just a sad Sunday

My niece and her hubby came to see me on Saturday with their beautiful daughter Florence, she is such a tonic, a baby that they never thought they would have so she is so much more special. As they were leaving I felt sad and I could tell that Nat did too, we hugged & kissed goodbye and off they went. I went back into the house and it hit me, sadness. I got a text from her about 2 mins after she left saying thanks for a lovely time and how she hoped I was ok…she could see I wasn’t! It set me off crying and I didnt recover for the rest of the weekend. It made me feel the loneliness so much, I miss Martin so much. I went out with Lily (dog) on Sunday for a good walk in Delamere Forest and it helped to get out of the house but when I got back it kicked in again. My brother sent me a message to ask if I was ok and I was honest and said I had struggled after Nat had left. He told me that she was sad too when she left and could see that I was too. I told him that seeing them was wonderful and so great to see them so happy, but it just highlighted my position. I cried a lot throughout the weekend and am trying to pull myself together. I have my counselling tomorrow which I know will help but its just not having Martin here is killing me. I saw lots of couples at weekend together looking happy and I just wanted to shout you are so lucky to still have each other. I need to focus on other stuff but find it hard, once i fall into this dip I struggle to get back out of it. Anyway today is another day, the dreaded Xmas is coming and all the happiness that brings with it. I coped ok last year and this year I am away at my parents so I hope that having the company for 2 weeks will help too and lots of nice walks. It will never be the same I know but what can i do I have to carry on, it is what Martin would have wanted me to do. We used to love doing the tree together on a Sunday afternoon with Xmas songs playing and it is just not the same anymore. I went through my memory box yesterday, read all of the cards Martin got while poorly and then the sympathy cards and it helped a little. I read the Eulogies given by Martins brother and my brother and they were so lovely to read again. I know i have to get on with this but its so hard when i dont have Martin to look forward to seeing every day, night, eating meals with, walking the dog all the simple things in life we all take for granted…I just wish he was still here beside me…love you darling always and forever …Detty…his pet name for me xxx

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Thinking of you x