And the idea of the plant is a beautiful memorie to have, and thankyou so much for sharing that, hope you are ok x
You are not alone I think of my mum all the time.
Your doing the right thing going to your GP itās a very brave step to admit you need help. Speaking on hear is good too because everyone is grieving in Various ways and supporting.
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My husband died of covid to. The consultants were vile. No compassion whatsoever. Put D.N.R. on his bed. I asked them to remove it as i didnt want that. Was told this isnt holby City or casualty, we could break his ribs resuscitating him. Td he was a dead man walking and we will give him 48hrs and thats it. Stopped his antibiotics and steroids and removed his drip. He had no water. Stopped his vitamin drinks. Didnt have a chance. As soon as 48hrs were up they had put him on morphine. They rang on the thurday and said get your shoes on. He is dying. If you hurry up you might get to say goodbye. I literally got there and had just time to say i love you and he was gone.
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Iām so sorry for the loss of your husband.
And I totally get get what you are saying, who are they to say DNR thatās awful, they did the same with my poor dad they stopped his antibiotics and steriods they said they wasnāt working, they told my mum he was getting better so how the hell was he dieing 12 hrs later.
When mum saw him they had taken away his sedation but didnāt tell my mumā¦they said after they wanted to see how he responded. If my mum had known she would of been talking to him more she had no idea.
i really feel for you, I know what my family is going through and its hell. Its likeā¦well they have covid things are not going well letās just stop everything and let them die.
They canāt make that decision for us.
Iām so so sorry you must be devastated, there are no words I can say that will comfort you
But Iām always here for a chat
X
Mumma77, i just feel like they had spent enough time on him so gave him morphine, and free up a bed. He was in intensive care and was feeling so much better, so they moved him again for the 4th time and gave up on him. He pleaded with me to bring him home. I feel so responsible because he didnt want to go in hospital in the first place, and then i couldnt visit or care for him. Left to the fate of awful consultant. X
My mum feels exactly the same as you, my dad didnāt want to go into hospital but we had no choice he was so confused when I got there he would of died in the night, we thought we were doing the right thing like you, please donāt blame yourself we do these things because we love them and we want to make them better.
The consultant was horrible to my mum on the phone and myself and my brother were at mums when the hospital called so we heard everything, sorry I canāt stop the tears flowing as I type this.
My mum is punishing her self and is so angry and its killimg me hearing her do it to herselfā¦
Please donāt ever blame yourself
X
I was taken into hospital 5 days after dad died and I nearly lost my life to covid, I feel so guilty I made it and he didnāt
X
The first day he was in there, a foreign lady consultant rang and said he will have to fight ten times harder with diabetes, his age is against him and he is over weight. He didnāt stand a chance. He had a bit of a tummy but ate a healthy diet. He still had a tummy after having no food for 18 days, so wasnāt to do with diet but medication. I had civic to while he was in there. If I had kept him with me, Iām sure I could of looked after him better and he would of survived. Itās all the what ifs. X
I know its so hard, my mum says the same as you, she wishes she had kept him home and looked after him.
When the people we love so much get unwell we do anything to keep them alive and I told my mum if we hadnāt of called and ambulance when we did he would of died at home his lungs were full and we had no ideaā¦
We will always have what ifs but its not your fault, its not anyones fault apart from covid.
Its taken to many people to soon and I hate covid for that.
It breaks my heart reading the pain people have suffered because of it.
