Its getting harder everyday to keep going without you. I’m so lost and empty and I feel so hopeless. I’m trying so hard for you and our babies. But I feel like I’m failing you and them. I love you and them so much. How do I do this? My life ended the day I lost you. I hate being here without you. I look at the animals and feel so sorry for them I’m not the person I was and I’m down most of the time. I only have love in my life still because of them. They deserve someone who can be happy around them. I’m losing all hope babe. I get fleeting moments of happiness with the pets. I think half of me has given up and the other half keeps going for them and you. I just want the pain to end. But I know it won’t. I will never get over losing you. I know you are gone but everyday I can’t help but think she is really gone and it breaks my heart. I picture you in my mind and long to hold you and kiss you. To have a two sided conversation with you. To see you and your beautiful smile. To look into your amazing beautiful eyes. The mental health team are discharging me as they say they have no interventions to help with my obsessional compulsive disorder. As I said to them its not just that it’s the personality disorder and severe depression. I have only seen the cpn twice and spoken twice on the phone and I’m meant to be on a waiting list for talking therapy and the woman I was seeing is now leaving the team. she said she would tell her manager I still need support and it will be up to them. I don’t feel like I have had much support from them in all honesty. I have suicidal thoughts everyday. I won’t act on them because of the pets. I won’t leave them. But I’m so tired of battling everyday and so worn out. The only contact I have with people is on here. I have no next of kin. I have to try to sort out a next of kin so that when I go they can make sure my ashes go with yours. My head is such a mess and I just feel so hopeless for now and the future.
Dear Casey
It was so sad reading your message. I’m not a counsellor but I can see life is a struggle just now.
You are suffering loss, deep loss, so depression is sometimes a part of this. I’m glad you have the dogs and that they are your reason for going on; that at least is important, for you and them.
Right now it must be so difficult, but hang on in there, and keep writing on here because there are many great people who can and will help just by being there and sharing your thoughts.
Best of luck,
Miche24
Hi Casey, I can see you are really struggling at the moment. It’s hard when you have no family to support you and I can understand your worry about you ashes being together.
Am I right in thinking you just passed the first anniversary since losing your partner. I think the second year is harder in some ways than the year of first’s. It feels as if we are moving further away from them and that makes me sad. In the first year it’s alway this time last year we were doing this, suddenly that’s gone because there is no new memories.
I kiss my husband’s photo everyday morning and night and talking to him all the time, I know how you feel just wishing you could hold them and kiss them and say all the things you wished you had said.
I see you mentioned Talking Therapies, I waiting for them to get back to me, my GP said keep phoning and reminding them you are still waiting. I’m also doing something called Silver Cloud, and on line counseling. That was on the Northamptonshire Talking Therapies webpage so worth looking to see if they do it in your area too, and you get a supporter you can email anytime. It might help in the mean time.
Just keep going, one day at a time. You and your dog’s need each other, and we are all here for you too.
Sending love Debbie x
@Miche24 hi miche24 thank you I have suffered with depression all my life. But since losing pauline my mental health issues have gotten worse. I have a dog who is 13 and 2 cats who are 5 they give me a reason to keep trying and I can’t leave them. But I also don’t want this life. But I have to keep going somehow.
@Debbie57 dear Debbie thank you. On the 14 of this month it will be 14 months since I lost her. It makes me sad too and yeah I have done that with this time last year during the first. I also kiss her picture morning and night and talk to her all the time as though she were still here. Thankyou so very much for replying to me and for your advice. I will look to see if they have any in my area. Love and hugs xxx
So very sorry for how you’re feeling Casey.
Pauline would hate to think you’re feeling this bad.
Are there any bereavement groups where you live? That may be worth researching, sometimes speaking to other people in the same position (like we do on here) really helps.
That seems to be very good advice from Debbie too.
I hope something helps you Casey, it breaks my heart to think of you struggling on your own with your gorgeous dog & cats.
Please, please, keep reaching out and looking for help.
Thinking of you & sending love and hugs
Janey xx
Hello Casey
Everyday is a battle, some days harder then others. I too have suicidal thoughts regularly but I have to stay for my boys, dog and cat, they need me.
Could you go back to your GP and ask is there more support for you, as you are still struggling. Like Janey says about joining a bereavement support group or google Wayup as this is a support group who meet up around your area regularly.
Have you a gym to go swimming at, it helps just seeing others and maybe get to know people there and exercise is important for our mental health.
Take care
Amy x
@JaneyS dear janey thank you. You are right pauline would hate to see me like this. I have been self neglecting since losing her. So I look an absolute mess. Part of me wants to be around people but the rest of me is afraid to be. I have had people make narsty comments about how I look when I’m out walking cara. I ignore them but it still hurts. Some time after I lost her I had to go shopping and the lady who served me at the cigarette counter asked me how pauline was and I told her she had died, there was a guy standing there listening and as I walked away he asked me if I was male or female and I said what’s it matter to you and he then said look at the state of you, you scare people. I told him you shouldn’t judge people on how they look as you don’t know what mental health issues they might have. I have to keep trying no matter how I feel for our babies. I’m just hurting so bad. I have never known pain like this and the emptiness and sadness and feeling so lost is there all the time. I feel like I’m broken sorry. But thank you for your support sending you love and hugs xxx
@Amylost dear Amy you are right everyday is a battle and yes some are harder than others. I look at cara and I can see her age showing on her and I worry about how much longer I have got with her. She is my baby. I don’t have kids so my pets are my babies and apart from pauline they are all that is left in this world that I love. It’s hard isn’t it when you get those thoughts of wanting it to be over. I have always had them and acted on them in the past but its been worse since losing pauline. I won’t do anything I can’t my pets need me. Thank you for your support sending love and hugs xxx
I wish you lived near me Casey, I would definitely help you. I have lots of good, kind friends who would too.
There are some good people out there. Luckily for every thoughtless person, there is a thoughtful one too. I’m sending you strength Casey. Please get back onto your GP on Monday and google Wayup who Amy mentioned.
We’re thinking about you xx
Dear Casey
How are you doing today? I see you have had some really kind and helpful comments from people on here, I hope it helps to know they want to help you.
Right now the love you have for your animals is giving you the strength to go on. They love you, Casey, you are their world - it doesn’t take away your loss or the pain, but it is special.
with hugs
Miche24
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@Miche24 dear Miche thank you for checking in on me. I’m still low but it was a slightly better day. It does help having people on here to support eachother and knowing that other people care and yes they do help very much. This site really is a godsend. You are right my pets do give me strength and love and yes it is very special and they miss her too. I hope you have had a good day. Thank you for all you do on here and the support and kindness you show to others. Thanks for the hugs. Sending hugs x
I know that feeling thank god for my furbies or I don’t think I’d be here
Bless you Casey, just so long as you know where to come when you’re struggling, and on better days too. Hope you’re giving the dogs a treat today. Miche24 x