Hi everyone. I’m part of this club that no one ever wants to be invited to. The dead mums club 
. My beautiful mum took her last breath with my holding her face and telling her I love her and thanking her for being the best mum and grandma.
Long story short mum had cancer, but was having chemo, and although we knew eventually the time would come in my head I had it mapped out as such - stopping chemo eventually, slowly deteriorating, maybe hospice obvious signs the cancer spread and will cause her death but none of that happened. Like I say she was still having chemo and her oncologist was confident there was other treatments to try.
It happened literally in a few mins.
So to outsiders saying you feel still shocked about your terminal mum dying seems to not be totally believable.
I’m 45, I have a 12 year old son and with my mum we were just the threesome that each other needed. And now it’s the two of us, no other family, I don’t have any close friends, luckily my son does.
I am totally lost. I truly don’t know if or when it will be better, when the horrible turning stomach stops. Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I obviously keep going and stay strong for my son but my feelings are actually numb.
Whenever I do go out I get jealous if I see a mum and daughter or anyone that looks older than my mum-67, and I selfishly think why my mum, why couldn’t she live that long. I’m usually fine in my own company, never really lonely, but wow I feel so alone. Losing the one person who would have done anything for you, loved you no matter what. Anyway that’s me and my life.
J x
Hi @Beanie2979 ,
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Alex
I feel ur pain exactly mum died 10 weeks ago due to neglect in the hospital so it has broke me completely it was just me and her at home always im 36 she was 57. Ive a brother and sister but they live far away so its just me now i havent made it back to work yet and right now dont no if i ever can. People seem to just move on not me i cant sleep at all
You are not alone. I lived with both of my parents all my life until my Dad passed away in 2019 and then in Sept 2024 whilst I was with my Mum she became unresponsive and passed away. My whole world is broken and I find myself getting annoyed that others don’t understand (my brother and sister live away and their grief journey is different) or have the opportunity to spend time with their parents. I don’t have loads of friends and those I do have obviously their life continues so I find myself alone a lot and go days without talking to anyone.
Currently having to clear the house and go through probate and attempt to get a mortgage so I can stay in my home of 36 years. It’s only been two months but it feels like years since I spoke to Mum and the pain is real, physical, heartbreaking pain.
I’m so sorry about your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss - my Mum died in August, just a few weeks after being diagnosed as terminal, it doesn’t feel real to me either. like you I am dreading Christmas - I have 2 sons who are nearly 20 and 17, they love Christmas and my Dad wants us to all be together so I have made a pact with myself to ‘dig deep’ and try to enjoy the day. be grateful for what I have and remember mum and know she’d want us to be together but the pain is real. I have physical aches since mum died (am told this is common in grief). I have benefitted from some counselling, being able to talk openly and honestly without worrying about upsetting anyone - maybe consider looking for some counselling if you can? I just wanted to reply so you know you are not alone - take care x
So sorry. 
It doesn’t feel real to me either, though it’s been a year since I lost my dad. We lived together so it up-ended my whole world and I’m still very lost. I don’t have many around me and those few have their own lives, which continues on while mine has sort of stopped. It’s horrible in every way. Sending lots of hugs. 