Xx
Evening all, all of you have given me so much support just being able to read your comments of experiences. I work in adult social care and always try to go the extra mile for the person and their relatives, kindness and compassion costs nothing but your time. Somebody gave me a quote ā that to give your time is a gift as itās time you wonāt get backā. I hope my mum had the strength of the medical teams looking after her, as well as kindness. I can only go by the telephone calls I had from the doctors, they were kind and offered reassurance to all my questions. I can relate to being a medic, as in my role I have always been an advocate and involved with my dad and mums health etc sometimes people might think Iām over the top but I believe in being honest, always ask questions obviously in a polite way. My mum was very poorly with her mental health and had to be sectioned taken by ambulance to the specialist mental health hospital, I felt comfort given she has been before that she will be given the help to make her well and return home. But after a week she had to be taken urgently to the medical hospital for IV fluids and tests, it was while in their care she contracted the Covid and within a week went down hill very rapidly and then phenomia-death. I question what if all the time or I should of done more but it only makes you worry even more and question your actions. My. Mum was so so precious to me and I miss her all the time but I just have to try and think of the positives and wonderful memories we had. Take care everyone and thank you for your support most appreciated x
It really saddens me to hear that so many of us have faced the same situation as well as (as strange as this sounds) comfort that Iām not alone im my grief. Knowinh that Iām Not alone in how I feel about the end of life care my Dad and our loved ones have reviewed during their last days.
I was the one to make the call to put dad into hospital. He also didnāt want to go. He knew once he went in thereā¦ that would be it. I feel so much guilt but I also know he would have died that night if we didnāt send him in. My brother was against sending him in tooā¦ so I had family disputes to deal with too. I sent him in with a hope that he will survive. I remember saying to him before he got into the ambulanceā¦ dad donāt worry they will look after youā¦ your in safe hands. He turned and saidā¦ you sure. The thought that he was alone and scared still haunts me.
The fact that they then said DNR and Dad did not have mental capacity to make a decision so one was made for me makes me so angry. I sat with him for 26hrsā¦ infront of me he cancelled his future doctors appointments and hospital check ups and wrote an email of thanks to his GP surgery for his care throughout his lifeā¦ does that sound like he didnāt have capacity?
He suffered kidney damage and took care of his own meds to elimate renal affecting drugs and by day 4 his kidneys improved. Does that constitute impaired mental capacity?
Consultants and junior doctors had no compassion or respect in my opinion. Itās all become too complacent and use of risk assessment tools to decide if someone is worth saving or not. They didnāt give him enough time to recover.
Itās a rabbit role that we get ourselves into, trying to think what if and doesnāt help us grieve but Iām finding it so difficult to move past this.
I also had to provide high protein high calorie drinks for Dad as he couldnāt feed whilst having the cpap mask on. They wouldnāt provide that as they said food is not a priority for him!? He was getting tired and lack of energy due to breathing via the mask BUT he wanted to eat to keep fighting. They said when a person is dying, they naturally push food away. Dad didnāt push his food awayā¦ he was eating as fast as he could to survive. It was so difficult to watch and I felt so so helpless. He also pleaded with me to take him homeā¦ but by then it was too late.
Just miss him so very much.
I know in heart that I did the best for him. We all did whatever we could in our powerā¦ we did it out of love. Im saying this to console myself to some extent too. Thank you to you all for the support. Xxx
Dear Shilpa,
Reading your account of what you experienced in hospital with your father and the accounts of so many others on this site who have lost loved ones to this terrible virus, has sent shivers down my spine. My heart goes out to all of you whose hearts have been broken by loss and then stamped on by a seemingly uncaring system.
Whilst covid has placed unprecedented demands on our health system, many of the attitudes families are now being faced with are deep rooted and not a consequence of increased pressure on resources.
Your reference to the lack of compassion and respect of consultants and junior doctors and their complacency is one of the greatest hurdles patients and families have to face when they are at their lowest ebb. It is precisely because we are so vulnerable that such attitudes continue to prevail because we run out of energy and prioritise the care of our loved ones over addressing the uphill task of questioning the judgement of medical professionals. This predates covid but has sadly been revealed as a result.
