I lost my husband almost a month ago to a sudden heart attack. All I keep thinking is that if I had started CPR sooner he will still be here. I didn’t know what was happening and it’s all my fault he’s now not with us. I keep replaying the whole thing in my head and can’t stop. I should have known. My two young children are now without a dad because of me
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sorry for your loss but its not your fault. cpr isnt a guarantee of saving someone regardless of when it was started. you cannot blame yourself
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Hi @Mrslmh Guilt is a natural part of grief, the if onlys, the what ifs. I felt exactly the same about if I got my husband to the hospital sooner in a taxi (I don’t drive) he’d still be here. The doctor said it was a non emergency so we waited for the ambulance. We’re not doctors & we don’t know what would have happened. It isn’t your fault & try telling yourself that over & over again rather than replaying what ifs. Sending love & strength 
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Hello
I lost my husband in January this year. Every day I replay the day I found him sat in the dining room, I got up to go to work, he had a coffee by the side of him, I thought he had fallen asleep. I couldn’t revive him, I feel the same as you, I hate myself for not saving him.
There are many people on here who feel to blame for their partners passing.
You and your children are suffering, it is very hard to find a way forward, but you are not to blame, it’s not your fault, I believe it was your husbands time to leave, and that these things are out of our control.
I send you my heartfelt love, please take care of yourself, and we are all here to talk, and help you to get through the days ahead. xx
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It’s not your fault and there’s no guarantee the outcome would have been any different had cpr started earlier. I lost my partner due to a suspected heart attack in April (still waiting for coroner report). It’s natural to feel guilt but you did what you could at the time. Don’t torture yourself, concentrate on looking after yourself through these dark times. Keep reaching out on here, we all know how you are feeling.
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Its not your fault.
Yet most of us feel guilty. Sue died 16 weeks ago. She collapsed after her first chemotherapy treatment, i had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. I followed her down to the hospital in another ambulance (they sent 2 and a car). By the time i got there they were working on her. I went past the room and the door was open, i could see all the machines and people and Sue on the table. I was taken into a room,where it was explained to me her heart had stopped at least a couple of times on the journey to the hospital and with her cancer they didn’t know what condition she was in. So i had to tell them to let her go. I have felt guilty about that everyday, even though i know it was for the best. I have been told by my doctor and counsellor there was nothing else i could do, but i fear that guilt will stay with me till i die. So i am afraid we all carry some guilt but we have to try and continue
Take care and look after yourself.
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No my dear, not because of you. We do what we do at these times as best we can at that time. Now it is all over we blame ourselves. We all go through this "blaming’ ourselves, the hospital anyone. Sometimes these things just have to happen. My goodness it is hard but we will get through it. Our strength grows as the days go by. Cry when you need to, get angry when you need to, rest when you can. It is such early days for you my dear. I am 14months on after 50 years. I have had every emotion I can think of. Grief is a hard thing to cope with but I find when I need to cry, I cry. When I get angry then I scream or hit a cushion. To make sense of some of it I write a letter, journal, if you will to my husband and say all the things I have been through since he passed away. It helps even if you screw it up and throw it away afterwards. I am sorry for your loss my dear. I wish you peace and health in your journey.
Kind regards,
Bee23
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I just wish I done it differently and he might still be here, at least that way I know I done my best. I just don’t know how to carry on without him.
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Please try to be kind to yourself. There is absolutely no guarantee that things could have turned out differently. I am no expert in any of this process but I do feel that you are entitled to love yourself as you love the father of your children. Be happy every day for his life x
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@Mrslmh I’m sorry for your loss.
I too, blame myself for not going up to check on my husband.
He was in the spare room that night and I thought i heard him shout. I went to the bottom of the stairs but didn’t hear any sounds so i thought the noise was from outside. If only I’d gone up! I could’ve started CPR. Instead, i found him the next morning.
I 100% blame myself so i know what you are going through.
