Its been nearly eleven weeks since dad passed away from covid and the shock of his death I feel has sunk in its now the reality of not seeing him again thats kicked in.
Cant cope with this loss
Its getting worse, the pain of missing him, looking at his pictures…I just can’t cope with his loss…
The flash backs are really bad. I don’t think I will ever feel happy again
Not sure what to do
X
Hi Mumma, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, this pandemic has hit so many people and trying to navigate through that as well as grieving for your Dad is so hard, I do hope you have family around you that can give you some support, 11 weeks is no time at all, I promise in time it will get easier, in the meantime just take a day at a time, be kind to yourself, try and remember the good times you had together, hopefully this site will be of help and comfort to you, sending love Jude xx
Hope this little poem is of some comfort. Nothing can take away the pain and heartache we are all going through.
His Journey’s Just Begun
Don’t think of him as gone away his journey’s just begun
Life holds so many facets this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing that we could know today
How nothing but our sadness can really pass away.
And think of him as living in the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost and he was loved so much.
x
Thankyou for your kind words and poem it was beautiful x
Thankyou so much for being kind, I just feel so lost, after dad died i was taken into hospital with covid Pneumonia and nearly died myself after 9 days I came home feeling guilt that I lived and he died
I just can’t cope
Miss him so much all I do is cry
X
Hi you are not alone. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago to Covid and can’t believe she has gone, not sleeping very well, crying all the time. Weren’t able to see her at the end or give her reassurance of I’m here. Xx
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, I really hate covid.
Like yourself I hate the thought of him being in hospital by himself, was he scared…he kept asking my mum where she was on a video call.
A bloody video call its all we had, it must be the same for you I just wanted to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him.
You didn’t get to see your mum either and it hurts doesn’t it, I know what you are going through
Its just awful
X
I feel your pain. Lost my dad to covid as well. Its feel unreal sometimes. Feel a little cheated as it was so unessasary and preventable to some extent. He would have still been here if it wasn’t for covid.
It’s even harder to see people comment about how covid has ruined one Yr of their life because of not being able to solicise or get together… many have lost their lives… life is never going to be the same for those left behind.
I hate that he’s part of that statistic… counting the number of deaths each day… its haunting.
I also have Flash backs… every night as the day darkens… im back there beside my dads hospital bed… gripping his hand… feeling utterly helpless…holding him while he slips away…
Sorry if I’ve upset anyone… just feels so raw. And hurts a lot. He was one week away from getting the vaccine.
Virtual hugs and love to all of you suffering a loss through covid xx
You do not need to apologise, I am in tears reading your story…its it so raw…so bloody unfair…and like you said the people moaning about not going out they haven’t got a clue
I miss my dad so much I cry everyday, I will never feel the same about anything ever again
I just wish I could of kissed him goodbye and held his hand but I wasn’t allowed in only my mum could go
Like your dad, my dad was 5 weeks away from his first vaccine
Its not fair
X
Hi Mumma,
Thank you for your reply and kind words.
I do understand that I’m ‘lucky’ to have gotten the chance to sit with him.
I’m a medic and so was very, probably over, involved in his care during his hospitalisation. Very involved in his care throughout my life I guess.
We got the call early Thursday morning that my dad was not going to make it… the doctor allowed me, my Mum and brother in to see him but only for 2 hrs until her shift was over as a gesture of good will to us, we couldn’t stay beyond that otherwise her job was on the line. This was how she put it to me.
2 hrs went like 2 mins. There was no way I could leave my Dad to die alone. He was scared and lonely in there… he was my dad so would never let me see that fear… told me go home to your kids… thats your priority now… and said this is the circle of life.
I said no… im staying dad…he didn’t argue. I told the doctor… im already exposed. In that moment, I actually didn’t care if anything happened to me. I know that sounds selfish but that’s how it was… uncensored version which sometimes you can’t say out aloud.
The doctor said, only I could stay. I would have to wear full ppe… not eat or drink anything and not to leave the room at all and it could hrs or days. I agreed in a flash.
Sat by my Dad all day and all night… 26hrs. Helping him, nursing him… talking via text as he couldn’t talk over the ventilator. At various points, the nurses and doctors taking me aside telling me to speak to my Dad about taking his ventilation mask off… to speed things up… told me I’m prolonging his suffering. I did ask dad if he was in pain, if he wanted to take off the mask… no he said… im fine… that was his wish and he was fully capacitated. I was not going to force him to do anything he didn’t want to. They said it would be a more dignified death… there was nothing dignified about it at all. It felt like we were being rushed… covid has made them inhumane almost. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all that they are doing in the hospitals but it feels a little too easy to say ok… its covid… not much we can do… sign the death cert as covid… job done.
Eventually he tired and his body gave up and his body decided when it was time… im still haunted by all this… felt so helpless. Not knowing what to do for the right… he agreed to remove the mask… then it was just me and him in that room… he slipped away with me lying next to him on the bed. I didn’t scream then… but many times I let out a soundless silent scream in the bathroom when I have 5 mins alone or when I’m driving to work in the car.
I then had to come home and tell my mum, my brother and my children that their grandad is not coming home. My son was my dad’s little side kick… he dotted on my kids and esp my son… they were always together.
I suffered for ages with hair fall due to blisters around my head from the rubber on the ppe face mask. But it was all ok… as I got to be there with him.
I’m sorry for those of you all who didn’t get that opportunity. I really feel for you… my heart goes out to you.
