I've lost all self worth and motivation

Losing a sibling
1

I lost my cousin in June 2022 only 6 days after my birthday. she was only 12 days older than me and I know she’s not my sibling by blood but as we are from a Bangladeshi family, the majority of our extended family lived back home and we were the only relatives in our family that were similar ages to us. She came to the UK when we were about 5 years old and she had been by my side since. Not even my own brother knows me as well as she did. She is like the sister I’ll never have and the closest I’ll ever get to one. We both suffered from mental health issues since we were in year 10 so around when COVID started but we opened up to each other in year 12. I knew she was struggling with suicidal thoughts but I did too and she broke down in front of me in our school telling me how she couldn’t do it anymore not even for her baby sister and I felt horrible but I never thought she would do it because I felt the exact same but I don’t know if I could ever put that pain on others. She was only 17 for 18 days and now I’m 18 and she’s no longer 12 days older than me.

This all happened in the middle of sixth form, at the end of year 12 and I had this pressure from everyone to be her for her little sister and I did that. I pushed all my feelings away and helped everyone else. I thought I was ignoring it and I thought it would work so that I could do my A-levels and go to university. I refused to get help and I failed my A-levels and in the midst of re-sitting all of them. But this time I am trying to seek help but I have no idea how to process these feelings outside of my thoughts. I’ve only ever spoken about this online or over text because I don’t know how I will react when I say these things out loud.

I refused to believe what had happened and now all those feelings I pushed down is coming out in so many ways that I can’t handle. I hold a lot of blame for what happened as I truly do believe I made the last few months of her life hell and I don’t think that will ever go. But now I can’t concentrate on anything for more than 30 minutes before I think about the day she died. I can’t eat properly and I can barely look in the mirror without seeing someone who helped someone kill themself. I walk around my house and I don’t see anything without seeing our memories in those spaces. It’s suffocating. I can’t get out of bed and I am so close to giving in to substances. I need something or someone to help me get out of this at least for a little bit so I can do my A-levels and secure my future. I don’t know what to do.

2

Hello @manha,

I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin that brings you here.

You have been through so much already and I can hear the pain in your words. You mention being ready to get help now. Are you getting any support with your mental health? If not, I’d really urge you to make an appointment with your GP. You’ve written very clearly about your feelings here. If you find it difficult to say it out loud, maybe you could share this post with those around you, and with your GP, so they can better support you.

You might also find these resources helpful.

You may also want to explore our Online Bereavement Support, where you find our Grief Guide self-help platform, our Grief Coach text support service, and how to access our Online Bereavement Counselling.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Seaneen

3

Thank you Seaneen,
I am on the waiting list for CBT from an NHS company and I was on a waiting list for another mental health service but I have been waiting for about 3 months now. I don’t really know what else to do but wait.

Manha

4

I really hope the wait isn’t too long for you, @manha. Well done on reaching out for support.

In the meantime, you might find these links helpful:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

Mind also have a mental health app library, too.

If your mental health gets worse and you need urgent help, please do call 999 or go to A&E.

Take care
Seaneen

5

Hi @manha
I’m so sorry for your loss
Please don’t feel guilty about anything, this is just one of the most common symptoms of grief. Hang on until you get your counselling and if you keep reading and posting on here you’ll find your not on your own. Sending you hugs :hugs: Take care :heart:

6

Everyone tells me that its a symptom of grief but given the events that happened before she died, I did play a role in it and I thought what I was doing was right but it wasn’t.
But thank you so much for your kind words!

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Look after yourself and take one day at a time xx