I lost my husband two months ago yesterday after his 15 month battle with cancer. I’ve been so busy, like everyone in this situation, organising, sorting, it’s been like watching someone else. Two weeks ago, realisation suddenly hit, he’s gone, I’ve lost him, he’s never coming back. I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since - the pain is physical - I have family but I truly don’t feel like a belong anywhere - and right now that I ever want to again. I created an analogy to try and explain my feelings to someone I was talking to the other day - I had a jigsaw - a beautiful, complete jigsaw puzzle on a board on a table, but something came and upturned it and the pieces went everywhere. I know I, even if I scrabble on my hands and knees for all eternity to gather those pieces, and redo that puzzle, it will never be complete again, there will always be pieces missing. So, I have to start a puzzle. Some days I can add a new piece, some days I can’t even look at it. There is no guide, as I have no picture to follow, and I know that although I can start the new jigsaw, it will take me the rest of my life to complete. In theory, the analogy makes sense, the reality however couldn’t be further from from the truth.
Hi CaS16 I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My wife died on Christmas day after being treated for bile duct cancer for two years. I thought I was prepared for the eventual outcome but when it happened I felt like I had been ripped apart, a pain so unimaginable to anyone who hasn’t gone through this. Unfortunately everyone here understands how we feel as they are all in different stages of the same suffering. I hope you find some comfort being able to talk and understood.
Wishing you all the strength you need
All the best
Tom 
Hi Brandon1 - thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry to hear of you losing your wife. My husband had esophageal cancer ( with lung and lymph nodes mets by the time of diagnosis) later spreading to his bones. I hear you, I mourned the loss of so many different things during those 15 months, if you had asked me 6 weeks before he passed, I would have told you I was prepared; how wrong you can be, nothing can ever prepare you for losing your soul mate you have married to for half your life. I am thankful for a lot of things - having the last 12 months together 24/7, him passing at home where he wanted to be without pain, and the two of us being together until the end. I only have positive memories of our life together, but there in is the twist of the knife, they start and end with the person I created them with as he is not here to continue making new ones with. In more rational moments, I tell myself it must be possible to survive grief as many people do, just right now, I don’t see how that happens.
Sending strength and healing thoughts
Hi CaS16, I have come to believe that the only way to deal with this horrific situation is to concentrate on the fact that I have been blessed by being married to my beautiful wife for almost 40 years. From the day I passed my pretty thing walking in London my life changed forever. I was 18 and with one look she took my heart. There are plenty of people who go through life without ever knowing what true love looks like.
I have found being able to talk on this site a great help as everyone here understands how we feel as they are all going through the same pain. I hope you find some solace here as well.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hi CAS16,
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband recently. I know how you feel because my husband died of lung cancer in 2024. Feeling alone even around people and family is normal because your life is different now. My husband and I were married for 30 years. It’s hard to go on alone but we have to. What helps me is routine. I do certain things at various times every day such as getting the mail, making the bed etc. It gives life a purpose of sort. Also prayer helps a lot. God is there for us; especially now. I know that my husband is up in Heaven and we’ll be reunited again as you will with your husband, in God’s time. But it’s difficult being left behind. I’ll say a prayer for you that it gets easier for you to cope with this awful change in your life.
Snowy Evening
Sorry for your loss. My hubby passed 4 March 2025 was only diagnosed on 13 January 2025 of stage 4 lung cancer. Life is so very cruel.
I often think of a broken patterned glass vase no matter if you glued it back together it will never look or be the same but you can’t bring yourself to throw it away as you love it so much.
This new life we now have to live we have two choices I believe we either sink or swim. I’m choosing to swim. As I know my husband wouldn’t want me to give up on myself.
Sending you a virtual 
Use this forum when you need it we are all here for each other and fully understand x
Thank you SnowyEvening for your beautiful reply and your comforting words 
I am not a religious person per sei but I do understand your sentiments and it is something to hold on to. My husband wanted his ashes to come home, as that’s the only place he ever wanted to be in life, and I find this a great comfort. I’m not delusional, but knowing that he is still here in some form with me gives me that connection still, a form of comfort, knowing I still have some sort of physical presence of him around me.
Sending you strength and virtual hugs
Thank you Heartbroken 2 - I love your analogy - that’s exactly what life is now. I’m hoping one day in the future I too will see the beauty in my badly glued, but beautiful, imperfect vase
So many things have changed, and need to change now in my daily routine. I’ve had to completely redo our little front room as we had to get rid of the settee to make way for the hospital bed, and the carpet was ruined; at first I panicked and thought I would erase all memories by having different aesthetics, but now I realise that even though it looks different, our memories are still in the room and nothing will change them, so tiny, but positive learning curve there. I’ve had to apply for jobs; I’ve spent the past 5 years in employment ( except the past 14 months where I haven’t worked) working from home, but had made the conscious decision to find employment where I have to leave the house; again, panic inducing, but something I know I have to do. I don’t want to change my routine, my life, be different from how things were. But I guess that’s the whole point, nothing is as it was, and you are right, in basic terms it is sink or swim. I don’t want to sink, I know my husband wouldn’t want me to sink, it’s just finding the right arm bands now to work out how to stay afloat.
Sending strength and virtual
Brandon1 - this is so very true. I told my husband that I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, of a life without him, but that the flip-side of that was that I had him 
For all those years, we had something that some people can spend a life time searching for but never find!
I am grateful, more grateful that I could ever articulate, and I’m hoping one day that gratitude can be at the forefront of all my thoughts in my day to day life as there will never be anyone else for me
Hi CaS16, I hope you find a little more peace soon. The first couple of months were just a flood of emotions mainly pain but I have found a more manageable life lately in which I carry my wife’s love with me, to carry on.
Wishing you all the best
Tom