Iv lost my world
Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community
Iv lost my world
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hey all this is the first time iv posted here but this is my story i wanted to share on my grieving journey . i don’t really know where to start its a lot so if it is long i do apologise but thank you if you sticking with me whilst i tell you about my real life nightmare .
on the 1st of sept 23 my dad was admitted in to hospital after having an appointment he told he had to have life changing op and it can be 5050 weather you survive or not dad have 4 major surgeries within september and spent a month in intensive care being extremely unwell me and my mum spent every day there at the hospital with him. he started to get better and was finally discharged home for home care on the 29th of sept hes still not well and now needs more surgery unsure on this date . stick will me … on the 1st of oct 23 i became very unwell with covid obviously picked up from all the time at the hospital i know this as i don’t go anywhere else as im agoraphobic . i couldn’t get out of bed for 10 days just as i got better my mum started with covid on the 12th of oct she was already vulnerable because she had Ph and copd . on Friday 13th oct 23 she was admitted in to hospital as it got really bad she was sent home for a short period of time on oxygen as she had had a nervous breakdown in hospital due to the conditions of the ward . so she came home on a machine she wasn’t on this before she became unwell she was doing well considering her conditions before covid hit . she still wasn’t well when she had been sent home from hospital but needed to be at home due to the stress she was under in hospital and then on the 24th of October she was blue lighted back to hospital for suspected sepsis a lot happened in hospital i wont put you through all that and she unexpectedly died on the 16th of November alot happened in hospital that wasn’t suppose to happen with my mum which makes everything worse . but on the day she passed i was alone with her as my sister had just taken my dad home from the hospital as he couldn’t sit for long with his ops he had had he told her il see you tomorrow . me and my sister had not long ago had a meeting with her consultant who told us were not giving in just yet the treatment shes having can still take effect yet so were not going to put any plans in place for anything else just yet which i new what they meant by that . so my sister then took my dad home and with in that 45 minutes i saw my mum brutally loose her life right in front of my eyes i saw it all with no one with me bar the hospital staff and i can not get that out of my mind not only has she brutally been taken from me she also suffered . my mum was my all my everything my best friend soul mate my safe space my support . she’s held my hand thought all my life i didn’t think whilst sat next to my dads hospital bed in intensive care in September 2 months later my mum would be brutal taken . i have a small family and i have no children and i do have lot of complex health needs one being a brain condition which is very scary to think i have all this to now deal with alone now shes not here i dont think i can cope tbh . im also autistic and suffer with anxiety and depression my mum was my safe space the one who was always there no matter what and now shes not its a massive adjustment for me especially with the autism and im really struggling i feel completely numb im still stuck on the day she died i cant get it out of my head from the morning we woke up i new there was something different the hospital let me stay with her they got me a bed next to hers so i could stay with her i stayed there 7 nights with her she was suppose to go on to intensive care but there was no beds they had to bring the machine she needed to her . she was very much aware of everything that was going on she was awake but inside a lot was happening . i have inherited mums house since shes passed but i was already living here as i had to move in with her the first time she came out of hospital to care for her as she was very weak and breathless . so i do feel love surrounded by her home but the loss of her is absolutely soul destroying i cant talk to my family or friends iv shut down and gone within im lost angry upset crying all the time not sleeping but when i do being woke from nocturnal panic attacks . having terrible nightmares / im so forgetful i don’t feel like im here to be honest as strange as that sounds i just don’t know what to do for the best . to top it of i lost my cat of 15 years when my dad was in intensive care he passed away in our living room . also on the 28th of December my best friend of 20 years her husband unexpectedly passed away and yesterday i was at the vets with her and her dog who because extremely unwell and was unfortunately put to sleep at 3pm due to being to unwell . the day my mum passed that was the day my heart shattered in to a million pieces i almost feel like iv lost my self and my life i dont even recognise my self when i look in the mirror . my mum has always been the only one who’s been there for everything i feel like i have this large open space in side my stomach that feels the most awful feeling that i cant explain i know its the loss of something so beautiful some thing that will never come back or can ever be replaced im broken lost and almost scared to carry on . sorry this was so long there’s probably more i can say but right now iv said more than enough as you will all be here all day reading about me sorry for the long explanation its a lot i know . i never thought at 38 id be alone with out my best friend my world my mum . tia
. Be kind to yourself. Try and get that help