It's torture, the pain is too much

Coping with bereavement
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I am very new to this site. My beautiful, wonderful husband passed on 25th Aug 2017. He had been fit and well and was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 30th June 2017 and told that he had 8 weeks to live. He passed exactly 8 weeks to the day, they got the diagnosis spot on, unfortunately for us.

We married on 23rd Aug 2017, we brought the wedding forward and I was only his wife for 2 days. We didn’t have time to do anything, it all happened so fast. He didn’t even manage to see any wedding photos or read the cards and good wishes, he was just so ill.

I am devastated, my best friend, love of my life has been taken, I don’t know what to do. The pain is too much and it feels like torture. I think I am going mad.

Life is so not fair, I am lost. Jackie X

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Hi Jackie im very sorry for your loss .Your nightmare is still very young have you been to see your gp re help (im on medication it helped and does help me )This site is full of people that are at different stages in there nightmare .Come back here to offload as often as you want .No question or statement is silly on here Colin (im 58 my darling Denise passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday )

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Hi Jackie

I am Karen and I have just read your posting. I am so VERY SORRY to hear of the loss of your dear husband and soul mate. My thoughts go out to you. I must have been torture for you the last 8 weeks of his life and knowing he was so ill and was going to leave you. Your wedding must have been bittersweet but at least you did it and were married, albeit you were only his wife for 2 days. Yours is such a tragic story and it has touched me. My heart goes out to you.

Yes, pain of grief and bereavement IS torture and is so very painful and hard to endure. You are in the early stages of it so it is so raw and new for you. I wish I could tell you it gets easier after 3 months but I am afraid I can’t say that. I lost my partner and soul mate on 13th July. Dave had sepsis and went downhill very quickly once it was diagnosed. I am distraught and in terrible pain without him and struggling to cope. Life has no meaning anymore, neither does a future which now feels bleak and lonely without the love of my life. He was my rock.

Colin is right when he says this is a good site and is always open for you. It has been invaluable to me and has got me through dark and lonely days. I come on here to vent out my feelings when I feel alone and at my lowest and we are all understanding, supportive, caring and non judgmental because we are all in the same boat and grieving for our loved ones. There are some lovely people on here as you will find out when you do more postings and get more replies. We all know what a horrible, painful, despairing path we are on. We are all in a club (bereavement) which we don’t want to be in but unfortunately cannot leave. I have picked up tips and advice and help from others and I post replies to others too. When I feel isolated, I come on this site and it has been helpful and beneficial. It has been a life line to me.

I haven’t been to see my GP to get medication as am trying to do it alone but as time is progressing I sometimes think i might need to go down that route. Only you can know what is right for you. All grief and bereavement is unique and we all cope in different ways. You just have to get through it the best way you can but be kind and gentle to yourself and take your time. Allow yourself to grieve and don’t feel rushed or pressurised. I have been told at my bereavement support group that bereavement is like a WOUND and it has to take time to heal. It cannot be rushed as if you try and rush, it will not help the healing process.

Keep posting and take care.
Best wishes from Karen

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Hi Colin

This is Karen. Am SO SORRY about your loss. Denise was so young to pass. It is so devastating to lose our loved ones isn’t it? I have read a lot of your postings and you are right, it is so good we have this site and can offload when we feel like it. You are a bit further along than me as my darlin Dave, my partner and soulmate and love of my love was taken on 13th July. He was 63 and I am 57. I hate every second of my life now and wish I was older so I would be nearer my own time to depart this lonely and dark world. I am broken and don’t want a future without him. Life sure is so very cruel.
Take care. Best wishes
Karen

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Hi Karen, thank you so much for your message, I have had a foul day but knowing I am not alone is giving me comfort.

I am so sorry for your loss, how come tragedy always happens to nice, kind, genuine people, we don’t deserve this torture.

My husband was Dave too, he was adorable and had such courage throughout his short illness, he was heroic and had such dignity.

I am going to the docs tomorrow, can’t sleep, eat, sit still, can’t be bothered. I too like you feel my life is over. I can’t view the world without my Dave in it. He was only 57 and it makes no sense.

My first husband died at 54 and my heart was broken. I never thought I would be happy again but I met and fell in love with Dave, then he died too. Why? I keep asking that question. A big part of me has died too and I really don’t want to be here either.

