I lost my husband in July aged 62. I’m 57 and had known him since I was 16. He was my best friend & soul mate. He’d had dementia for the last few years of his life as well as his disability and other health issues. Things had been difficult as his personality changed & he could be verbally abusive. In the initial weeks after his death there was so much to do, friends with me nearly all the time that I don’t think I grieved properly.
We’d decided not to have funerals but I had a celebration of his life at our home which was attended by our amazing friends. Last Friday his ashes were brought back to me & I think it’s the finality of it all that has hit hard. I’m on my own a lot now as daily visits & phone calls from friends are getting less & less. They have their own lives & issues to deal with. I just don’t know how to cope with this now. I want company but I want to be alone. I want to talk about him but it hurts too much. I don’t want to stay in but I don’t want to go out. Does this make sense or sound familiar to anyone else.
Hi Anita, You’re not alone. We all feel this. I’m having a bad day today. Yesterday was better. I went in the garden and pretended that I was doing a normal everyday bit of work and my darling husband was watching football. Today nothing. Do not want to go out. We have to try and get through the bad days. Just chat to one of us. It helps. Sending hugs because we all need them. 
Hi I understand where you are coming from my
husband died 22 months ago…some days i think what am i going to …this life is horrid alone its like pretending you are ok but your heart is breaking.
My husband died from Sporadic cjd ,we had just had our 50th wedding Anniversary.
lots of love to everyone struggling …try to smile and think how lucky to find our soul mateX
Dear Anita5
Sending you a hug
What you say makes total sense and will resonate with everyone here.
I feel like its someone else’s life I’m living now as it bears no resemblance to life with my loving husband of 38 years.
I totally understand your bewilderment about everything, this is new and frightening territory for us, like living in a minefield
I try to go for a walk everyday as I hate being in a quiet empty house… Then I hate the coming back… No cuddle and kiss to greet me… I sit in the garden or car for ages putting of going inside.
As you say it’s the same with seeing people or not… Nice to have a chat but then the feeling of being alone rushes through you when they’ve gone.
It’s 18 months since my darling husband was just so suddenly gone and in some ways it feels just like yesterday and yet feels a long time since I’ve felt his reassuring and loving arms around me.
I wish I had the answer for us, as I’ve said before… If wishing was an Olympic sport… I’d get gold.
I find it helps to just write what I feel on this forum knowing that people here truly understand.
It’s a release instead of the constant pretending that your OK for the sake of others
So use this forum Anita, voice your thoughts and fears, we are all on the same path, just in different places
Take care and a big hug
Christine xx
Sending hugs to you, too.
I still talk to mine as well, Kath. I was moaning at him the other day then walked out the back door and found a white feather. Don’t know if you believe in the ‘white feather, your loved one is with you’ but it gave me great comfort.
Christine, it is so hard coming into an empty home. Mine isn’t quite empty, we got a dog last year so at least I have to go out with her, even if some days I don’t want to. but coming home to a dog isn’t quite the same as a husband. And I miss talking to him, the cuddles, the company. Weekends are the hardest at the moment.
sending hugs to you, too.
Anita xx
Anita you are not alone. Many of us on here feel exactly the same way but sadly there’s no easy way to get through each day. My husband passed away December 2020. His personality had started to change 2 yrs prior to this and we had some awful times. He was also Bipolar usually under control but he started to abuse alcohol & I fealt rejected. He wasn’t my loving husband @ psychiatrists answer was for him to go for a longer walk!!!
He was eventually diagnosed with Motor Neurone Duseasr which started off with MND & Bipolar Dementia. Prior to his diagnosis I actually arranged for him to move into a flat ad I couldn’t cope with him. He only really lived alone for 2 weeks and was in & out of hospital for months until his diagnosis. I lived with terrible guilt for a long time as we had always had a very strong loving relationship up until this time. I don’t think I’ll ever really forgive myself for thinking he was rejecting me but it happened. I never gave up on him @ visited him & tried to get him into a nursing home. He didn’t want to die alone but sadly due to covid rules in his particular hospital he did. That was really hard to bear. 10 months on and O now think of our many happy & loving times together but this btu gs a new pain in knowing this emptiness is forever. I’ve just had major surgery 6 weeks ago so have been stuck at home relying on friends for everything. ( daughter works & had toddler & lived 1 hour away). I also have a rescue fog & need to start walking her again. I now feel another level of grief of total emptiness & lack of close connection with anyone apart from my dog. It’s a great comfort to come on here and even just read posts. I find it really helps me a lot although I’m still rubbish at posting ad I often forget how to do it!
Sending you hugs. Take life slowly. We’ll all find a way to cope somehow but crying is OK too xx