Oh Sadie, my heart goes out to you I totally understand how you feel. I lost my husband on 10th December 2021, suddenly. We had so many plans, especially with having lockdown, we made more plans than usual because of not being able to get out and about. The funny thing is they weren’t even all big plans, to many they would just be ordinary everyday plans, picnicking in the wolds, visiting our favourite places, going on holiday to see my son in Spain etc, we planned things we wanted to do further in the future, the dream holiday etc.
We always Had a joke as when we first got together we made a contract that he would be married to me for at leadt 40 years, it ead always pinned on the notice board and I’d often joke with him about it. We were together for 11 years and this March we would have been married for 3.
It is so destroying that he’s not here, we were so happy together, I finally found my true love, I know it sounds corney but he was my absolute heart and soul. When I think about him not being here with my it actually hurts my heart. The everyday life realisum of living without him is so painful, I can’t put it into words properly.
Emptiness, just utter emptiness and sadness. All I think about us the amount of years I have ahead of me without him. My family and friends have been great but many of them now think they are doing me a favour by talking about my future and moving on. If anyone else says to me “things happen for a reason, it’s time for you to live your own life now” I actually think I’ll scream. They don’t seem to understand that I was living my life, my happiest life ever. I didn’t want or need anything else. We just wanted and needed each other, just knowing we were there for each other, those chats over a cup of tea, sharing how your day at work had gone, just being in the presence of each other, that’s all I wanted, it was just complete fulfillment.
I have good days and really bad days. I try and busy myself as much as possible but it always catches me up. I miss him so much, his favourite thing to do was to leave me sticky notes around the house with “love you” written on - I’d find them on a bag of frozen peas in the freezer, on a tin of beans in the cupboard, on the toothpaste in the bathroom cabinet, it used to be like a treasure trail. He’d randomly go down to my place of work when I was working lates and when I’d finish I’d find lovehearts on my car windscreen, or a packet of rolos. Nothing was too much effort or thought for him. He just made me feel so special and important to him, I felt truly loved and cherished. It’s those little things I miss, everyone used to tease him but he didn’t care if the whole world new he was a softy he was proud to tell his friends how happy he was. His little catch phrase was always “I’ve died and gone to heaven being with Karen”
I don’t know how I’ll ever find a way to live without him, and the biggest part of me doesn’t want to. I have resigned myself to accepting that I’m not going to live anymore but just exist. I’m good with that and that’s the way it will be. I’ll go to work and do my job, I’ll be with my son’s and step son, I’ll see my mum and sister but it will be going through the motions, existing it will not be living because my heart and soul is already gone.
Sending you love and hugs