When I first lost my husband, I was coping, just about. I cried buckets every day, but it didn’t help at all. Now, a couple of months later I am desperate. I scream his name and beg him to come back. I think I am going mad. I play the songs we loved even though they break my heart. I put his aftershave on the back of my hand. That doesn’t help either. Am I going to feel this bad for the rest of my life? I would join him but I can’t do that to our family whom I adore and who are so close to me. I am in such unbearable pain. He was everything I wanted and he was mine - we were as one. It couldn’t hurt more if someone had chopped my arm off. How can I go on without him? I know no-one can help so I don’t know why I am burdening others with my despair. The only thing that can stop this grief can’t happen. I don’t want to carry on living but have no alternative. It is a living hell and I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I am sorry.
I am so sorry you are in such pain but please don’t think you are burdening others on this site. This is the one place where people listen and understand. I too lost my husband just under 2 months ago, we had been married 26 years and it was sudden. My world has fallen apart and the pain is indescribable. I understand when you say that it seems to be getting worse as I too feel the same after 2 months. I reach for the phone to text him, plan future events forgetting he’s not here, cry every day and view the future as a black hole. People text or write hoping each day is getting better and I just want to scream no, it’s getting worse! Luckily like you I have good and supportive family around me but it’s so hard to describe the pain and loss that I tend to tell people I’m fine.
Hello, you are not burdening, you’re sharing how you feel, that’s what this is for and why we are all here.
It could so easily be my name on your post and that of everyone else as the words and feelings you express are universal when you lose the love of your life, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other, been married or not been married, this is the price we pay for being in love, being loved and loving our family.
I too wish I wasn’t here as I don’t feel the future has anything for me but then I look at the photos of my grandchildren, my children and my mum who is 86 with her great grandchildren on her lap, smiling with joy, and this brings me back to realising that although the pain and sadness that has engulfed me, life is so precious and we only have one and we have to allow ourselves time to grieve, time to adjust, and time to heal. There is no set time or way to do this, there are days when I don’t even get dressed and I’m three months down the road of grief.
I’m 61, but I’m 61 and healthy, I was loved by my wonderful husband for 15 years, we thought we would grow old together and often joked about having matching Zimmer frames, that’s not to be now but I was lucky to be in such a fantastic relationship based on unconditional love and friendship.
Give yourself time, use this and other platforms to share your thoughts, feelings, tell us anything you want, we are all here for you, we are a community united by grief, complete strangers but we all have so much in common. Big hug (socially distanced of course) attached.
Thank you 0365 and Carolmae for your concern. I appreciate it x.
What you’re going through, many can understand, so please do not apologise for burdening others, this site is all about saying how we feel in the hope that we can get that bit better. It seems quite common for people to feel worse after a few months, initially there is so much to do that it keeps us occupied, but after a few months, we have more time to ourselves and getting used to the new normal can be really draining. These days I get up at noon, and have had to go on medication, which I did not want to, so you’re not alone in really struggling after a few months, there was a woman on here who had lost her mum, like you she would scream her name and said she too thinks she is going mad, please look at “When Grief gets worse and worse” and you will see others who are like you, all I can do is hope and pray that we all get better some day.
I could have written what you said, I have felt so bad, down,lonely and angry today and came here to write about it. I lost june 10 weeks ago and feel worse today than for the last few weeks. I had my first councelling session yesterday evening and felt drained. Today has been a very bad day, with those very dark thoughts which are horribly so appealing. I hope it’s the fallout of the councelling as I couldn’t put my daughter through that.
I don’t know where I go from here, or even if I want to
I have just lost my husband of 33 years 7 weeks ago he was my best friend my soul mate I feel I can’t live without him. I struggle every day and i know how you are feeling i also don’t want to be here. People say you’ll never get over it but you’ll learn to deal with it at this moment that’s now how I feel I miss him every day and scream for him to come back to me. This is thr hardest thing ive every had to deal with.
Dear Carolmae
I too lost the love if my life in June - on my 61st birthday. We too had been together 15 years. We were retiring this year, and going to live in his mother’s place, who predeceased him by only 12 days (at 102). The snatching away of him. our future, as well as the trauma of his death (heart attack - in the garden of what was to be our home - I resuscitated but brain damage was too severe even though we managed to get his heart beating again) has left me reeling. The suddeness. I lost a previous partner to cancer - awful - but we could both/all slowly adjust over the years to it. Not sure where I was going with this, but I just had to throw in my story. One of the things I have noticed is the shunting forward of other gruefs: my previous partner, but also in January this year my darling sister died in a skiing accident 10 months after her husband my brother in law (another key individual in the family) died from cancer… I am feeling loaded up… sorry… I am overwhelmed with sadness at the loss of my husband, but those other losses also thread through. Anyway. Thank you everyone. So, so good to read words that I connect with… it’s a relief. Thank you all.
Hi, you certainly have had more than your fair share of grief, and I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
I have been widowed three times in 23 years, I’m having counselling and councillor has said that I did not deal with the grief before as I went back to work quickly (I had to for financial reasons), so we are now unravelling the past 23 years of my life.
I am older this time, retired, and like you have lost not only a wonderful husband but the future we had planned and that makes me quite bitter as he/we worked all our life for this time. I’m sitting here on my own, feeling so alone, sad and angry but I am healthy, my children and healthy and for that I am so grateful and somehow I have to dig deep and find the strength to go forward and be grateful that I experienced such love and friendship.
You’re dealing with multiple deaths and loss, so much for one person to bear, you’re not alone, there are so many of us in this awful situation, maybe we’re just unlucky or maybe it’s because we’re strong enough to cope.
My husband died in his sleep, he was super fit, a keen cyclist, a gymaholic and could run 5k easily, why his heart stopped beating I’ll never understand, but I’m grateful that his death was peaceful, my neighbour has bowel cancer and told he has 3 months to live, I know Gary would prefer his death over what my neighbours is going through.
Take care be strong and remember we are all here for each other, united by grief .
3 times in 23 years! WHAT?! I can’t begin to contemplate your rage. I’m enraged for you. I never expect life to be ‘fair’ and I have no belief in any ‘grand design’ but by any standards that’s enough to make you want to scream into the abyss for years… Hell’s teeth… literally. I’m so sorry. That’s beyond depressing. PS I am losing faith in the benefits of cycling - it seems too often to figure… Thank you for your support.