It seems to get harder each day

It’s just over 3 months since I lost my lovely wife Christine,but it’s getting harder each day,I keep remembering those last weeks which were such hell,I try to keep positive,it must be one of those days I feel low.

I look at our photos together,which brings such lovely memories,oh if only I could turn the clock back she was my rock,I do try to stay strong,but inside I’m broken-hearted.

M50…
…yes the longer, the harder it is to comprehend that they will never be coming back…No time is not a great healer as some would like us to believe…It is coming up to seven months since i lost my Richard aged 74…

Jackie…

Hi M50, stay strong - I also tragically lost my beautiful husband while we were on holiday back in July - and my emotions are all over the place. One day I feel fine, then next day the tiniest thing can trigger my grief. I’m not sure if it will help you, but I actually write in a journal to my husband every night before I go to sleep and tell him how my day has been - sometimes I’m angry, happy, sad, etc - I find it truly helps. Just take tiny steps take each day, hour or minute as it comes - we’ll get there but may be a few bumps along the way…

morning, it will be 18 months on 19th since my husband passed away suddenly, we had celebrated our golden wedding anniversary in the March and exactly 2 months to the date I was attending his funeral.

at first I didn’t want to get out of bed let alone get dressed, but had to as I look after our daughter’s pug Winston whilst she’s at work, I eventually got Ada my own little pug. between the two of them, they’ve been my saviours.

everything is very very raw for you at present, and no doubt you cannot look ahead, I know I couldn’t. didn’t want to plan anything, didn’t want to go anywhere. everything felt a huge effort. slowly, very slowly the bad days became less and the fairly decent days increased. I still have rollercoaster days and still succumb to attacks of anxiety, thankfully, these too are becoming less frequent. primarily due to removing and in the process of removing the trigger points.

I’ve had the platitudes, predominantly from ‘well meaning’ friends and ‘frenemies’ who haven’t a clue how I’m feeling not having lost their husband/wife/partner.

the first 12 months passed in a blur and was full of 1st anniversaries. how I got through them I don’t know, this second year is just as traumatic because I’m more aware of my loss, going through anniversary of the first anniversary, although these recent couple of months I’ve felt I can see chinks of light on the horizon. somehow feel as the time progresses so are the feelings of my loss progressing. I still have my bad days as previous wrote, but these are beginning to become less frequent. a dear friend said that we never get over a loss of this magnitude nor do we forget them, but we learn to live with the loss. I still take each day one day at a time and have begun to make plans however tiny, be it a coffee at lunchtime with a friend, even an odd evening out. we can never get ‘over it’ as many keep saying, we have to go through it.

I know Alan, my husband is with me always, I’ve found it very difficult living on my own, we met when I was 15, married when I was 17 and he was 20, this is the first time I have ever lived on my own. in total we were together 52 years married for 50 of those. he passed away 38 hours after the doctors told me the latest tests revealed he had cancer, he had no symptoms and had never visited the doctor in over 45 years, I was grateful he didn’t know, grateful he didn’t suffer and grateful I was able to be with him as he passed.

I’m not trying to detract from your very very raw grief, but trying to say that it does get easier, it may not feel like it at first, and each day can be different, there’s no quick fix, no right or wrong way to grieve, there’s no time limit on grief, we are all different yet United in our enforced circumstances. it’s not about making a new life it’s more about making and living a different life, different to the life we lived with our beloved husbands/wives/partners, and we grieve in the only way we can, the way that we feel is right for ourselves.

this forum has been a lifesaviour for me, and I have made a very dear friend too. knowing others are travelling this enforced road does help us and can be comforting too. here we can vent all our emotions and no one judges, and whilst it may not feel like it at present, your days will become easier in time.

apologies for the epic war and peace post.

truly hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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To Jen, just read your post I also lost my husband after ,50 years and been together from me being 16, he had never been ill till last Nov and got terrible brain disease c j d for which there was no cure I nurses him at home till he sadly passed in June this year ,and miss him every day ,every day is different some days I cry all day then another day I make myself go out you said it gets easier as time goes on I hope it does but at the moment I can’t see it, take care , Elaine

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elaine, I too couldn’t see it getting easier, it is only recently I’ve been able to feel I’ve progressed a little. it never goes away, and there’s not been a day since Alan passed that I’ve not shed a tear, but I do feel a little stronger, will never entirely be the person I once was, yet feel I’m still inside all this sadness somewhere.

it’s not easy is it Elaine ☆

truly hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today.

blessings
jen ☆

No it’s not easy but you have to do it best you can ,I trying my best I will get there eventually but cant see it yet, thanks Elaine x

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Hi Jen, thank you so much for telling us how you are coping and have coped. What a help you are,
This weekend will be a year since I lost Brian, God knows where that year has gone. I have no idea, as yet, how I will get through the weekend. I don’t particularly want to inflict my misery on family members and as Brian’s daughters have made no contact since the funeral doubt they will bother with me. It’s not a day to celebrate, yet I want to let him know that I am thinking of him, always.
All I can say is that the last year has been a mix of up’s and downs. Tiring, full of struggles, tears everyday but I accept them as showing my love for Brian. But I have searched for those happier moments and will keep searching until the sadness diminishes. I know I have said this many times but my dogs have been my saviour also. When I wanted to stay in bed and ‘die’, I have not been allowed to. They make me smile and even laugh with their antics and the love I receive from them is overwhelming. Both asleep on the chair/settee at the moment, nowhere for me to sit. Bless…
Pat xx

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Afternion Pat, lovely to hear from you,

On Alan’s anniversary last May, our son and daughter, along with Winston and Ada, came with me to the chapel of remembrance at the crematorium, I went in alone, it was difficult but something I had to do, when I saw Alan’s name etc on the open page I broke down, took me a good 20 minutes to compose myself, afterwards we went to a local dog friendly pub/restaurant and had a little lunch. everything was simplistic and helped.

shall be thinking of you Pat ☆ sending lots of hugs

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

Hello Jen

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and support,it’s so hard at present,I do try and keep busy,I think of Christine everyday,not sure how I’ll cope leading up to Christmas.

