It’s been 19 days since my mum does and 5 weeks since I lost my dad and since mum passed I’ve been busy sorting things out and not thinking of my loose. Yesterday I had a good day as in I felt more relaxed and at peace but I finally tried to go to sleep at 2 am and burst into tears and feel blue again.
My dads wife who hates me and at funeral never in the service mentioned me or m sister has sent my sister a pillow for our mums loose which to me Is disrespectful as she is why my parents break up (not that’s she is all to blame) and she has spent the last 30 years come between me and my dad and my sister and my dad.
She had made her 5 children his only family and made us the scummy daughters who didn’t care when in truth we card so much but couldn’t put up with her hate.
I fell out with him 8 years ago over me asking about the marriage he had before my mum and I was born and my dads wife saying she was throwing him out at 10pm when he had copd. I landed up calling police in her and an ambulance for him. That night he disowned me and we didn’t really make up.
I feel guilty for never telling her to sod off and let me see my dad or that’s he didn’t know when he died that I was still his little girl and I loved him with all my being.
I’m fighting two griefs and two different angers at my parents as me and my mum spoke more but I let her get in my head about ,y partner of 18 years and never let him move in, get married to him, be happy.
I’ve spent most of my adult life being abused my kids dad, raped by a guy I was seeing to meeting my guy and never letting him close enough or respected his feeling from my family rejection.
I’ve shut down and not letting anyone in but my best friend who lives too many miles away.
I’m scared of loosing my guy like I’ve lost my parents but I can’t let him in.
I feel lost
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you must see a counselor and take time to untangle this and get sorted out.
I am so sorry.
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