It is all so exhausting!!!

Losing a partner
#1

I don’t know where to start
My life is ok - my kids are supportive and I wished so much that Jack were here so we could talk about them and what is happening in their lives
It is exhausting not having Jack around

I find exhausting not to be able to share - not to share what is my mind , to share what are my concerns and worries

So exhausting to know that I don’t have someone there with me that helped me to feel safe and supported

It is exhausting to be alone -

At the moment I am at one of my daughters - she lives in the US - I have been here nearly 5 weeks and will go back home tomorrow. It is nice, I love the kids company and all this is a distraction - I don’t feel so alone and at the same time I feel exhausted for not having Jack with me!!!

My soul is tired
My soul misses Jack - I miss his voice, his laughter, I miss his scent and how we were connected
My body misses Jack - I miss his hugs, his hand touching mine, ohhh how I miss him……

I think that this soul is exhaustion will always be within me because half of me is missing

I never ever thought I would be in this situation

Sadie

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#2

Oh Sadie, my heart goes out to you I totally understand how you feel. I lost my husband on 10th December 2021, suddenly. We had so many plans, especially with having lockdown, we made more plans than usual because of not being able to get out and about. The funny thing is they weren’t even all big plans, to many they would just be ordinary everyday plans, picnicking in the wolds, visiting our favourite places, going on holiday to see my son in Spain etc, we planned things we wanted to do further in the future, the dream holiday etc.

We always Had a joke as when we first got together we made a contract that he would be married to me for at leadt 40 years, it ead always pinned on the notice board and I’d often joke with him about it. We were together for 11 years and this March we would have been married for 3.

It is so destroying that he’s not here, we were so happy together, I finally found my true love, I know it sounds corney but he was my absolute heart and soul. When I think about him not being here with my it actually hurts my heart. The everyday life realisum of living without him is so painful, I can’t put it into words properly.

Emptiness, just utter emptiness and sadness. All I think about us the amount of years I have ahead of me without him. My family and friends have been great but many of them now think they are doing me a favour by talking about my future and moving on. If anyone else says to me “things happen for a reason, it’s time for you to live your own life now” I actually think I’ll scream. They don’t seem to understand that I was living my life, my happiest life ever. I didn’t want or need anything else. We just wanted and needed each other, just knowing we were there for each other, those chats over a cup of tea, sharing how your day at work had gone, just being in the presence of each other, that’s all I wanted, it was just complete fulfillment.

I have good days and really bad days. I try and busy myself as much as possible but it always catches me up. I miss him so much, his favourite thing to do was to leave me sticky notes around the house with “love you” written on - I’d find them on a bag of frozen peas in the freezer, on a tin of beans in the cupboard, on the toothpaste in the bathroom cabinet, it used to be like a treasure trail. He’d randomly go down to my place of work when I was working lates and when I’d finish I’d find lovehearts on my car windscreen, or a packet of rolos. Nothing was too much effort or thought for him. He just made me feel so special and important to him, I felt truly loved and cherished. It’s those little things I miss, everyone used to tease him but he didn’t care if the whole world new he was a softy he was proud to tell his friends how happy he was. His little catch phrase was always “I’ve died and gone to heaven being with Karen”

I don’t know how I’ll ever find a way to live without him, and the biggest part of me doesn’t want to. I have resigned myself to accepting that I’m not going to live anymore but just exist. I’m good with that and that’s the way it will be. I’ll go to work and do my job, I’ll be with my son’s and step son, I’ll see my mum and sister but it will be going through the motions, existing it will not be living because my heart and soul is already gone.

Sending you love and hugs

Karen

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#3

Hi Karen
I smiled when you said people think they are doing you are favour with their comments!! So true

Jack died 3 years ago, I had more time to get used to be alone than you have had - in many ways it gets easier but the pain in my case has become more ingrained in my soul!!

It is an odd life -

Hope you have a good Sunday

Sadie x

4 Likes
#4

Oh Karen I so understand all that you say- I was nodding my head up and down as I read your post! Your description of your relationship is so close to how me and my partner Sunny were together. We just loved each other and were so compatible and happy together. What a lovely romantic thing for your husband to do with the postit notes! He obviously adored you- how wonderful. It’s so terrible and tragic what we’re all going through.
My sister in law actually came out with the classic “these things happen for a reason” line and it upset me very much, and I had to tell her to just stop talking. I said that the implication of that particular sentence is that him dying was somehow a GOOD thing, or that his death will actually ENRICH my life in some mysterious way. I asked her what possible REASON there could be for his life ending at 57 and the love of my life being ripped away from me? She had no answer. I’m afraid I cannot tolerate the lack of thought and empathy from people who should know better.
As you say, it’s all so exhausting. I’m so glad I can explain things on here and that there are people who instantly understand.
With love
Sophie x :heart:

3 Likes
#5

Hi Sophie

Yes I agree, having people on here who understand is a real comfort, not that it eases the pain of losing your loved one, just that we get it. You don’t need to paint a face of pretence on, you can just write your thoughts and feelings down and they’ll be someone who just listens, empathises and understands. It’s an absolute blessing.