I enjoyed reading your post,it was so reassuring and supportive to me,you understand how it feels,people say to me,oh snap out of it you’ll get over it,but it’s not that easy.

I’m going to see a counsellor tomorrow,which may help,but I will look for some part-time work in my trade,my daughter keeps me busy at her house with joinery work and decorating which I enjoy.

But I still feel lost and in a daze,I always told Christine how much I loved her,she was my rock for nearly 40 years,it doesn’t feel like a home anymore.

You are right there is no quick fix,but like yourself since joining this forum,I have had lovely kind support from people in our positions.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply with your lovely kind support.

Best wishes Mike X

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evening Mike, sad in the way we’ve exchanged posts but so very pleased I’ve been able to give you some hope, however small this may be.

here anytime you feel the need to talk to someone. either on the forum or private message whichever feels comfortable for you. I have made a very good friend from this forum and we’re meeting for a jeal on Thursday, she’s a truly formidable lady. believe me, talking either via this forum or the occasional individual message really does help, doesn’t take the pain away but helps us from going insane. take care and feel sure whatever path you choose to travel will be the right one for you.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

Hi there Mike. What insensitive people to say snap out of it. Of course non of us are going to ‘snap out of it’. I wish it was that easy to do, then there wouldn’t be so many broken hearted people. We are grieving and struggling. That’s why we have come on this forum to ‘talk’ to each other and be a support or ask for support. We are all here for each other, so don’t be afraid to contact anyone of us. We all understand.
Pat xx

Hi Pat,thank you for your kind reply,thankfully they are few around who make comments like this,I met a counsellor today for the first time,but I started to get upset talking about my Christine,I did apologise,I have always tried to stay strong,I just couldn’t help myself,I see her again on 20th November,I’ll just see how it goes.

Best wishes Mike X

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Its been 19 years since i lost my husband to cancer. He was 51, i was 39… i still cry. This week has been so hard, am single and recently relocated. I have to force myself to go out… i have months where i am happy, sort of! Then i have days when i just cry. I hope this passes soon as you can’t change whats past but i feel so alone. Nobody to share days out etc. It is so hard. We are all different in coping, i have coped well but feel i am falling apart x

Hello Wendy,I feel your pain,I sadly lost my lovely wife to lung cancer in July this year,it’s so hard,You have suffered for such a long time,I just try to take each day as it comes.

I cared for my wife at home for the last 8 weeks of her life it was just hell,watching someone you love fade away,you just feel helpless,I went through my doctor who arrange for me to see a counsellor,who I met for the first time today,but were I live they also have a cancer support centre for people to meet,please try and seek some help you have suffered long enough.

I try to keep busy,and active which helps,but the pain is still there,when I go out I leave the radio on,which helps returning to a empty house,I’m not looking forward to Christmas,but I have stay strong for our married daughter.

Please take care,best wishes Mike X

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Hello Mike, I am sure your counsellor has seen it all before and will understand. I too try to be strong and it’s not easy breaking down in front of strangers. I’ve never cried in front of people and even my family. I don’t think my children had ever seen me cry and can’t understand my heartbreak. My daughter said to me “Your the strongest person I know and will get through this”. So I cry alone and programme myself to keep strong in company. I had some counselling and on the first day it was my husbands birthday and I was in bits throughout but we got through it. Keep going. If you have a hospice nearby they have group counselling and it’s helpful to mix and have a general chat, sometimes over a cuppa.
Good luck
Pat xxx

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Wendy I am so sorry you find yourself falling apart when you feel you have coped well, it must be daunting. With me, I think I should be coping better by now but don’t really feel I’ve moved at all. But of course I have. I’ve learned to laugh at times and talk about Brian without the tears (well almost). I keep busy and don’t really mind my own company (most of the time). I write down what I have done everyday and quite surprised when I read it back.
I have met up with people that have travelled through grief for some years yet still say that they have bad days, so I think It’s probably understandable that you have set backs.
Have you a hospice near you they have group and individual counselling and I know that there are people that are years along that grief road who have had to attend meetings again. Is there a cancer organisation anywhere near as they also have helpful get together’s or even pop in places you can attend.
Probably locating has made you feel a bit unsettled and brought back memories I hope they will settle down when you adjust to your new surroundings.
We are here to listen so come onto the forum and have a ‘chat’. It will help and you won’t feel so alone.
xxx

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I’m so sorry for yr loss and yr pain it’s all raw for me too
Having lost my loving wonderful husband and coming to terms with the the fact I am no longer a wife but a widow.

Hello Trying
I know exactly what you mean! I’m a widow at 58! Been with out my husband over a year now.
Just feel lost and alone and so many questions I can’t answer.
What will 2020 bring!!!
Will I always be a widow now and alone? Or will I meet someone who I really like ???
Daren’t think about it to be honest it scares me and I sometimes have a panic attack.
If someone told me they love me and want to look after me for the rest of their lives I think I will cry because for the last 36 years my late husband has told me he loves me and has looked after me.x
Who ever it maybe they Will have to be some one really special who likes walking ,eating out, holidays dancing and are happy go lucky and crazy and fun loving like me. Lol.

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