I've lost my beloved Son

Hi everyone I’ve just joined this site, I lost my one and only beloved Son to suicide on 22/5/21 he suffered from mental health having been in Iraq and he seen things nobody would want to see when he came back a while later he was diagnosed with PTSD he was on medication for a long time when we went into lockdown he was working from home ( In the oil industry in Aberdeen) his wife was out working for the NHS all day every day, he couldn’t get the help he needed and it all got too much for him he went into the garage and double locked it and he took his life and when my daughter in law phoned me ( I’m 175 miles away ) I screamed and screamed his funeral was 7/6/21 it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do was to follow the hearse with my darling Son inside it I’m finding it really really difficult to cope I loved him so very much I’ve also been widowed twice and I feel so lost and lonely cant stop crying the pain is overwhelming I know there is a lot of people in the same position as I am in when will I cope and try to live my life !! I don’t know the answer to even come to terms with it much love and huge hugs to everyone xx :broken_heart::broken_heart:

So sorry for yr lose of yr son

Thank you Trudy he was my only child I feel like its all a dream and then I awake and its total reality I’m really struggling x

You are having to deal with so much grief - my heart goes out to you. There are organisations that specifically support people who have lost a loved one to suicide. It might be worth talking to your GP and finding out who can support you through this terrible time. Keep posting here - people will be supportive.

Hi I get were u r coming from I lost my husband only 4 weeks ago and it is like my heart has been roped out

Hi Jules I just can’t take any more unfortunately my GP isn’t taking any appointments it’s all online I would much rather talk face to face I know there is a long waiting list to see bereavement councillors this is why ive joined this forum to try to offload my grief a bit I did phone the Samaritans but I couldn’t hold a conversation with them for crying I need to try and compose myself and I will phone them back suppose I’m looking for someone to wave a magic wand and take this pain away my heart is literally shattered thank you so much for reaching out x :heavy_heart_exclamation:

Trudy I’m so very sorry you have lost your husband and sole mate I’ve been through that twice I know exactly how you’re feeling both of my Husbands are in my thoughts every day they were both wonderful men, that’s what makes it unbearable my heart goes out to you take care of yourself he will always be with you Trudy love and hugs to you x

Hi Mary
I’m so so sorry to hear about the loss of your son
Hope you find some comfort been on this site
Or maybe more specific counselling/support group for people who have lost someone to suicide like Jules4. Was saying
Or there is samaratins
Thinking of you
Take care
Big hugs❤️

Hi S47, thank you so much for your reply to me, I’ve just joined this site and yes its comforting to speak with all of you we all understand how we are feeling losing a loved and cherished person its just overwhelming the pain I’m feeling never ever even thought my Son would take his life and I keep saying to myself what if he had left it until the next day he might have been in a different mind set and I know I’m torturing myself with all the ifs and buts, I had counselling when I lost both my husbands and it definitely helped me its just very difficult with this Covid all these bereavement places have such long waiting times I did phone the Samaritans and it was a lovely compassionate lady but I couldn’t talk for crying but I will definitely phone them again, love and big hugs and thank you again it means a lot to me xx :heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation:

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Hi, so sorry to hear you lost your son to suicide. I lost my son to suicide 2 days after my husband was diagnosed with cancer and my husband died 8 months later. It is just devastating and very difficult to accept or understand why. Especially in the very early days afterwards. For me it is coming up 7 years and some days are still difficult. I know that a group called the compassionate friends are a specifically helps parents who have lost a child, including to suicide. They may be worth a look for you, perhaps not for counseling specifically but perhaps to talk to other parents, like me, who have lost a child. Online chats, such as this are a great help too, as it is so difficult to talk to others about losing a child without crying uncontrollably. I did that a lot. I know I needed to. I remember how lost and lonely I felt when my son died and had lot of what ifs? Going on in my head. Things do get easier with time - though not sure easier is the right word. Keep talking and remember to take care of yourself too. It can be easy to forget to look after yourself when you are grieving. Sending hugs in this difficult time.

Hi Mary 26
Thank you so much for your lovely message, I am like that now what you said about crying if I’m talking to someone I try hard not to but then I don’t think I have to hold back from it, I’m so very sorry you have also lost your beautiful Son and your sole mate Husband you get to a stage you think everything is against you, I’m constantly thinking what if he had left it till the next day and maybe he would have been in a different frame of mind my Son locked himself in the garage and took his own life I can’t get that vision out of my head and thinking God I hope he didn’t suffer I’m finding this forum quite comforting to talk to people and because I’m writing about it instead of facing people is helping thank you for mentioning that other group I will no doubt look into it, I don’t know if you have any other children Mary, I don’t he was the love of my life after 2 miscarriages I just want to fast forward to try and feel I can cope better it’s all too much at this time take care of yourself Mary big hugs to you xx

Life can just be horrible at times. There’s no need to hold back the tears - I certainly found crying was was good for me. It helped me deal with my feelings. Much better than keeping them bottled up.
My son took his own life too, in the living room of his house after too much alcohol. I also did a lot of what if scenarios…Maybe if I wasn’t so worried about my husband. I could’ve picked up on my sons mood and prevented him taking his own life…maybe if someone had answered the phone…what if he phoned the samaritans or went to A&E. There were many more. He had mental health problems from his teenage years onwards. He had tried to take his own life before. I thought he was finally in a good place, but I was so wrong. He just was hiding his feelings.
I am lucky that I have another son and have grandchildren too, but still felt totally on my own. I couldn’t grieve for my son because I needed to care for my husband. When my husband died I was on my own as my son lives a 3 hour drive away. So I can understand how lonely and devastated you are feeling at losing your only son. Unfortunately I never found a way to fast forward feeling better, or I’d definitely pass that on. I coped by surrounding myself with photos and memories of good times. I found it - sometimes/eventually helped me remember those too. It takes time and lots of talking - I spoke to anybody and used language like 'my son took his own life or died by suicide. If people asked how I was, I’d say I was surviving as I felt I couldn’t lie.
Keep talking/writing/communicating. It helps - in time. Hugs to you too. Take care xx

Mary26 you had a terrible time and totally understandable that you were focusing on your Husband after his diagnosis I cant imagine what you had to deal with when your lovely Son took his life and at the same time your poor Husband was having to take on board after being told about his fears
Live is just too cruel Mary my Son was in Iraq and was diagnosed with PTSD when he came back from there he suffered badly with mental health then he was driving in a convoy when he was there and a man threw a young child in front of my Sons lorry and the child died, he never came to terms with that and when we went into lockdown he was working from home and that made things worse because his wife was working constantly for the NHS and he had too much time on his hands as we’ve both said it’s all the ifs and buts but I think if the seed was set them they probably wouldn’t have been saved, so far this week I’ve not cried mainly because I’ve through myself into housework etc you’re quite right when you say about looking at photos and thinking about all the happy memories which I know we can both hold on to and cherish them love and gentle hugs, stay strong xx

Thank u yeh I no he is here with me xxxxxx

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I am so sorry about your son xx I lost my daughter this year, I have 4 other children but Emily was special, she was disabled from her late teens and was so much like me. I always feared outliving my kids and was especially protective and more worried about her. I hope the pain stops soon and we can go on with our lives as best we can!

Zecal I’m so Sorry you lost your beautiful daughter I also hope the pain eases in time I also have a daughter but Aaron was my first child I was a single parent for three years until I met and married my daughter s dad but he took hi Aaron on as his own. Now my daughter is my world.