My mother died when I was 10 and my sister was 8. I had to grow up pretty fast because my father, although he really did his best for us, just wasn’t coping. I suppose I became an emotional carer for my dad.
I met and married my husband when I was 20 – he was strong, caring and became my rock. He would always tell me that ‘we can get through this together’ no matter what the problem was. We had 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Our life was great, we had a close group of friends with children of similar ages, we both worked hard and gave our children the best life we could afford.
My sister died of cancer, aged 36 (the same age as my mum when she died).
Our daughter travelled the world once she graduated from university and finally settled in Canada where she’s been for 7 years. Our son had a few disastrous relationships and eventually met and married a very jealous woman 7 years ago and has broken off contact with all his family, to the point we were not invited to his wedding.
My husband became ill 4 years ago, was hospitalized, and now I’m his carer. He has a form of dementia that’s changed his personality from a loving, caring and supportive man to someone who has little mobility, virtually no short term memory and just sits and watches tv all day, doing nothing. He’s lost empathy, love and affection, not the man I love and married.
I’m so very sad, I have no family and friends we’ve known for years seem to have just disappeared. I know you’re probably thinking well get out there, reconnect with friends, join clubs, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, that’s good advice but how do you do that when it takes a humungous effort to just get out of bed each day. I find myself thinking ‘I just want my mum’ – what normal 64 year old thinks that?
Hi @Helen591
I can hear how heartbreaking all of this is for you, & how lonely you must feel. Caring for the man you love in his current condition must be really tough on you with no support, I’m sorry to hear of this. I have had people in my family that suffered with dementia/Alzheimer’s, it’s hard to watch someone you love become so… Not the person they used to be, & on top of that, caring for them 24 7 is exhausting, seriously, someone should be helping you, I can only suggest talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, & see if there are any kind of local organisations that can help to support you, but as for emotional support, I have always found it helpful talking on this forum, people are so caring & supportive, you are not alone.
It’s understandable to want mom in times like these, my mom was always my safety net, she passed away 2 years ago, I have been going through a tough time in my home life, & like you, I wish mom was here to help & support me through it. I’m in my late 30s, & it wouldn’t surprise me if I still have moments when I say that in my 60s, there’s no age limit to wanting mom, our mom’s represent a source of comfort, a warm hug in times of stress, someone to tell us “it’s all gonna be alright,” when we’re scared.
I don’t know about you, but after all that, I need a mug of cocoa with squishy marshmallows .
Nori, thank you. I know I’m fortunate that I don’t have to do much physical care for my husband now as he has learned to do most things himself now. It’s just the fact that I now have to do everything myself, even the ‘thinking’. For nearly 40 years we shared everything, if I didn’t do it he would and vice versa.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this difficult journey with your husband and your boys. I had bereavement counselling after my sister died and learned that I unconsciously felt my mum ‘left’ me. It was healing to understand that she didn’t, she would have given anything to still be there. Make sure your boys understand that, although I’m sure you will.
I’m sending supportive hugs to you and your family xx
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, talking on a forum like this really helps so much, you realise that you’re not alone with these feelings.
I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time at home, it’s so hard when you don’t have that ‘rock’ you’ve always depended on. I think the wanting my mum right now is because I want to be looked after. From the age of 10 I looked after my dad and sister, then I looked after my children, with help from my husband of course, and now looking after my husband, I just want someone to look after me. Wrap me in a blanket, give me a hug and tell me they’re there for me.
That mug of cocoa and squishy marshmallows sounds really good! x
I can so sympathise with you like everyone on the site , everything you say is totally normal ,i used to sway between despair when my husband was ill ,he had terminal brain tumour and developed memory loss ,slowly lost his mobiltiy ,his reasoning and his empathy , i hurt my self once in the kitchen and shouted for him to grab a towel and he just stared at me and never moved ,this was when he could walk more , its a gut wrenching heart breaking situation , when my mum died he never comforted me ,his brain didnt really register comfort even though at times he seemed quite normal in some conversation ,you feel as if your looking after a stranger and child sometimes , mine was doubly incontinent too ,he was 56 ,the last five years have been hell , sadly he died in june and i remember the hard working, strong man he was, the man who made me laugh and loved me so much , his physical appearance had changed and his personality too, but that was illness and medication ,i look back now and my days were filled with constantly caring ,washing ,and doing everything for him ,knowing he was clean ,comfortable and loved ,and he did know that ,i understand you totally, sorty for going on but you will never be alone, losing so many family members is heartbreaking for you, my mum passed 3 yrs ago at the hospice ,then my husband at the same hospice, my brother and father within 7nyrs if each other ,i have 2 girls both married living 5 hours away ,and lonliness and wanting my lovely mum to talk too just for 1 minute would be a dream come true ,the ache of love in all our hearts fir the people we have lost is like no other feeling isnt it .take care ,keep on this site it will help you its helped or helping 1000s of us ,we need it x
Also sometimes we just need someone to say its okay to feel this way ,or just give us a hug or say im here when you need me, not a lot to ask ,but just a kind word is all it takes ,so from me to you ,your okay to feel this way ,sending you a hug x
Dear Helen You are stronger than you think. You have had some big life blows. Loosing a Mum so young is tough, and I think some of the emotional development stops inside the person from that date. I lost my Mum at 15, and sometimes I felt like I was in a parallel universe and did not go past that day in my mind. I finally got some peace from those thoughts, when I held my beautiful grand daughter minutes after she was born. Mum came into my mind and I thought she never got to experience that. Something just clicked in my mind after over 40 years
r. So yes it is normal for a 64 year old to have thoughts of wanting their Mum.
Oh Raffy you have gone through so much, I really can’t imagine what it was like for you doing all that personal care for your husband. I’m fortunate that my husband can do that for himself now although when he first came out of hospital I did have to wipe his bum because he could barely stand.
Yes, the loneliness is so very hard. I’m in a whatsap group with the friends I’ve known for so many years and it hurts when I see photos of fun times they’ve had together, I guess they’ve given up inviting me because I nearly always have to bow out because of hospital/doctors appointments etc. My daughter and I message each other and use facetime but I miss hugs so much. The hardest thing to cope with is that we haven’t heard from our son for 7 years. He was always so close to his family but he’s been totally brainwashed by his wife and her family, they live only 4 miles away. The ache of wanting to hear his voice saying ‘I love you mum’ - he used to say that every day - is almost physical.
I’m saying to you also 'you’re okay feeling this way, I’m sending you a hug x
Hello Mary, thank you for your kind words, they mean so much. I have such happy memories of being a young child but I’ve forgotten, or blocked out, so many things from when I was a teenager. I wish she had been able to hold and meet her grandchildren. You are so very blessed to be able to hold your grand daughter, something I have never done because our son cut off all contact with us 7 years ago but I know from mutual friends that I have a granddaughter and a grandson who I don’t know if I will ever meet. x
My heart goes out to you . Especially regarding your grandchildren. I am trying to do everything I can to make happy memories for them. Best wishes, and remember you are never alone especially when you have this forum.
Well I’m 61 and I think that too , I don’t think age matters and it shouldn’t matter when grieving , I think at my age I should be more mature about my mother dying and be more thankful that my mother lived to the grand old age of 96 but I still want her back , still
I’m sorry to hear of this. I have had people in my family that suffered with dementia/Alzheimer’s, it’s hard to watch someone you love become so… Not the person they used to be, & on top of that, caring for them 24 7 is exhausting, seriously, someone should be helping you, I can only suggest talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, & see if there are any kind of local organisations that can help to support you, but as for emotional support, I have always found it helpful talking on this forum, people are so caring & supportive, you are not alone.
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