to be frightened. I can only cope by keeping busy, pointlessly busy and thinking of how I can find some purpose for the rest of my life.
I am sorry i can’t offer any more ideas but lots of other kind people on this site may be able to help us x
Thank you for your reply , it actually meant a lot and made me feel a bit better, my hubby would want me too try and carry on, yes keeping busy is the best thing. Xxx❤️
Hi Pooka
I hope you got through Christmas and New Year OK.It was a tough time for all of us who had to get through their first Christmas without their partner…I have two sons who included me in their Christmas festivities.
They did their best but my heart was elsewhere.
I enjoyed the company for several days but that made it worse when they had all gone and I was at home …alone
It is so quiet and having no one to talk to is a dreadful thing when you are so used to your other half been there with you .Cooking and eating a meal on your own is dreadful.
I am trying to get out as much as possible and meet people,but feel so alone.
I hope you managed to get some help from Sue Ryder…You mentioned you were going for counselling in the New Year.
Looking forward to Spring and a end to these long dark nights.