Hi all. I’ve not been on here for a while as it felt too much reading all the sad questions and answers on top of my own grief. Sorry if that sound harsh. My husband and soulmate of 49 years died suddenly last April and I had some counselling in the summer which I thought was helping. Then it ended and winter came 
I turned to my journal. I had started it when Barry started to get breathless and was initially just recording his sats and symptoms. Over the next two months I added more stuff including my worries and feelings. When he died the journal suddenly became my way of talking to him. Every day I written about my day and my feelings. I’ve poured my heart out and ended up not being able to type because if the tears. My counsellor encouraged this. But now I’m dwelling on everything that happened ‘on this day last year’. His first anniversary is fast approaching and I’m worrying that this journal combined with the photos of those last two months are making me worse. Or am j just worse because of the date? I’m interested to hear if others write like this and how do you cope with photos? Thank you all for being here and reading this long post.
Hi Mrsp4, I have been attending bereavement sessions where we have been given tasks of writing involving letters to loved one or what we feel bad about, whether we blame ourselves for things etc. some of these things help to put in perspective how we feel but they are also very hard to write and I’m not sure I could be writing a journal as you have been doing. I think for me it would be just too intense. The photos I have around the house I like as I find comfort in seeing my wife smiling. We all I imagine run through thoughts of our loved ones and conversation but writing is much more analytical in my opinion an therefore draining.Another thing I have found that helps me is looking for beautiful things every day in nature. I often feel my wife is smiling when I find something almost as if sharing the moment.
All the best
Tom
I don’t think it would be good for me to write things down. I started too at the beginning but found it too upsetting. Just photos of the day that pop up on my phone are too much to bear. I can look at photos but only when I chose too, no surprises.
The build up to any family event without our loved ones is awful and I’m already dreading his birthday and anniversary and they are months away.
Hi
Hi, I journal to my husband everyday. Like you I tell him about how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. He was the love of my life, best friend, everything to me for 46 years. Its coming up on the one year anniversary, he passed from cancer April 16. This is such an unbearable path we are all on. I never ever imagined my life without him. We had very high hopes for more time, both of us in denial. My best to you
Your first anniversary is very close too 
My husband had Pulmonary Fibrosis and we knew it was life limiting but we had no idea it would be so soon. We had a year full of things to do before he became unable to travel. Then he got a chest infection which led to pneumonia. Even on the day he passed he sat up in bed talking as drank his tea and took his pills. No one saw it coming 
Even his doctor was taken by surprise . All the best to you all
Hi Mrsp4. Not journalling as such, but last year I decided to write a short story on my cancer experience. It was a stop/start process as it evoked so many emotions and memories that were triggering and like yourself typing with tears, but at the same time the process was kind of cathartic. Sharing worries and fears on paper.I hadn’t finished it and when my husband died in November I got the determination to . That was hard because the last chapter now includes what happened to him and the pain and shock that has come with it.
It’s ok to stop and go back to it, if and when you feel like. It’s taken me 20 years to put it into words all from memory of that time and the harsh reality of the past 4 months. If it’s too painful, leave it for a while and go back to it when you’re ready.
Hope the anniversary is not to upsetting for you.