It’s getting bad again.

I lost my brother to an overdose 2 years ago. I worked really hard to get to where I am. I’m 18 now. I’ve got a job I usually love. But this month I have fallen apart everynight. That feeling, that ache on my chest is back but this time it’s worse than ever. Worse than when he actually died. Everynight I cry and cry for him to come home. I can’t ever truly be at peace with his loss. I feel very hopeless and a lot of the time I wish to be with him. I’m starting to lose the joy I have again in the things I loved. My job especially. I work with children and I adore every one of them. But I’ve found that my anger is resurfacing and I’m finding it hard to control my temper. Every little thing is causing more and more of a break in my heart each and every day. I get lost in the questions I can’t answer. I can’t even spend a weekend at home because it makes me so down that I can’t leave my room. I’m either staying at my best friends house or I’m out drinking. When I drink it’s the only bit of clarity I get. I ignored accepting his death for 2 years because I didn’t have the time to acknowledge it unless I was completely alone. I was in college so I had to focus on that. Now that I’ve passed my course I’ve been working at my job since August. And I really thought I was getting there but this month has just proven to me that i don’t feel like I should right now. Suicide thoughts have been becoming frequent but I don’t want to die I just want to feel the relief of not feeling this anymore. I always wanted to help people. So knowing I couldn’t help him, makes me feel like my life has no meaning. I just wish I could’ve given him what he needed and then maybe I wouldn’t of lost him. A part of me knows that the people around me would be devastated if I was to die. But that voice in my head is pushing passed the barrier of the back of my mind and it’s starting to get more intense every single night. I feel utterly hopeless. I can barely bring myself to think of him without seeing his dead body. My kids at work need me, and yet everyday I’m there now I feel overwhelmed and sad. When I fail to help them in any small way or to teach them something I feel like I’m letting them down, just like I let him down. Like I’m not doing good enough for anyone. I can’t sleep again. When he died I was woken up in the middle of the night to be told, I thought it was a lie. Or a joke. And when I seen my grandparents hovering over my sobbing brother I just knew. So I cried quietly. Silently even. And now 2 years later now I’m the one sobbing uncontrollably anytime and anywhere. No one talks of him anymore, and I know that’s just how a lot of people cope. But whenever I miss him it’s like I compulsively have to over share how much I miss him. I would tell anyone his story and how he died even though I shouldn’t. I desperately need someone to listen for that small clarity. And when it’s over- that weight just comes right back. I don’t really know how to keep coping like this.

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I am so sorry to hear this. I understand that feeling of believing you feel better and then all the pain comes flooding back again. Your mind gets stuck in the loop of grief, disbelief and horror. But hurting yourself will only hurt others around you even more and you have so much to give in your life. Would your brother want you to be so devastated that you cannot live your life? No, he would be so sad if that happened. I don’t have the answers but are you able to get any counselling or have you already done this? Wishing you well x

Hi @Ruexoxo ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling like you are falling apart. There is no time limit on grieving - please be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You may also find What’s your grief a useful resource - What’s your grief? Understanding Grief, Alcohol and Your Brain: Understanding Grief, Alcohol and Your Brain - Whats your Grief

You deserve care and support so please, @Ruexoxo , get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,

Hi @Ruexoxo
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother and also that you have been struggling with all these feelings.
It sounds like you really need to talk out your grief and give yourself some time and space to do that. This site can help with that. It’s hard when people don’t talk about your loved one anymore - I find that the most difficult thing and often it makes me really angry.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t blame yourself - you haven’t let anyone down and it sounds like your job means a lot to you and that shows you are a caring and brave person to try keep going when things are so tough. I think your brother would have been proud of you.
Keep going please, it gets easier I think, but we can’t avoid the pain - it just is awful.
Keep posting on here - we all understand and want to help.

Sending hugs and strength xx