I like that Shirl, thank you for sharing it 
Hoping you can all have the best day possible under our very difficult circumstances x
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I really like that - it is very true. Thank you for those wise words.
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Thank God you’re still here. I know how much it hurts and don’t think I haven’t considered it too, but I know it would cause other people who love me the same pain that I am feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. One day at a time is all we can do.
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Hi all. hope all is well with you and thank you for your kind replies. 
As you may have guessed I’ve been taking some time out to get my head together. To be honest inwardly I wish my suicide attempt had succeeded. Yet having lived I’ve witnessed the terrible consequences of my action through my families reactions. Its a blooming catch 22 situation. I cant win either way. I won’t lie to you my greatest wish is to die as soon as possible but mother bloody nature seems to have other ideas.
When admitted to hospital the ECG showed I had a healthy heart despite my drinking and smoking. Damn! And as cancer isn’t in the family genes I believe I can rule that avenue out.
My friends I’m world weary. I’ve had enough. Every day is a pretence at being happy.
I’ve seen it all, done it all and life no longer has any surprises for me. And to rub salt in the wound my closest and only colleague and neighbour aged 74 going on 17 is so immature and materialistic is driving me nuts. He’s also one of these people that you get half way through your first sentence when he interrupts - finishes your sentence for you then goes on to talk about himself non stop for maybe 10minutes or so. He knows everything about everything in between boasting about the flash cars he’s owned the wild parties he’s held at his house and of course all the women he’s been to bed with. And this shallow minded idiot is 74; can you believe that ? Oh! and along with that long hair of course. And he never shows any sadness at his wife’s death 4yrs ago. Very pragmatic and impossible to share feelings with. I’ve tried but he just smiles with apparent embarrassment. quote:- " Well Sues dead so that’s that." They were married 40yrs yet he looked after her ill health in a wheelchair for the last 10yrs of her life. I cant get my head around this weirdo.
I only met him through a lovely widower named Tony living down our street who’s since died leaving me the legacy of this idiot. Even Tony used to despair at this cretins behaviour but was lumbered with him through meeting him at a Residents Association meeting decades ago.
So I’m now researching the cost of residential care and moving away. A small flat among others like me. If its too expensive in London I’ll move out anywhere within reason. So the house would be sold. Our children Sarah and Matthew already own half the house having inherited it from their Mum; my darling wife Anne. I know we can’t run away from ourselves but as they say ’ A change is as good as a rest. ’
Anyway its just a thought at the moment and I’d be interested on your views my friend.
Love you all
James.
Love Geoff xx
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Whoops!
Re my last post.
I sent the same mail to my brother inlaw Geoff and forgot to delete it after copy and paste. Sorry for any confusion 
Hello @Shirl Thank you for that lovely quote. That has helped me enormously.
love and light. x
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I have just discovered the Grief Recovery Method, created by John W. James. Look up his introductory video on line and videos of people who have experienced this method.
I think it looks very helpful as a guide through terrible grief and how to recover. In the u.k. there are many people trained to support and take you through it.
I am very keen on this for me, I think it is very supportive and recovery is what I desperately want. Pass the information on if you feel it would help other people. We all want help with our grief so much.
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Hi CarolAn, thanks for sharing this, I read a small amount about it last night. It seems like a practical plan for getting you “through” grief . Do you know how much it costs to have one of those people help you by any chance? it sounds interesting.
Hello, James.
After speaking to my G.P. I have been having regular visits and 'phone calls from the Mental Health team in my area.
This arose because I refused medication as I saw my problem as a normal response to a terrible loss. Grief and depression are not necessarily the same.
The team eventually understood this and now a psychologist visits me each week but I also have the telephone numbers of the team in case help should be needed at any time. There is no cost involved.
God bless.
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Hi FleurDeLis, I have found out more about it now and have just received The Grief Recovery Handbook from Amazon which apparently is necessary to have and is used by all.
The “specialists” seem to charge approx £40-£60 but it looks like some might negotiate less. (Grief.uk has their photos and about them on their site- prices not displayed though).
Apparently you can do Groups (not with covid though), face to face, zoom/Skype etc. , working through the book with friend or partner, or even on your own. I am keen on doing it on zoom, to have support with it.
I spoke to Carole Henderson(such a sweet, kind person) at Grief u.k. who brought it to the u.k. in about 2007. She lost her husband and didn’t find anything had helped her grief until she discovered this method.
This has really given me some hope.
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Hi FleurDeLis
Forgot to say the Grief Recovery Method is apparently 7 sessions approx 1 hour long. Not fixed like therapy i.e. same time every week and can vary a bit on amount of time according to how you progress.
I so related to John W. James on his video saying his brain was not broken but his heart was. I never heard anyone else ever say that - such a relief to hear.
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Hi James, hope your ok sending you love and hugs to you, xx