Its getting worse

I lost my daughter Lizzie to cancer Aug 18 she was just 34 years old.
I did the things you have to like funeral and paper work .
I had counselling through work and went back to work 2 weeks after the funeral.
Work were doing the nice sympathy for about 2 days ,then it was like nothing had happened.
I struggled in the run up to xmas ,became more and more withdrawn,
I tried to be all happy and chatty in the office but couldn’t cope anymore.
Severe anxiety and panic have become my companions .
Me and my husband went on a
2 weeks holiday in January for our anniversary but it was horrible ,i was so ill and felt in despair.
I dont feel anything anymore ,no joy no pleasure no feelings.
I have not gone back to work GP has put me on antidepressants ,they not working at moment been on them 2 weeks.
I spend all day in the house ,i scared when i have go out .
I feel like packing my job in and staying at home ,the thought of going back is too much.I feel like i am watching life going on and i am not part of it anymore.
I have 2 other daughters and 2 grandchildren but i cant connect with anyone .
Trapped in a room ,no peace no feelings of safety my world has stopped .
I hope i will smile again one day

Oh Gill I’m so sorry for your sad loss. You describe exactly how I feel. This at least tells us that others go through the same emotions after losing a child. I too lost my daughter in August, aged 36, and like you my world has stopped. Nothing seems worth while and at this point I don’t believe it ever will again. Even with other children, that are loved dearly, it is hard to comprehend living the rest of our lives without our lost child isn’t it?
Christmas was atrocious as I felt obliged to please others. I said I wanted to be left alone and ignore it but others were determined I would enjoy it.
It does not seem as if you were anywhere near ready to go back to work. I don’t feel I could concentrate and I don’t want to be among people for whom life is just going on. I want to scream ‘have you forgotten already?’ It’s not always possible but for now I try to go easy on myself and choose my situations even if it offends others. My answer if I am pushed is ’ When you have arranged your own child’s funeral you can tell me how much you feel like …’
You really are struggling and understably so; this is monumentous for us. It is said to be the most stressful thing in the world.
The many books I have read on the subject say that we will survive. They are written by survivors so they do give us hope.
Please please keep posting. It helps.
I’m sending you love and hugs.
Xx

Dear Gill
I too lost my daughter to cancer. She was 29 and passed away on December 18th after a 20 month battle so I sadly understand all too well how you are feeling.
I went back to work also 2 weeks after her funeral and although people are kind I feel so alienated from everyone. Life no longer has meaning though i try so hard for my 2 sons. I alternate between sadness and anger - my beautiful Em was always so health conscious and i struggle with the fact that there are no answers as to why she succumbed to such a deadly illness…I find that the only people I can talk to are parents who have lost a child as only they can truly understand.
Sending you love xxx

Dear Gill,
My heart goes out to you. I lost my beloved daughter exactly a year ago and did not go back to work for 10 months. For me it was now or never and it was hard but I think had been good for me. It has given me a different focus. I changed so much when I lost Gemma and my GP told me that I will be forever changed and people will just have to get used to the new me and I found this helpful. How can we ever be the same?
I too have a tendency to become withdrawn now and sometimes feel as though I am looking in at life, skating through and not really experiencing it fully. But I think that may be how I cope and a year later I am still here when there were times when I didn’t want to be.
I think we are so changed by losing our precious children that we have to try and forge a new life for ourselves. Be kind to yourself, treasure the good times that happen and try to find a new peace.
Take care xxx

Hello Gill, I am sorry, you’re pain is palpable. I think you went back to work far too early. I know I wasn’t anywhere near functional for a couple of months after my son died. He died in July and I went back to work in Dec. What you are feeling now is delayed response I think. I had panic attacks when I went out so I wouldn’t go anywhere where I might meet someone I knew. These feelings get less over time but I still get them some days. I to feel I am watching life from the sidelines, I feel no part of it. It’s like it’s our world of pain and a normal world for others. I don’t feel emotions for anything either, I think we shut down our feelings to protect ourselves. I talk to others who have lost a child and that is comforting. But I still ask how I am going to live life without him. Keep posting on here, there is always someone who will answer. And message me anytime at all. Love x

I heard it described as “being in the world but not of it” which I identify with so clearly

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