Its 4 14 am and still no sleep all I can think of is you my darling pauline I love you and I’m so in love with you I miss you so much baby I’m a shadow of the person I was I’m falling apart I’m trying so hard to keep going for you and our pets but I don’t feel I’m good enough I think they would be better off without me I’m empty lost lonely broken-hearted I can’t tell anyone in my family how I feel and that I just want to die they wouldn’t understand and to be honest they wouldn’t care the only ones who love me are our pets and I do love them so much that’s why I keep on trying but what if I’m not good enough maybe I should look into rehoming them but you and me is all they know maybe I’m being selfish if it’s just me I could give up I have changed since I lost you I have told myself I won’t love anyone now apart from our pets in the 3 months and 4 days since I lost you I have only been around other people 3 times I messaged your brother the other day he said pauline crosses my mind from time to time but I try to get past that because dwelling on her being gone does me no good either I can’t get past it you are my every thought every second of every day and I love you and i need you I’m nothing without you I have cried more for you than I have anyone in my whole life through all my faults and my mental health issues you still loved me and never gave up on me I was blessed to have you in my life and destroyed the day I lost you I’m so sorry for times I hurt you with things I said in anger in arguments please forgive me because I can never forgive myself you really are my soulmate and the love of my life my one true love and I will love you forever its getting hard to see what I’m writing with tears rolling down my face I’m so broken babe and there is no getting fixed the only thing that could fix me is having you back and I can’t have that no matter how much I want it rest in peace my beautiful angel I’m always yours as is my heart and soul xxxxx I always ended my text to you with 5 kisses I only ever did that for you my darling pauline
Hi Casey, please don’t give in to the darker thoughts. I have not lost a partner, but in the last 19 years up to March this year in order I lost my dad, my oldest sister, my mam, my twin sister and now my youngest daughter (28). I almost lost 2 other sisters in the last 2 years.
Desperation pulls at us all, I am fighting to remain strong for my other children and look after my daughter’s chihuahua. I don’t really want a dog but he was hers and when he lets me I can hug him and he licks away my tears. I feel I can’t buckle in front of my children so I keep it bottled up. I spend so many nights laying in bed crying for what won’t be. I am searching for a light at the end of the tunnel but at the moment I don’t even have a cause of death for her.
Keep fighting Casey, things will get better. I may take time but it will xxx
@Zecal hi thankyou I am so deeply sorry for your losses it must be so hard for you and especially having to stay strong for your other children thanks for replying to me and please don’t keep on bottling it all up you have to let it out and I will keep trying I owe that and more to pauline and our pets I am so very sorry for all your losses you are one strong lady stay safe take care you are in my thoughts sending you hugs x
Thx Casey, I joined here because I know I cannot keep it bottled up but I can’t lose it around my kids. My eldest daughter found her little sister dead so she, in my opinion, needs more support from me. All we can do is keep trying, day after day. You are in my thoughts too hon xx
@Zecal I can understand that it must have been so hard on her to find her sister like that I am so sorry I hope you find out soon what caused her death and yeah we have to keep trying everyday its all we can do
Hi Casey. My heart bleeds for you,it really does. You are so eloquent with your words. I think you should channel all that energy into a book for Pauline that helps others to understand the sheer raw grief you are feeling. Just a thought but you never fail to bring me to tears and I know it wod help you to channel what you feel I to helping others.
You are a beautiful person and capable of so much. Xx
@Angiejo2 hi angiejo thanks I have never been told I’m eloquent with words before I just speak from the heart with pauline which is so easy to do because my heart is full of love for her its funny before I met her I couldn’t show me emotions very well when I was a kid I was told it was. weak to cry and I was laughed at for crying so I hide it and wouldn’t cry around people I really have to trust someone to show my emotions around them unless it’s a funeral and I loved them then I can’t stop myself pauline showed me what real love is and made me a better woman in so many ways was so kind gentle loving affectionate good listener I could go on for hours she was is my perfect match my soulmate I’m sorry that I bring you to tears thankyou again I don’t feel like I’m capable of much but it’s nice to know someone else does pauline always told me I was capable of anything and always believed in me she is my angel god bless her and our lost loved ones how are you doing? and how is your family?
Casey1,
I’m new on here, only been on today.
I lost my wife four weeks ago and man… the pain, loss, you know it…
I had a call from the hospice at 3am on a Tuesday morning, it rang once, I answered they told me in no uncertain terms to make our way up to the hospice…with our kids…(OMG…!)
I wake up every morning at either ten to three or ten past three…without fail,
That is what it does to you my friend, it weirds things up.
I hope and know we can all grow/learn/lean/whatever…to make us more than the half a person we feel now.
You are not alone bro.
Foggy
@Foggy hi foggy I am so very sorry for your loss I’m sorry you find yourself and your kids going through this heartbreak but I’m glad you found this site you will find support here and everyone understands how we are feeling I’m often around if ever you want to chat and your right we do feel like we are only half a person now stay safe and take care friend
Hello Casey, hope you don’t mind me replying.
Keep on writing, put it in a journal, put it in your phone, get a diary.
Say how you feel.
Tell her how much you’re missing her, how much you love her.
Let her know what you’ve done today,
Spend a bit of time with her, spend a lot of time with her, you would normally I presume.
Just because she’s not here physically doesn’t mean she isn’t here in your heart or your mind.
I do it every day with my wife, it helps me massively.
I’m not telling you how to deal with your grief by the way as everybody’s journey is their own as I’ve very quickly learned.
It may not work at all, but it’s worth a try.
I feel your pain Casey on a daily basis, just trying to help.
Take care.
@Craig2 hi Craig thankyou and no of course I don’t mind I am so very sorry for your loss I do talk to pauline everyday from the moment I wake till the moment I fall asleep even when I’m walking our dog cara I’m talking to pauline people who see me probably think I’m crazy it gives me some comfort to talk to her but I just miss her so much as we all do our loved ones stay safe take care