My dad taught me everything in life… just not how to live without him.
I never would have thought about finding a group like this… I feared for so long for my dad. Ever since he was diagnosed with heart failure. I guess I suffered anticipated grief for the last 8 yrs. Now I feel so empty. That Dad shaped hole in my heart and life is not going to get filled… ever.
We are left with memories and photos/videos and I’m fiercely holding onto these because im scared and feel like… do memories fade with time?
Going back into a routine feels so hard when a huge part of that routine is missing… and the grief comes in waves. It hits you when you least expect it…
It’s a long road… but day by day we will get there. Xx
I agree with you about the hospital they were amazing but they didn’t want dad to go onto a ventilator and in an induced coma but he would of died, they were really rude to my mum on the phone.and was trying to get us to let him go saying “this is not about you” and my mum had said my dad wanted to live and to do everything they could for him…3 days before dad died he told me on the phone that someone in the hospital sat him in a chair and he fell and banged his head…3 days later my dad is dieing with a massive bleed on the brain that only could of come from a fall
All of this was denied. Somebody after two weeks after his death admitted putting him in a chair and now we have the horrible job of trying to get to the bottom of what really happened to dad
I’m so angry and upset about everything, and you must never feel bad about the decisions you made, no one knows your dad better than you and we do what we do out of love and respect for them.
I think when we lose someone as humans we will always think we could of done more or done something different.
I to am holding on to the pics of dad I just miss hearing his voice so much
Please take care of yourself
Message me anytime you need to vent
Xx
Gosh not only are you having to deal with his loss through covid but also the thought of him being possibly neglected and undercovering what happened to him. I hope you get some answers and some justice.
Remember to feel whatever you do… your anger and feelings are valid.
They so wanted to live… even to his last breath, my Dad was fighting to live. It is heartbreaking and so difficult to heal from this. I lost my mother in law 2 months after… she died after a long battle with cancer. Which was completely different… a different feeling. Covid took dads life away suddenly and quickly. One week we’re sat watching a movie and the next he’s gone. It feels surreal. And on top of this not knowing how they are being treated in hospital is daunting… almost like once they’ve assessed and concluded that there is no come back and set the ceiling of care, they loose the human touch of care and compassion.
Any nurse, doctor or medical professional is expected to act with the upmost duty of care to the patient regardless of the outcome. It is the first code of principle we are taught during the first lesson at university.
If there is anything at all that I can help with… pls get in touch.
Thanks for offering your support too. I’m very grateful.
Take care and good luck xx
Shilpa
Thankyou so much for taking the time to read this and answer me, it feels at times like I hasnt really happened.
Like you said one minute I’m in his house talking to him the next he is being rushed off in an ambulance. He only tested postive on the 29th of dec on the 5th of Jan he had passed.
Its like you said he had covid…something happened in that hospital and they knew there was no coming back for him and they wanted his machine. When mum got there they had heavily sedated him so he passed very quickly…he had a massive mark on his head and all up his arm.
I just can’t get my head around it all im pushing everyone away. I don’t mean to but since dad has died I don’t really care what happens to me now.
That sounds awful as I have 5 kids and an amazing partner, I’m just so traumatised by all this my heart is broken and will always be broken
I’m so sorry to her you had another loss to, I really feel you
Please take care x
I totally understand where you coming from. Part of it is because it’s so unexplained and so expected of family to just be accepting of the situation and almost just hold our hands up and say ‘Ah well it’s covid… millions are dying and so did our Dads… move on and get on with it… there is nothing more they could do’. Yes, millions are dying but this person was our one in a million.
One consultant said to me… after I challenged him about dads care… there is no treatment and that’s the bottom line. When in other countries I have seen worse case scenarios with no stops on medication available. We are in a pandemic, no time to wait 20yrs of medication trials for drugs to be approved… do what you can to save lives NOW! I’m not surprised we have one of the highest deaths rates through covid.
Please look after yourself. My Dad said to me… remember me in good times, don’t cry and look after your kids. You have been a dutiful daughter now continue to be a dutiful wife and mother. We have felt loss… we would not want our loves ones to feel the same ever.
I’m here if you need a chat anytime at all xxx
Have you spoken to someone about counselling or to discuss and go through his medical notes during his hospital stay?
I can’t get counselling until I have been bereaved 6 months plus, they did not release my dads body for two weeks after his death my mum had loads of calls from the coranor and even they were concerned around my dads death
Mum just isn’t strong enough yet, I know the hospital didn’t set out to kill my dad and they were trying to help but they are questions that need answering
X
Yes I understand… its a lot to process.
And I agree, they didn’t set out to kill but its all about respect and humanity esp when its end of life care.
I hope you do get your questions answered.
I had support from rainbows who offered bereavement counselling which was helpful and I was able to go through dads medical notes day by day.
You are right, thankyou so much for your support and help x
Hi mumma77 thank you for your kind message, I find it a little easier hearing from others grieving and that I’m not alone. I’ve been wondering how I cane move forward, my plant I bought in memory of my mum has had its first flower bloom which made me feel that mum was still here with me. It takes time they say and all what we are experiencing is normal but it’s so hard. Xx
You are right its so hard, everyday this week I have been awful feel like my mood is just getting lower all the time, going to call the doctors in the morning I have just lost interest in everything and all I do is want my dad back.
I’m a grown women and I don’t want that to sound silly but he is the one person who never let me down in my life and I just can’t get over his death.
It just breaks my heart every day that he has gone all I do is cry
X