It was never mean’t to be like this. I find myself once again back at work, a new term begins. There are always tears the night before, but no one is here now to say not long to go now until you retire and we can enjoy life together.
A panic sets in and heart beats like crazy, I feel nauseous, Doug would have said you’ll be ok once your there and he is right. But now I have no motivation, no drive just want the day to end so I can get home to sanctuary.
We were meant to go on term time holidays, days out, coffee at a local cafe, gardening, jobs around our home, none of that is ever going to happen now.
We did talk about me taking early retirement, how I wished I had done that now, at least we would have had some time together. Now retirement when it comes will not hold the joy it once did.
I’ve been back at work 12 months since Doug died, it has never got any easier. No one to say enjoy your day, no one to greet me with a cup of tea and ask how my day went.
Nothing just silence.
In a weird way I find the school holidays easy to cope with, I have friends to go out with, family to visit and activities at my church to go to. I’m the only one in my social group not retired.
I thought, I hoped that once I got through the year of first’s I would begin to turn a corner, some days feel I have others not so much. The overwhelming longing is never going to stop or the heartache. Even just companionship it’s all gone.
My sister in law told me the other day still after 36 years she still longs for her husband, it’s going to be a long road ahead.
The rain outside to is not helping my low mood and sadness either. I just miss him so much. 
So sorry you’re feeling like this Debbie, but I totally understand how you feel.
I retired at the end of the August & my darling died on the 15th February. I was 60 when I retired, but, like you I wish now I’d retired earlier so we could have had more time together.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!
I feel exactly the same as you, after just over a year of firsts, I was feeling a bit better, but I’ve been for some shopping today and thought about Ian all the time. I feel like I had a lead weight in my stomach. I’ve been near to tears all day. I’m aware of myself sighing all the time…
I know this feeling won’t go until after I’ve had a sleep tonight. Then, tomorrow is another day.
You’ll be ok again soon Debbie , you really will. But in the meantime, I am joining you today in having one of those “miss you” days.
Look after yourself, sending love
Janeyxx
Thank you Janey, it’s always hard first day back after school holidays.
I’ve got to work until I’m 66yrs seems so unfair having to work an extra 6 years.
You can never tell when a miss you day is going to happen, they come out if the blue, so hope after a nights sleep we both have a better day tomorrow.
Love Debbie X X