morning, it will be 18 months on 19th since my husband passed away suddenly, we had celebrated our golden wedding anniversary in the March and exactly 2 months to the date I was attending his funeral.
at first I didn’t want to get out of bed let alone get dressed, but had to as I look after our daughter’s pug Winston whilst she’s at work, I eventually got Ada my own little pug. between the two of them, they’ve been my saviours.
everything is very very raw for you at present, and no doubt you cannot look ahead, I know I couldn’t. didn’t want to plan anything, didn’t want to go anywhere. everything felt a huge effort. slowly, very slowly the bad days became less and the fairly decent days increased. I still have rollercoaster days and still succumb to attacks of anxiety, thankfully, these too are becoming less frequent. primarily due to removing and in the process of removing the trigger points.
I’ve had the platitudes, predominantly from ‘well meaning’ friends and ‘frenemies’ who haven’t a clue how I’m feeling not having lost their husband/wife/partner.
the first 12 months passed in a blur and was full of 1st anniversaries. how I got through them I don’t know, this second year is just as traumatic because I’m more aware of my loss, going through anniversary of the first anniversary, although these recent couple of months I’ve felt I can see chinks of light on the horizon. somehow feel as the time progresses so are the feelings of my loss progressing. I still have my bad days as previous wrote, but these are beginning to become less frequent. a dear friend said that we never get over a loss of this magnitude nor do we forget them, but we learn to live with the loss. I still take each day one day at a time and have begun to make plans however tiny, be it a coffee at lunchtime with a friend, even an odd evening out. we can never get ‘over it’ as many keep saying, we have to go through it.
I know Alan, my husband is with me always, I’ve found it very difficult living on my own, we met when I was 15, married when I was 17 and he was 20, this is the first time I have ever lived on my own. in total we were together 52 years married for 50 of those. he passed away 38 hours after the doctors told me the latest tests revealed he had cancer, he had no symptoms and had never visited the doctor in over 45 years, I was grateful he didn’t know, grateful he didn’t suffer and grateful I was able to be with him as he passed.
I’m not trying to detract from your very very raw grief, but trying to say that it does get easier, it may not feel like it at first, and each day can be different, there’s no quick fix, no right or wrong way to grieve, there’s no time limit on grief, we are all different yet United in our enforced circumstances. it’s not about making a new life it’s more about making and living a different life, different to the life we lived with our beloved husbands/wives/partners, and we grieve in the only way we can, the way that we feel is right for ourselves.
this forum has been a lifesaviour for me, and I have made a very dear friend too. knowing others are travelling this enforced road does help us and can be comforting too. here we can vent all our emotions and no one judges, and whilst it may not feel like it at present, your days will become easier in time.
apologies for the epic war and peace post.
truly hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today