Take care x

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#6

Sadie I know those feelings…awful…sending strength…:heart:

1 Like
#7

Hi SadSadie
Gosh I relate to so much you said, it is so exhausting, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so drained in my life.
I lost my husband in August, very suddenly, some days I look at his picture and can’t believe he is no longer with me. I’ve know him since I was 8, his mum was our dinner lady. He was my friend through secondary school, we dated briefly at 14 then finally together forever at 16/17. Together for 31 years and married for 19.
He was 48 when he died and I am 50 this year and I have never felt so small, uncertain and alone. We have 2 children of 14 and 17, so I am not alone in the house but deep down, in my soul I am so lonely.
This year I have had to comfort my daughter after the loss of her friend and I am still battling with the insurance companies and my best friend and the person who would support me and understand me is gone. I miss his hugs most of all, he was a big man and I miss the comfort and safety in those arms. I miss kissing his head when we parted at the train station to each go to work, I miss his snoring at night and the heat from him next to me. I miss his voice and his laugh and the smell of his aftershave or that orange soap I always disliked that he loved.
I miss talking about the children and working out problems with him.
I have no one to talk about these thing with, we were best friends, neither of us really needing anyone else so I don’t really have any close friends, and even if I did, they would not be him. He was the one person I really needed in life.

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#8

Dear Lilyboost

You wrote so beautifully about how you feel
It is difficult to talk to people about these things because their understanding is limited as mine was until it happened to me

I hope you have a good day
Sadie x

1 Like
#9

Oh god, I so miss his heat next to me. He used to lay cuddling up to me because he used to say I was like an oven and he was always cold, due to all the blood thinners he had to take. I miss his smell, his breathing in bed next to me. As I would be nodding off I’d quitely say “night, I love you” but he used to wear hearing aids and didn’t always here me say it but took great pleasure catching me out sometimes by replying “it’s 10’o clock” I’d turn to him to repeat “I love you” and be confronted by the biggest grin on his face. I just miss him so much. His cuddles were the best he’d wrap his arms around me and squeeze, he’d be silent for a while because he wanted the hug to stand alone and it did, those hugs silently said how much he loved me. :cry::broken_heart::cry:

8 Likes
#10

Dear Karen and all
Yes i know exactly what you mean- its the loss of my darling man’s lovely intimate touch and cuddles and special language and way of talking and sweet gentle humour that is so difficult for me. It makes my heart hurt :broken_heart: all the time.
Sophie x

3 Likes
#11

I know, it’s awful because quite often at the end of my comments I’ll type “sending hugs”, “my thoughts are with you”, “be kind to yourself” etc but some days as well intentioned that those words are, they just feel so empty because there is no soothing the pain away, there’s certainly “no fixing it” or worse still “fixing me”. I get tired of people who think I need fixing, yes I am broken but I don’t need fixing I’m greving. :broken_heart::cry::broken_heart:

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#12

Exactly! Half the time I find I’m reassuring people that I’m OK when I don’t feel ok, and I realise I’m doing it for THEIR feelings rather than mine. If I don’t do that and tell them how I truly feel, then there’s this need in others to suggest fixes- antidepressants, dog walking, another man, therapy, a mindfulness retreat etc. It comes from a good place, and I’ll be ok eventually, but please just let me grieve!
Sophie x

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#13

I too miss my husbands hugs but also his smell. For a while I wouldn’t wash his pillowcases just so I could smell him. His scent has now faded and I miss it so much. Could do with one of his hugs too night xx

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#14

Sending you all a huge hug as I agree with every last word. I do miss my baby. My muck Magnet. My one shit does plenty. My man Friday. My oink. He was oink and I am moo. I have our ovaltine bedtime mugs in the cupboard. I can’t use them anymore. They were for in the night when we couldn’t sleep. We would laugh going down stairs and make ovaltine. We would the spoon and fall asleep :pray:t5:

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#15

Sophie26
My emotions are fact and fiction. Fiction in that when people ask how am l, l say l am fine as they think after 6 weeks l should be fine, but in fact my grief is raw inside with the feeling of emptiness and loneliness.
People have made suggestions such as go and see a doctor, therapy, get a dog,. etc.when all l want is to have my life back with my wife. Eventually l will be OK but l know it will take time.
Trev x

8 Likes
#16

It would be impossible to be fine after six weeks. You are in the first stages of grief. The numbness the disbelief the denial. You cannot move from a lifetime of love and be okay in six weeks. I am ten months in and am nowhere near coping. Keep posting and help will always be here x

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#17

2 days,of feeling whats the point!! Slightly better this afternoon, never thought this would happen to David .feels like one big nightmare …love to you all x

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#18

Scrappydave.
I get the same feeling of what is the point of carrying on without my Alicia. She was rock, soulmate, lover and best friend. It is one big nightmare. I am not living but existing. I cannot see any future without her.
Take care. X

3 Likes
#19

The cold bit made me giggle, us too!! AND I would never let the Sun go down as bible says, without I love you - love you too xxx