It’s been a while

Hi everyone,

I’ve had a really bad week and my first thought was to pop on here and get it down somewhere out of my head. I used to use this site so frequently but since moving house and changing jobs, I’ve been so distracted. It’s been good! But I’m definitely experiencing the crash after a busy period - I still do and it’ll be 18 months on Monday since I lost Pops.

Let’s start with my dreams! I usually don’t remember my dreams all too well and I still can’t but you know sometimes you just wake up with that feeling? That they were in them? It’s happened twice this week. I had such a strange yet beautiful experience in the kitchen when I was having a full on melt down whilst trying to listen to his music. I swear, I felt something touch my arm! Call me crazy. Call me desperate. Call me whatever you like, but I swear, I felt the motion of someone touching my arm. It was a split second, but I got such a shock all my hairs were standing on my arms! It’s the first ‘sign’ I’ve had for a long time. I do believe there’s truth to ‘they’ll never leave you’ despite how cliched it sounds.

Since being back to work post Covid, I’ve had terrible experiences with hearing my Dad’s music whilst in public. Has anyone else experienced this and maybe has words of wisdom? It’s happened a few times. Sometimes I can handle listening to his music and fuck, I actually enjoy it! But when you’re hit with it, not by choice, out somewhere you need to hold it together… it’s totally different!
Today, I walked into the kitchen blaring the song I chose for my Dad’s reflection part of his service. Bob Seger - Roll me Away. I didn’t break down, but I was breaking down inside. Then, one of my Dad’s friends walked past my pub a couple hours later and proceeded to tell me he drove past my Dad’s shed last week and someone had graffitied his shed. Now, my Dad doesn’t have a gravestone and his shed (it’s huge) is the ONE place I have left that I know I can go to. I’ve been thinking about going for some time, but haven’t brought myself to go. To hear that his sacred space had been vandalised completely broke my heart and I had to excuse myself and have a big cry. I’ve been holding that for the last 4 hours and now that I’m finished I’m angry! I’m heartbroken that someone would even do that! Some people are so evil and ugly.

Anyway, that’ll do for today. If you read this far then thank you & I’m sending love to all.

X

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Hi
Reading your post relates to my grown up children there dad passed away 13 months ago i know its only hitting them now. They to have been busy with jobs moving home etc and looking out for me, they have been my rock so i know they have not really grieved. Your dreams i have dreamt about my husband so have my kids. Your not mad. When my husband passed away i fell asleep on our sofa where he died, i was cold so put the fire on, around 3am i thought someone was in my house i felt someone shake me, i jumped up it was dark the fire full on really hot. I had left the doors un locked ,i truely believe it was my husband waking me up telling me to turn off the fire lock the house up and go to bed. I think they are around my son always smells his dads aftershave upstairs. So sorry for your loss xx It is sad someone graffitied his shed not always a nice world. Take care x

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Watt92, I am so sorry about your dads shed, why people do these things I don’t know. Pleased you came back and do hope it helps.
Kim, yes I am sure things happen which we don’t have answers for and I often hear my husband telling me to go to bed and I am sure he is there watching.
It’s nice that you can relate to each other and I hope you can continue to post. Grief is horrible and doesn’t know when to go away. Blessings to you both. Sxxx

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Why can’t my vince send me a sign, why won’t he touch my arm or whisper in my ear. I really need him to do this, I beg every single night for something, anything. His hand on mine, his arm on my shoulder
Anything
Anything at all

So sorry for you loss. I tend only to get signs from Mick when I am really stressed. We had to use Mick car for his funeral because of restrictions my son had to drive following the hurst. Day before the funeral I checked Micks car was clean noticed a large crack on the windscreen so had to be replaced. I got in with a company to do it the same day I couldn’t find the place even with the sat nav I pulled over sat and sobbed I had a strange feeling telling me to look to my right the company was there.
I hope your husband gives you something xx

Thank you @Kim5
I want something, anything at all to show me he is still here, it would bring such comfort to me.

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@Maigret sometimes I think it’s easy to get caught up in wishing and longing for the ‘big’ or ‘obvious’ signs. I think you can find signs wherever you go if you know how and when to look. Do you read much? The book ‘Final Gifts’ by Maggie Callahan really helped me at the start of my grief. It’s not a big or intimidating book but it helped me find beauty and Dad wherever I go. I now look up at the sky differently, I look at nature differently, and if there’s a white feather floating near, I know what it is. Or, if there’s a bee or butterfly that says hello, I know what that is as well.

@Kim5 thank you for your reply. I think the signs come to you stronger when you aren’t desperately searching. I do recall one day when I was deep in grief, I went outside to my garden to finish my cry in some fresh air. A little Robin came and flew right in front of me. I stared at it amidst the tears and panda eyes, it stared right back at me but something about it felt familiar and comforting. I pulled out my phone and hit record. It stayed for a couple minutes, just looking at me, giving a little tweet and flutter, and I just knew my Dad somewhere was telling me to ‘gie it a rest Quine, I’m alright and right here with ya’.

Xxx

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