This is poem of sorts that just poured out of me a few days ago. when I feel compulsion to write things down I do, I think its a way of releasing the troubles from inside. Yes they tend to be miserable, but we are, no one is going to crack jokes or belittle grief here, unless they are not feeling it. so apologise for my self indulgence, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t share my feelings in a place that is safe to do so. Its a ramble I’m afraid.
IT’S LIFE BUT NOT AS I WANT IT
Do not judge me; you do not wear my shoes,
Your world is the same; you are not forced to choose.
You think you know what it’s like to be me,
But I’m trapped in a world where I’m not allowed to be free.
My heart still beats, but is torn at by ghosts,
Lonely and alone and robbing me of the things I need most.
I awake each day and put on a mask as the show must go on,
But behind lies a man who’s everything has gone.
Pushing away people, family and friends who are so dear,
Choosing sacrifice and punishment and a future of fear.
I self-destruct in silence, but know not why,
For those I hold dear will lose patience and will all say goodbye.
This is not my fault, natures to blame in the end,
I want to be fixed, enjoy life, a future and in time mend.
People say it’s up to me, to get a grip, move on,
Just keep up with the crowd and just accept the life that’s gone.
It’s not that simple; I can’t just draw a line, forget, and close my life’s book,
For the story is lasting, filled with love and completeness, and a lifetime it took.
Yes I am old and grey and not in touch with this time,
People want different things to the things that are mine.
My old school values are not wanted, they have no use anymore,
Unless you have followers or likes you are just a has-been, a bore.
But inside I am young; I still want take risks, feel the chase, love and have fun,
I see myself as old man, a widower my life is finished, it’s over, it’s done.
So why do punish myself with regrets not of loss but why do I hold back,
Yes I am broken, but please someone help me find my way back.
I’m fed up with this curse, its hold and why I cry to sleep,
When I hear the silent voices of others say, you have the world at your feet.
Alone I can cope with, loneliness is far worse,
One I can accept, the other is a life without purpose, and eternal curse.
I can be hurtful with the things that I say,
They are not meant, I just hurt all day.
I carry life’s scars on my heart and in my head
And would sacrifice it all, to stop this pain dead.
So why can’t I change, and find some hope?
What will it take to pay off these demons so I can just cope?
My loveless life is painful, and is slowly killing me,
I need a new future, not as my past but different so I can be free.
I hold myself back, for I’m afraid of more pain.
How can I be free from my prison and be rid of my chains.
This is a cry for help from deep within my heart,
I need help to emerge from my past and make a new start.
I’m scared of old age and this life all alone,
No family or friends to visit my house, as it’s no longer a home.
Do I accept that what I have is as good as it gets?
Or somehow move forward, and get all this off my chest.
I have become independent and this I will guard,
For the battle of survival is long fought and hard.
Is this all I have, in the evening of my years?
Just merely surviving, with just the company of my fears.
Yes I’m outspoken and with anger on my tongue!
So I tend to stay quiet and retreat to where no harm is done.
In my mind I feel women say “be careful of him, his a widower and only after one thing”
He is after a replacement and has a past, so best to steer clear, and avoid him.
I’m not after much, just not to be controlled by judgement and guilt, just to be free.
For I’m not a bad man, just rely on faith and destiny, and allow what will be, to be.
All I want is a chance to give the little I have and not lose it for good,
Or regret the possible opportunities that in front of me stood.
Or do I just accept and fade away un-noticed with this unwanted loveless life?
And satisfy my judgement and guilt by being betrothed to the ghost of my past life.
Why do I hope and pray that she is happy in the world she now resides,
And at the same time accept that I’m not allowed the same, I have no right to decide.
Surely I have a right to feel a different love and love differently in return?
Yes my heart is broken like many, but it still wants to burn.
Why is it so wrong to say what I think, to share my feelings, that’s all I can do.
Or must I just live in silence, rather than tackle one of griefs taboos.
I ’m tired of this punishment, self-harm, as it no longer quells my pain,
For I need to put myself at risk till I hurt myself, and I know that’s insane.
I have been off of food because of love, but now because of pain.
Why do I let my heart suffer from my minds constant distain?
I am independent and that’s been earned, but hide in a prison, that once was a home.
I feel I’m changing, not better but worse, and self-preservation is turning me to stone.
So how do I climb from this dark deep well of despair?
And be rid of my shackles, see the sun and fill my lungs with hopes fresh air.
I have so few needs and give without expecting anything return.
Just a little comfort that is given freely, and not out of duty or concern.
Yes I feel selfish, disrespectful and disloyal, because it’s not all about me.
But I have to get better somehow, as I’m down on my knees.
Yes I do have a past that was honest, loyal, loving and caring.
So don’t give up, or judge, as the real me is hiding behind a mask I’m wearing.
I am that stray dog that just wants kindness and to be fed.
In need of an outstretched hand to a happier life be lead.
Something to look forward too, feel a new buzz, a life with some fun.
As I climb from this darkness and rest, without sadness in life’s setting sun.
So do I wander this land alone in a life but not as I want it?
I just want to be free to enjoy a little, before I’m scattered upon it.
Mike