I rang Samaritans last week, I just feel lost. I am very grateful for your reply. Take care xx

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Oh Colin, I am sorry to hear of your very sad loss. It’s just so unfair, I hope time is healing for you.

This is the second time I have been widowed and can’t believe what’s happened. I am so very sad and feel lost.

Thank you for your message, take care x

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Hi Jackie,

I am also new to this site. My soul mate passed away on 23rd September after a long battle that should have been winnable but sadly we lost. She was only 60 and we should have had so many good years ahead, it was unexpected and I had recently started planning our 25th anniversary to St Lucia where we were married on the beach. I find this site a solace even if only a place to document how I feel or even how a day has gone. Everyone here has similar story so you will get nothing but support. In some ways I find this easier than talking to close friends, sometimes I feel I am imposing even though I am not.

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Thank you Trevor, I feel very privileged, people who are heartbroken and grieving take the time to message me.

I am so sorry for your loss, it has been so recent for you, Dave passed 7 weeks ago and it’s agony; torture even.

Like you, we thought we had many years, a wonderful future together. I’m still numb, can’t believe what’s happened and finding it hard to accept.

Thank you letting me know I am not alone. Regards, Jackie

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Hi Jackie

You have been in my thoughts since I read your message. I thought I had had a cruel pack of cards dealt me as I have had 4 close bereavements in the last 17 years but I think yours is even worse! To lose 2 husbands in such a short space of time is just so cruel and to have Dave taken from you in that callous way really makes me feel such sadness and compassion for you. As you said, “why”. I ask myself that question too and I am afraid I am getting more and more bitter, angry and resentful as the days pass. Some people seem to go through life with so much happiness with all their family and spouses around them and no knocks, yet why have we got to suffer as we have and lose all we hold dear. It beggars belief, it really does! I have changed as a person and have become bad tempered and self centred. I am on a short fuse and I soon snap is someone says the wrong thing or makes an insensitive comment.

Losing my Dave has broken and crucified me. I feel broken, lost and if someone told me I was going to die next week, I would jump for joy. Life seems so pointless and meaningless and too damn hard now. It is too much of a struggle and I am in so much pain and desperation as I know you are.

I hope you got on alright at the doctors and have got some help and support. I do eat ok now (but didn’t in the beginning and lost a lot of weight), but can’t sleep well and can’t be bothered. I am the opposite to you and just want to slump in my chair and watch television so I can sit still and I prefer doing that to doing anything. However, I must admit in the beginning I was in more of a frenzy and like a demented person and when I was out, I wanted to be IN and when I was in, I wanted to be OUT. I was so restless. I spent a restless, wakeful night last night and just lay there feeling lonely and scared. I kept thinking “I can’t stand this life, anymore”.

As you said, we don’t deserve this torture. You sound a nice, caring, loving person as I used to be and Dave was lovely too. He was so kind, gentle, generous, loving, would help anyone, romantic, affectionate and yet he suffered. He was my world and we told each other we were each others rocks and loved the bones of each other. Before he went into Intensive Care, he laid in bed in the hospital and looked like a 90 year old instead of 63. I felt my heart was breaking for what the sepsis had done to him. He lost his dignity as he had raging diarrhoea and was so embarrassed. The same goes for your Dave. How he must have suffered too and you had to stand by and watch. How strange is that they were both called Dave?

I am attending a bereavement support group once a fortnight which I find helpful and beneficial. I also come on this site all the time. It has been a life line for me. I don’t know what I would have done without it. I pour out my feelings on here. No one judges and everyone is caring and supportive and more importantly, understands.

Anyway, all for now. Hope to hear from you again soon. Take care, look after yourself and my thoughts are with you.

Best wishes from Karen

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Karen, so much of what you have written applies to me. I would be so happy if I knew that I would join my husband soon, although I would never self-harm because I have a lovely family.
Otherwise I would have done it weeks ago. It is a living nightmare, and I can only hope that it will get better, although at the moment I cannot visualize ever feeling normal again. I was married to Bill for 66 years so the loss has left me without any reason to go on. My family have been good to me but they have gone back to their busy lives, and I am as lonely as ever. I hope that things get better for you and send you my best wishes at this horrible, sad time. Eileen x