I’ve just joined the community and can’t quite believe I’m actually doing this. I lost my mum and best friend to Bile Duct Cancer last October. A rare but aggressive cancer which often only shows itself in the final stages …which it did. The diagnosis to death was just three weeks. That terrible week before mum died will be forever etched in my mind things just went from bad to worse. On the Tuesday we were told it was terminal only palliative care could be given and we were being introduced to the palliative care team and making an end of life plan. The following day we were told they had scanned mum that morning and found the cancer had spread to the lungs and we would have to get the end of life plan in place very quickly. Mum was moved to a hospice on the Thursday in a terribly confused and frightened state thankfully she was sedated. Sadly mum didn’t regain consciousness and passed away early hours of Saturday morning.
I have found that as the months have gone on the grief has got worse especially at the end of the each day. Mum was staying with me in the last few weeks of her life and her clothes, shoes etc are still with me and I can’t bare to give them away . Her shoes sit by the side of the bed I won’t even put them in the cupboard. I keep saying to myself I should put them away I have to move forward and doing that is a small step but it just doesn’t feel right. I wake up each morning and it hits me mum has gone sometimes it takes my breath away thinking about her.
Hi. Beth 64. Mornings can be a very bad time in grief. Our metabolic rate, the rate we use energy is at it’s lowest, as it is with everyone, but we are very susceptible to mood swings. It can apply to evenings too when we are tired. But memory plays a big part in this as you are finding. As time passes the memories fade a little and there may be some relief. It does depend so much on the individual and how they see life. There are no rules or fixed formulae. Day by day is best, and slowly. You will deal with your mum’s clothing and so on later, when you have the strength and courage to do so. Don’t force yourself to do anything, although there may come a time when persuading yourself it’s the best thing to do will come. Last October is not long ago in bereavement, and coping after so short a time can be difficult.
Try and take it day by day even hour by hour. Above all take care of yourself. It’s so easy to neglect our own welfare at times like this. Moving forward will come, but if it doesn’t feel right at the moment then leave it.
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother died suddenly last October too of pneomonia and a heart attack.
I’ve lived with my mother, as her carer for 21 years.
Mum stuff is all around. Her shoes are under the desk. Her handbag close to the settee. Her identity is all over the house and her items trigger memories.
A week ago I had a suddenly wanted to change everything to make it more chearful. I considered removing a lot of her personal stuff. It was only because her stuff was a reminder of the fact she is missing.
In the end, I decided to wait, but just declutter a little bit.
You could always pop things in a box out of the way for now, if it feels too much. I’ve got a lifesize photo of Mum displayed, but sometimes I’ve got to place it face down, as the feelings are too intense.
I think it’s possible that the items which are hard to deal with now, could be a comfort many years down the line. A time whent we think of our Mums with joy and not terrible grief.
Oh Beth your post could have been written by myself it exactly mirrors how I lost my lovely mum on the 5th April - told on the 31st March that only palliative care available and that life expectancy was 3 - 12 months and passed away on the 5th April. Like you, the only pictures in my mind now are of those last few terrible days and I feel empty inside. The grief does take my breath away too - like I can’t go on. I’m so very sorry for your loss and that you’re feeling like this too - a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I think the only thing we can do is just survive through this time and take each day as it comes, maybe even each hour as it comes. As for putting your mum’s things away I think you’ll feel when it’s right so don’t put pressure on yourself to do something you’re not ready for. There are no rules when it comes to grief and everyone reacts differently but I think the one common thread is that we loved the people we’ve lost so much and that’s why it hurts so badly. Just remember that there are people on this forum who are ready to listen - it really has comforted me over the last six weeks. Take care, be kind to yourself and I hope the pain eases in time. Sending all my best Justinexxx
Thank you for your kind reply you know you are not the only person going through this but often feel like you are alone in your grief. Reading the many posts it has given me comfort. We all know one day you will have to say goodbye to your parents but you are never prepared for the overpowering emotions you go through each day.