It's been 10 years

I have realised I have never got over the death of my mother,I had my father to care for as I lived with him,no way was I leaving him to cope.then 18 months later,dad died unexpectedly and I’ve tried to cope without them,I buried my feelings with alcohol for a long time but gave aa a go to deal with it. I’ve joined this forum as although I have a fiance,I shut off completely about my feelings.He had heart attack last year so I dont want to stress him,but I’ve had relapses lately as I’ve been struggling to cope.

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your parents. There is no set time line on grief, but bottling up feelings and not being able to talk about it can certainly be a factor that causes more problems further down the line. I’m glad that you’ve found this site and started to share things here - it is never too late to open up and get some support.

I can understand not wanting to cause your fiance stress, but if he feels that you are shutting him out, that might not be good for him either. Have you considered looking into any counselling? It could be helpful to have a neutral person to talk through the issues without overburdening your fiance.

While you wait for more replies to your post, I thought you might be interested to know that we have had another user called @DanM11 join recently who has posted about the death of his dad in 2005 and how it was many years before he was able to grieve properly. You can read and reply to Dan’s post here.

Thanks for your kind words and Dan’s message helped.Ive been reading others experiences hoping they’d show me I’m not alone. I’m angry at the world for carrying on and nobody seeing what’s really going on in my head.

Hi Sarah,
Firstly my condolences in regards to your parents.

Secondly, I’m glad that my experience was able to help a little. Feeling angry is a natural part of grieving, not only us it natural but it comes in waves throughout your lifetime… even more so when your reminded of loved ones who have passed on.

The best thing you can do is not dwell on the thought of not having them with you now, but to remember the legacy left behind. You are clearly a very emotionally connected person and this is a wonderful thing! Use these emotions to focus on the future, the positives and your nearest and dearest.

With that in mind, I really understand that you don’t want to worry your fiancé, but I am sure he is probably the person best placed to be at your side as you come to terms wit loss. It’s so easy to push people away because we don’t want to worry/stress/bother or upset them… but the real reason we do it is because it means that you have to open up and deal with the pain you feel. This is the only way people can see how you feel, we have to show them. :slightly_smiling_face:

Hope this helps,

Hi Fireking

I am so sorry you are finding life hard after the loss of both parents. My Dad dies when I was seventeen and as my Mom could nor cope I organised the funeral as I am an only child. I gave up work many years later to look after my Mom when she became ill. Sadly she died seven years ago and some days I cry as I miss her and my dad never really grieved properly when either of them died. I know you are worried about your fiance but I am sure he will know you are struggling to cope and that will worry him. Please try and speak to him or do you have any close friends who would be able to help through this that you could talk to. This Covid-19 is making everything so difficult for everyone too just wish the lockdown was over and we could get back to normal again. Please take care. Sending love and hugs

Thanks ever so much for your support,Carol. I’m sorry for your losses too. I will be looking into grief counselling when we are through this situation. But for now I’m learning how to manage my depression and anxiety and try to journal when I can through self help and you tube. I’m also on an anxiety forum until I can delve into those deep rooted fears and secrets I’ve been holding onto for so long. I know I’ve been scared to write down anything about mum and dad but sometimes my emotions trickle out onto the page and I have a cry and release about it, subsequently I usually dream about them which I hope is my way of connecting with my feelings and accepting they are gone from my day to day life,but are both there when I need them and will be one day. I hope the same for you.xx

Hi Fireking

Thanks. Writing down your feelings is a great coping mechanism. I believe you will see them again as I am sure this life cannot be all there is there just has to be something more on the other side. Counselling will certainly help although I have never gone for counselling I have quite a few friends who have done. Sadly it is not for everyone. I work part time as an Office and HR Manager but also do voluntary work for an animal charity and help RNIB clients complete benefit claims as the forms are a nightmare and are very confusing that does help me cope most days just keeping busy. Take care of yourself.

Aww, you are an inspiration. Just proves there are angels here on earth too. Thank God for people like you.xx

Message me anytime you feel you need to vent and never ever be afraid of letting out grief. Our society is sometime just too bottled up. i have a friend who works with me and she was born in India and can never fully understand why we have such a short grieving process when someone dies. Sadly her grandfather passed away last year so she went back home and they had about week of preparation and another two weeks afterwards which helps everyone immensely . We are all so busy here that once the funeral is over you are luckily if friends and family stick around for long after the funeral tea. We rush the grieving and maybe after all this lockdown is over we will rethink how we deal with life in general and be much more mindful of others and support each other more. Oddly enough my friend Angie and her Mom Sylvia live next door to David and I and Sylvia said yesterday over the garden fence that it is about time people stopped being so greedy and thoughtless and maybe following this lockdown people will change. Somehow as much as it would be great if that happened not too many will but we can live in hope. Off to sort out the cats dinner and I had better make ours too. Will catch up later. Just take it easy

Carolann, absolutley, the strain, worry and anxiety about covid19 is horendous. It’s an added stress whilst grieving. A nightmare, Take care everyone.

Have a good evening Daffy123 abd stay safe

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Thank you and you too.