My husband died very very suddenly in November 2019. He collapsed mid conversation while out for the evening with our younger son. They were in a city 30 miles from home so the A&E department where my husband was pronounced dead knew nothing about him at all. However by the time I arrived at the hospital, a junior doctor had been deputed to deliver the worst possible news anyone can ever hear. My husband of thirty five years had not survived his collapse. He sat on the edge of a desk and delivered the news as if heād been quickly briefed by the emergency team and had a script to follow. Our son who had been with my husband was never asked what had happened and not one of the medics who attended my husband had any idea of his medical history. However I was told that even though as a sudden death it would have to be referred to the coroner, there would be no recommendation for a post mortem as they were certain that my husband had suffered a heart attack. We challenged this but were not listened to. A decision had been made and that was it.
Given that I did know my husbands medical history and that my son witnessed my husbands collapse the diagnosis did not ring true. The coroner issued the death certificate against our wishes but after much pleading with the hospitals bereavement consultant we managed to secure a hospital post mortem. This indeed revealed that there was no sign of a heart attack but revealed a congenital valve malformation which had silently been enlarging his heart and meant that even immediate CPR and defibrillation were futile. We were advised that although the death certificate was now inaccurate as to cause of death that we shouldnāt be too ā nit pickyā and could get this corrected in due course. My husband had become another cardiac statistic but it was inaccurate so was completely invalid. No apology or acknowledgment of our concerns and certainly no recognition of how this has implications for heart health research and the need for different screening programmes to perhaps be implemented. I now realise they cannot find something they are not looking for. My husband had been taking medication for moderate hypertension for several years but ironically because the root cause of this was never found during his routine Gp consultations , the increased exercise he was undertaking to try and lower his blood pressure was in fact exacerbating damage to his heart. To this day I believe no lessons will have been learned at any level and it is put down to one of those things.
Another consequence of a casual diagnosis of cause of death is the potential for future generations. This condition can be hereditary and the implications for our two sons were worrying as lifestyle choices alone were not guaranteed to be protective. Subsequent screening has thankfully confirmed neither of our sons has inherited the malformation. Unbelievably this screening also had to be fought for and indeed paid for.
Everything about that appalling evening was made so much worse by the total lack of compassion on every level. The condition of my husband when we were shown him will haunt my sons and me until the end of our days and the handling of his possessions was clumsy and hurtful. It was as if fate had conspired to do its absolute worst but actually it was down to several individuals who seemed incapable of empathy and a total inability to listen. After many months of letters we received an apology and acceptance that what happened that evening āfell short of their usual high standard of careā.
The implications of such attitudes is important I believe for each and every one of us who at some point in our lives rely on care from health professionals for ourselves or a family member.
The fact we have so few doctors per capita in this country speaks volumes about our priorities. I believe the selection process for undertaking medical training to be deeply flawed in that it relies on intellectual rather than people skills. I have never understood why an A* in physics is more important than communication skills and yet this is an integral part of medicine. As indeed is the ability to listen and learn. How many of us on this forum have been made to feel utterly irrelevant and felt we have let our loved ones down in the face of unnecessary arrogance. Not only at hospital but also at GP level.
Although it may seem as though I am, I am not condemning all doctors but simply those who steadfastly refuse to accept they may sometimes be wrong. No one knows everything and the very best doctors know that.
I am truly appalled by so many instances of callous indifference that this forum is bringing to the fore. I know only too well how exhausting and demoralising it is when faced with the might of a whole institution.
However, I dearly hope that when this nightmare virus is genuinely under control, the inevitable inquiry which will follow will be tireless in rooting out some of the prevailing attitudes which have caused so much despair. The medical staff who have tried their utmost and gone above and beyond to help and save people should get all the recognition and reward they deserve but conversely those who have failed to step up should perhaps reassess whether a career in medicine is for them. Wishful thinking I know but I do question how any doctor who has been able to issue blanket DNR orders without consultation has any place in a modern health service.
I apologise in advance for this lengthy post and I know it wonāt sit well with everyone. Yesterday a neighbour of mine stated Iām not as nice as I used to be and that I should let go being angry about what happened to my husband. She and her husband are exactly the same age as me and what my husband would have been. She has no idea of what I saw and encountered and it reinforced my opinion that grief is the loneliest of all lifeās experiences. It actually gets lonelier by the day.
