I’ve had a really bad week and my first thought was to pop on here and get it down somewhere out of my head. I used to use this site so frequently but since moving house and changing jobs, I’ve been so distracted. It’s been good! But I’m definitely experiencing the crash after a busy period - I still do and it’ll be 18 months on Monday since I lost Pops.
Let’s start with my dreams! I usually don’t remember my dreams all too well and I still can’t but you know sometimes you just wake up with that feeling? That they were in them? It’s happened twice this week. I had such a strange yet beautiful experience in the kitchen when I was having a full on melt down whilst trying to listen to his music. I swear, I felt something touch my arm! Call me crazy. Call me desperate. Call me whatever you like, but I swear, I felt the motion of someone touching my arm. It was a split second, but I got such a shock all my hairs were standing on my arms! It’s the first ‘sign’ I’ve had for a long time. I do believe there’s truth to ‘they’ll never leave you’ despite how cliched it sounds.
Since being back to work post Covid, I’ve had terrible experiences with hearing my Dad’s music whilst in public. Has anyone else experienced this and maybe has words of wisdom? It’s happened a few times. Sometimes I can handle listening to his music and fuck, I actually enjoy it! But when you’re hit with it, not by choice, out somewhere you need to hold it together… it’s totally different!
Today, I walked into the kitchen blaring the song I chose for my Dad’s reflection part of his service. Bob Seger - Roll me Away. I didn’t break down, but I was breaking down inside. Then, one of my Dad’s friends walked past my pub a couple hours later and proceeded to tell me he drove past my Dad’s shed last week and someone had graffitied his shed. Now, my Dad doesn’t have a gravestone and his shed (it’s huge) is the ONE place I have left that I know I can go to. I’ve been thinking about going for some time, but haven’t brought myself to go. To hear that his sacred space had been vandalised completely broke my heart and I had to excuse myself and have a big cry. I’ve been holding that for the last 4 hours and now that I’m finished I’m angry! I’m heartbroken that someone would even do that! Some people are so evil and ugly.
Anyway, that’ll do for today. If you read this far then thank you & I’m sending love to all.