Just a shoulder

Losing a parent
1

Hi All,

Not sure where to start…but here we go, I lost my dad 24 wks ado. It was sudden, no illness…he died in an hour after the ambulance arrived in hospital. Failure of the left valve in the heart. I was alone with him.

I’m struggling…big time!
He was the only one who really loved me. My mum’s love is transaction, my sister is selfish and only looks out for herself, my brother estranged.The whole family is more distant and dysfunctional than before.

I am suffering from trauma and PTS. I live at home with the my mum and sister…neither talk to me. I’m isolated and lonely living in my room, like a house share. I’m looking for work, friends say don’t talk to us or burden us…

My mum and sister talk about dad and have each other for support. I don’t. Therapists cost so much. Went to the doctor today and she doesn’t think I’m depressed (I’m not- I am grieving with zero support), she suggested this group and there is not bereavement counselling on the NHS.

Life just sucks…I have not even processed my dad isn’t here anymore then add all the family dynamics and it’s impossible.

I miss him with every fiber of m, he would ask about my day, ask how my interviews went, I could hug him, I have so many memories with him.

Now, it’s empty…funny how people don’t understand how far kindness, support and love can stretch.

My sister has always been resentful I was born, jealous…we had a so, so relationship but she said she would be there for me after dad passed but she only managed 8-12wks max! Now she’s fully bonded with mum, someone she doesn’t normally like.

I told my mum I was struggling she didn’t say much…I told her I feel like an orphan- she said yes.

I just want my dad back and a hug…it’s so stupid. I know he can;t come back but…

2

I come here after losing both parents, the last one two years ago. this is a nice site. I am so sorry about your father. mine died of heart failure.

it is a horrible time and I learned that you must accept all of its horribleness.

there is no other way. then, it is true, bit by tiny bit, things get less painful.

but it is still horrible. for a long time. I learned either you go with them or continue to live and if you continue to live, you will live with the pain. there is no avoiding it only managing it.

not much comfort but life is like that. losing loving parents is devastating and also I learned … never let anyone minimize your grief. you are allowed it. honor it and then you honor yourself.

3

Hi Berit,

Thanks for your message. Unfortunately I live with them and don’t have a job. So until then I am the punch bag for them. Perhaps they should of watched dad pass to actually know what it’s like!

They have each other for support and I have me, myself and I.
Personally I don’t know why they would isolate someone like that considering my sister came out with it must be worse for me and yet all I can judge is the lack of actions.

That’s the thing I don’t feel like I have the right to be upset…and yet I am.

4

Hi Sam,

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, both your dad passing away and the lack of support you have, I have supportive people in my life and I am finding it hard enough so I cannot imagine what youre going through. Im confused at why the docotr has told you that you cant get beareavement counselling on the NHS, both my sister and i have been referred for it from our doctor, is there another doctor you can see at your surgery to check? In the meantime there is a free volunteer aupport group called CRUSE, have a look online and give them a call to see what they can do for you, it’s so important that you have support even if it’s from a counsellor.

Sam you have absolutely every right to grieve, you have lost your dad and it sounds like the two of you had in incredible bond, what youre going through now is completely normal and you must remember that, the hurt and pain you are feeling now is a testament to how much you loved your dad and if anyone has the right to grieve it’s you.

Talking about my dad is one of the few things that helps me cope, if you ever want to talk I will always listen, everyone here knows exactly how you’re feeling, you’re not alone I promise you x

5

Hi Emma2915,

Thank you for your support. I’m sorry your loss and really appreciate your kind words. It’s tough isn’t it…
There has been so much going on and I don’t speak about dad to anyone who is related to me. When I spoke about dad my sister told me that I act like I’m the only one who lost him (I didn’t think I was doing that, I was just talking and my sister doesn’t open up so it was one way therefore she was absorbing all my stuff and felt a certain way), then I was told I make her feel guilty dads’ not here. Again, that was never my intention and if talking about dad makes her feel that way then I can’t do anything. Whereas my brother accused both my sister and I on separate occasions of killing dad- go figure. He was estranged from him.

Thank you! It feels like I can’t make it to the end of my road without a memory of him. I know this will get easier in time and perhaps make me smile. I think I have to go in to a mode where I just do things and try not to think but easier said than done. He was someone I wanted to protect because my mum would put so much pressure on him and he did so much. I wanted to make his life easier, let him know I loved him. He was the only one who would say that to me- ‘I love you’. Now it feels empty. I was close to him. I would always be there if my parents needed anything. I live at home but when I was working away I would speak to them everyday without fail. Dad would always ring me and catch up. It’s a void.

The NHS offers bereavement counselling but not traumatic bereavement or PTSD which is what I have. I see a counselor from Relate but she doesn’t have traumatic bereavement training so I don’t open up to her about dad. I only talk about the family dynamics. I’m looking for someone locally that is affordable with trauma.

I do speak to CRUSE on the phone line, they are helpful. I just need an outlet to just talk and get it out.

Thank you, your kind words and empathy go a long way and listening! xx