I wish none of us needed this site but it does provide a level of understanding that is so lacking in so many places.
Once again I am sorry for what you have suffered and hope that one day lessons will be learned for the future. Take care. X
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Thank you so much for posting this. I know it canāt have been easy to revisit all that you went through that night but honestly it has helped me so much. My deepest condolences for your immense loss.
I will reply in detail but just wanted you to know for now that I appreciate your post. Sending you love and hugs xx
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Good evening I donāt have much brain power left today and I am totally mentally and physically exhausted. Even though I lost my mum, on top I am working, some to give distraction of some sort, some because I feel guilty that we are over stretched, a very small team and trying to support the wider community, as well as the main wage earner, although I am so grateful I have a job!
But Above all this, I just wanted to say thank you to you all for taking the time to tell us of your experiences, although heart breaking to us all! Comfort in we are not alone and that we understand the impact grieve has, as well itās ok to be angry itās all part of the grieving process and quite frankly I believe those who say need to move on donāt understand and says something about them in that they feel uncomfortable with the conversation, therefore we do not need to be hard on ourself but as they are always saying ābe kindā you need to be kind to ourselves in all of this. Take care all x
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I lost my partner to sepsis while on a ventilator fighting covid infection.
A nurse our plasma through his drip on fast flow instead of drip mode and when he realised she had moved the call button he felt like he was drowning.
He seemed to deteriorate after this and 5 days later after I watched him struggle unable to help he was taken to ICU.
You spend the day waiting for a phone call just one to tell you heās very ill or static, I was told he had 24 hour to live I went in spent an hour with him sat up with our kids waiting he didnāt leave us, he went another week and they had actually started to remove support to wake him up, when I got the call heās deteriorated on arrival to hospital was asked if they could switch off machines I refused where there is hope I said I canāt an hour later I was told the decision had been taken out of my hands and he left me 2 hours later in an horrific way. To hold my man the man I loved was due to marry in June I absolutely adore him and lose him in this way is traumatic. I was shaking sobbing no one was free to talk to me I left by a fire exit.
I am receiving counselling and on medication I am broken and can not see how I can possibly mend.
I get up for our adult children and grandchildren no other reason if it wasnāt for them I wouldnāt be here.
This is a cruel virus and I am aware the NHS was under pressure but I do have an investigation going on but I donāt hold out anything will come of it and he canāt come back can he.
Virtual hugs 
Iām so sorry for your loss, I wish I had the words to make you feel better.
I miss my dad everyday, I cry everyday ,I just canāt believe its happened sometimes, how do we mendā¦my mum will never be the same she is so angry with everyone and blames the hospital for dads death.
We to will have an investigation and there were lots of things that happened to dad in ICU.
My hearts goes out to every single person that is going through the pain that we are going through.
And im so sorry you were treated in this way, it seems that the compassion of staff has gone under the pressure they are under.
But we carry these memories with us for the rest of our lives, and have to some how learn to live with them
Take care, try and remember all the happy times you had with him. He will always be with you.
Xxx
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Hi Sorry for your experiences the whole situation over the year and the way our love ones have passed away, is so hard to bear, as well as having to cope with grief . We are all grieving for so many different points in this whole mess which is why I believe we are all not coping so well. Your mind races what if ? But it wonāt bring our loved ones back no matter how much we need and want them. Compassion is vital in any caring role which ever disaplines you work as. We alll know the various professionals are experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety but if we stop and think for one second and breath would we want to be treated like this? Iāve been fortunate to care for so many vulnerable people and if I can give them my time and caring it makes a whole different to that person who is scared. Iām glad I have this path of sharing experiences as it helps Iām not on my own take care all xx
Iāve missed hugs so much!
Sending one back to you too. Xx
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Oh no, I understand, I really do.
Iāve jus turned to this site for help and support tonight but I absolutely understand.
What j also understand is that your father would want you to live, carry on, keep on doing whatever you do.
Take care.
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