You have been in my thoughts since I read your message. I thought I had had a cruel pack of cards dealt me as I have had 4 close bereavements in the last 17 years but I think yours is even worse! To lose 2 husbands in such a short space of time is just so cruel and to have Dave taken from you in that callous way really makes me feel such sadness and compassion for you. As you said, “why”. I ask myself that question too and I am afraid I am getting more and more bitter, angry and resentful as the days pass. Some people seem to go through life with so much happiness with all their family and spouses around them and no knocks, yet why have we got to suffer as we have and lose all we hold dear. It beggars belief, it really does! I have changed as a person and have become bad tempered and self centred. I am on a short fuse and I soon snap is someone says the wrong thing or makes an insensitive comment.
Losing my Dave has broken and crucified me. I feel broken, lost and if someone told me I was going to die next week, I would jump for joy. Life seems so pointless and meaningless and too damn hard now. It is too much of a struggle and I am in so much pain and desperation as I know you are.
I hope you got on alright at the doctors and have got some help and support. I do eat ok now (but didn’t in the beginning and lost a lot of weight), but can’t sleep well and can’t be bothered. I am the opposite to you and just want to slump in my chair and watch television so I can sit still and I prefer doing that to doing anything. However, I must admit in the beginning I was in more of a frenzy and like a demented person and when I was out, I wanted to be IN and when I was in, I wanted to be OUT. I was so restless. I spent a restless, wakeful night last night and just lay there feeling lonely and scared. I kept thinking “I can’t stand this life, anymore”.
As you said, we don’t deserve this torture. You sound a nice, caring, loving person as I used to be and Dave was lovely too. He was so kind, gentle, generous, loving, would help anyone, romantic, affectionate and yet he suffered. He was my world and we told each other we were each others rocks and loved the bones of each other. Before he went into Intensive Care, he laid in bed in the hospital and looked like a 90 year old instead of 63. I felt my heart was breaking for what the sepsis had done to him. He lost his dignity as he had raging diarrhoea and was so embarrassed. The same goes for your Dave. How he must have suffered too and you had to stand by and watch. How strange is that they were both called Dave?
I am attending a bereavement support group once a fortnight which I find helpful and beneficial. I also come on this site all the time. It has been a life line for me. I don’t know what I would have done without it. I pour out my feelings on here. No one judges and everyone is caring and supportive and more importantly, understands.
Anyway, all for now. Hope to hear from you again soon. Take care, look after yourself and my thoughts are with you.
Best wishes from Karen