Warmest of hugs xx
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@Lonelyplanet I’m sorry you feeling that way too. It’s the worst feeling I have ever felt and don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve cried everyday since it happened and can’t stop. My husband fell on me and thought he had just passed out. It was only when the paramedic on the phone said is he breathing and he wasn’t. Not for a minute did I think he wouldn’t be. I ask myself why didn’t I check that, I should know better. He was so young and now my children and my life has just been ripped apart. Have you found something that helps you deal? Xx
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@Mrslmh I think it will take us both time to reconcile our pain. The loss is so deep and it hurts everyday to exist without him. I also know that success of CPR put of the hospital setting is very low.
In all honesty, nothing helps. This forum has made me feel less alone but the thought of my future without my love is heartbreaking.
I don’t know how old your children are but mine is a teenager and so I got him to watch a video with Martin Lewis (the money guy) on how he felt when he suddenly lost his mum at the age of 12 years old.
I wish you comfort. Warmest of hugs xx
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Sadly my husband died last year in hospital the night before he was due to come home. With all the doctors and equipment around him, they could not resuscitate him. I was told the heart attack is called a widowmaker from which recovery is rare especially in a non hospital environment. Many of those who post here tell of the same, a sudden fatal heart attack and death of their partner. So please let go of taking responsibility for something totally out of your control,. You cared for and loved him while he lived and that love will carry on forever!xxxx
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Please don’t let this trouble you it will make you ill as it has me my wife died suddenly over 2 years ago and i carried out cpr i also think should i have done sooner did i do it correctly I’m sure you done everything possible please don’t let this haunt you you’re darling husband would not want this please take care of yourself
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Out of hospital CPR effectiveness rates are only 10%. Guilt is so problematic w/ grieving. I’ve struggled w/ guilt even though I did so much, best physicians, best hospitals, but I still struggle w/ it.
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After a very long half an hour his heart started but when we got to the hospital he was already showing signs of brain damage. Two days he was in an induced coma until they done an eeg and showed very little brain activity. Equipment was then turned off. Would this be different if I had started CPR sooner to get oxygen to his brain? It plays over and over in my head everyday and can’t get it out. The feeling I let him down is so overwhelming
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It definitely wasn’t your fault i have done first aid all my life and talked to many paramedics on this subject.
The best explanation i heard was.
When the patient drops to the floor they are at there best. 1 minute later (even with CPR) there chance of survival has dropped 50%. Then every minute after it drops 50%.
If a paramedic is standing next to the patient when they go down with everything he needs there is a slight chance.
You did everything you could do and should not feel guilty.
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@Mrslmh guilt is a terrible thing to live with… and can eat you away. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly and did CPR on him. The post mortem came back to say that my husband had died of a large saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer. He didn’t know that he had kidney cancer so such a shock. He was poorly and was due a CT scan and I changed his CT scan by 3 days not realising it was a urgent referral…my husband had started a new job and he had several appointments that week. He died the morning of his CT scan and I felt so much guilt thinking if I hadn’t changed his appointment then they might have seen the blood clot and he would still be here having treatment for kidney cancer. I had a break down at the doctor’s and was put on anti depressants. I was diagnosed with PTSD due to the CPR and the shock of my husband sudden death. I have had a lot of counselling and have seen lots of medical people. At the moment the guilt is not at the front of my mind but may rear it’s ugly head again. With sudden death it is such a shock and you don’t really get answers and somehow blaming yourself is the only control you have. You tried your best and your husband will not want you blaming yourself. My councillor said that it is part of self harm and guilt is part of grief. Keep reaching out to people as talking to someone is will help. Big hugs xx
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I’m so sorry you lost your husband in horrible secumstan es. Don’t blame yourself. I love guilt every day also. My son died in a hospice
I wasn’t with him when he passed. I feel so guilty. It’s with me every day. He had bowel cancer. Aged 39. I know they always say he died peacefully. But it haunts me every day. I should of been there. But due to family I wasn’t allowed. A long story to say on here. Just wanted to say, I know how you feel. My son is in my head every day. Miss him so much. And always will.
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