Just 4 days with my dad

4 months ago my local hospital called me to say my dad had been admitted 10 days beforehand and had days to live, I didnt even know he was ill as my stepmother told the hospital he had no family! My stepmother is an alcoholic and advised me my father didnt want me there which was so untrue. Tragically we lost contact 16 years ago (I was in my 40’s then) when he married my stepmother she had some serious stuff going on in her life and we were very worried about him being with her but he was determined to be with her and moved abroad where they married. 2 years ago we reconnected and were due to meet in person for the first time in 16 years as he was returning to the UK when I got the awful call from the hospital. I spent the last 4 days of my dads life with him she rarely visited and when she did she turned photos of me I had given him face down on the table. She then cremated him behind my back with no service ban on flowers or grave with ashes to be returned to her. She has since left abusive messages on my phone. I am now beginning to hear how awful life had been for him living with an alcholic and how he was treated over the years. The latter 3 years of his life he had dementia but no care was sought for him and he struggled through a miserable existence. I am now grieving the fact my dad left me when he walked out on my mum when I was 4 years old grieving for the lost 16 years grieving for the loss my dad’s wonderful artistic and clever mind and feeling terrible to know how he was being treated including mind games and other awful stuff but also feeling so frustrated that he chose this awful woman over me (not that I ever asked him to make a choice) and then I get 4 days at the end of his life when he tells me I am the most kindest and beautiful woman he has ever met. My poor mind, at least I feel as though the ‘penny must have dropped’ but oh what wasted years and I have such an odd mixture of emotions.


Hello @SUKI1968, I can see you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I’m sorry for the loss of your dad that brings you here.

I’m just giving this thread a gentle bump for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.

Take care and keep reaching you - you are not alone.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad and the painful experiences you have endured. Hopefully you will be able to focus on the positive memories you have of him, rather than agonising over the past. Life is full of emotional challenges and decisions are usually made for the best of intentions. It won’t help to torment yourself going over the details. All you can do is try your best to move forward and remember happier times. Take care xx

Hi Suki, I really felt for you reading your post. Finding all this out now about your dad must be very painful. My dad died 15 years ago and he had re-married someone who turned abusive to him and I think he suffered mentally as a result and that is so upsetting BUT you cannot take responsibility for your dad’s decision, he made his own life choices. You have to focus on the time you did have and thankfully you got to spend some time with him at the end, just imagine if you hadn’t been able to say goodbye. Just try and hold on the positives (I need to take my own advice sometimes!). Sending you strength and hugs xx

Many thanks indeed Rosie for taking the time to reply to my post, it is so much appreciated. I will certainly try and follow your advice during this very sad and challenging time. I hope you are in a better place am guessing you are working through your own grief following the loss of a loved one take care and thank you so much for thinking of others Suki xx

1 Like

Thank you so much for replying to my post, it is very kind of you. It just goes to show there are so many types of loss over and above the terrible loss of losing our loved one to their passing. I am so very sorry your dad suffered a similar fate to mine, it is awful to think of what they endured. My dad thought he could change his wife but she just got worse over the years. Thank you very much for reminding me that my dad made his own life choices it is so hard to think he thought so much of me to say as such on his deathbed but not during the years that mattered. I am just so glad I got to spend 4 days with him without her in our hair. Take good care of yourself and the emotions you must be experiencing. Much strength to you too and thank you again your kindness means so much SUKI X

1 Like