It was 1987, but I think of it it every day

I was 9 when he died. I’m 39 now and still not recovered. I was there in the hospital where he lay. I was woken as child to witness his last breath. Everyone stood back. To this day I feel like the last, the only…, I was 9

Hi Catriona,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you lost someone close when you were so young and that things still feel so hard. There is no timeline on grief, and people say that it never completely goes away, you just learn to manage it.

Do you think that you got enough support and a chance to talk about it at the time, or perhaps this is something you didn’t fully get a chance to deal with? Either way, I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as many people do find that it helps to be able to share things here.

I have found some other posts from people who are dealing with a loss that was a long time ago - you may want to read and reply to these:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/i-cant-believe-shes-gone-even-after-10-years
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/lost-my-mum-december-1995-when-i-was-10

If you have any questions about the site or there is anything I can help with, just let me know.

Thank you. I didn’t get to talk to my mum too much, she was distraught and rightly so. It was just the two of us then. /she was very hard with her questions and still is today. I love her but she wants constant reassurance that I didn’t think it was her fault. Blimey. To this day she feels inferior to the Løve I had fir my dad. It’s selfishly nothing to do with her. We still,nearly 30 years later are connected but different.

That sounds like such a lot for a child to deal with - having to reassure your mum as well as coping with the loss of your dad. Have you ever considered having any counselling? Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk things through with a neutral person - you can focus on yourself without worrying about anyone else’s feelings.

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