Yesterday I lost my husband through 10 years. I have to say the pain is so overwhelming like I´ve ever felt anything in my entire life and I seriously don´t know how to cope with it.
He was diagnosed last year with advanced incurable cancer to his oesophagus. He went through treatment from July to November and it was successful but unfortunately his health took a very bad dive and he had to be hospitalised twice. During the second one the doctors gave him 3-6 months to live and I had to throw in the towel because I could no longer care for him at home so I made the hard decision together with a wonderful nurse from Marie Curie to send him to a care home.
He was there for 3 months. They were absolutely amazing there and did everything they could for him. He became more and more weak and towards the end he started having anxiety attacks which made them give him injections of sedatives and morphine. That gave him the peace he needed to slip away.
I find the pain absolutely overwhelming. He was the love of my life my soul mate my everything. I´m crying all the time because I miss him so much and at the same time everything is up in the air. I don´t know what my financial situation is going to be since the only income we had was his pensions (He had 3) I don´t know where to go for help and nothing is really clear to me. Right now I really wish there was somewhere I could go and get the help I need to sort it all out
I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is a time of overwhelming emotions and I’m afraid there’s nothing I can say that will help you feel better. But please know, everyone on this forum knows what you are going through, because we are all in the same position as you. We are all on this awful grief journey together, albeit at different stages.
Crying all the time is normal as is the missing him, I’m 8 weeks in and still struggle with both, so what you feel is perfrctly normal
If you are stuck for help then you vould try Citizens Advice Bureau, they are said to be good.Please keep posting, it does help
Thank you Liro it always helps to know that others are facing the same situation. That you are never quite alone. I know it´s still early days for me and that I need to focus on getting through one day at a time. I will definitely use this community in the time to come and hopefully I´ll find my way through the jungle eventually xxxx
We all know what a dreadful time it is, and all of us thought we couldnt cope. All we can do is to hang on with our fingertips, especially to friends and relatives. The storm will abate, just give it time.
Don’t try to sort everything out immediately, it can wait. But one thing you should know is that when the death is registered, the registrar should offer you a free service called “Do it once”. They will send all the details off to every government department directly, who will automatically sort out things such as Government pensions, driving licence, council tax, benefits etc etc. You don’t have to do anything, because they will contact you.
If there is a banking issue, my bank had a Bereavement Department, who sorted everything out for me.
Just look after yourself, let yourself cry and grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss, i lost my husband January this year ,he had terminal cancer.Don,t try and sort everything all at once .Just let yourself grieve. as said on recent posts there is help out there,and look after yourself.
Thats right DH72 one step at a time, one day at a time. There is help out there and hopefully you have friends and family to support you. Take whatever help is offered, don’t try and do it alone
Big hugs
Im sorry for your loss, the advice every one has given is good, but you can claim bereavement allowance from DWP. It gives you a lump sum of £2500.00 and 18 months payment of £100. It will help you out until you can get your husbands pensions sorted. Ring them they will do it over the phone. You might inherit part of you husbands state pension, if you are already or due to retire, I did.
As others have said the tell me once service is excellent.
Your are so early on this road, there will be alot of tears it is very normal.
Sending love
Debbie xx
Just to say the DWP bereavement allowance is only available if you are under state pension age. I totally understand your anxiety about knowing how your finances will stand but you will sort it out eventually. Take it slow.
I’m sorry for your loss.Please don’t panic and rush things it will all sort itself out.As for your financial situation you will maybe be entitled to your husband’s pensions if they were private ones.I was with my partner for 38 years and we never married but when he died I got his work pension because I was classed as his dependent.I didn’t expect it never thought about it but they contacted me about my eligibility.
Here is some info.
Tell Us Once is a **free service offered by most local authorities on behalf of the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP)
The service allows you to inform central and local government services of the death at one time rather than having to write, telephone or even attend each service individually
To use the Tell Us Once service, the person who died needed to have lived in England, Scotland .
I didn’t know about this but when I went to register my husband’s death, the registrar told me about it. I was given a code that allowed me to use this.
It will enable you to inform many organisations for example the local council, DVLA, etc. I found it very helpful.
So very sorry for your loss. It is such heartbreaking day. You are in shock, your mind is all over the place. I can still remember it as it was a matter of weeks ago.
I really wish I could you give you a hug!
Hello, I too lost my husband through oesophageal cancer, it was so awful, I felt just like you but once the shock wears off you won’t feel so rotten, to help put your mind at rest about the financial side as the others suggested look up “bereavment payment” online & if you can look to apply, there very quick & also once you’ve got the death certificate send it off to the 3 private pensions & then you can put it out of your mind for a while?
At the moment try and eat at least a small meal per day, cups of tea & if you only want to eat junk food do that.
At the moment your in the worst place but you will get through it.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, @DH72. I hope that you find the community to be a support to you - you are not alone.
I can see a few of our members have mentioned the, “Tell Us Once” service. Tell Us Once is a service that lets you report a death to most government organisations in one go. So I just wanted to link it here for you:
Hi @Debbie57 not everyone is entitled to this unfortunately. I tried to help a friend get it but she was turned down. It depends on the persons circumstances.x
I thought it was just have to be under retirement age. I was still working when my husband died, but I did have full national insurance contributions. It costs nothing but a phone call to ask.
Debbie
Thank you all so much guys for your wonderful words and help. I and one of my husband´s daughters (from a previous relationship) went to see the funeral director today and we made the initial planning for his cremation. Tomorrow I will make arrangements to go and have his death registered. And then I guess I´ll take it from there. Thank you all again so much xxx
On the financial side it will definitely be worth contacting the private pension companies to make sure that he nominated you as the beneficiary, they will not be able to provide any amounts as some pensions cease when the person passes away, while others pay a lump sum and a percentage of what your husband receives monthly,they can all differ depending on the type of contribution. I say this now because it can take weeks if not months for these issues to be resolved even without complications.
I do hope that my comment doesn’t come across as being insensitive because I do know the pain of loss having lost my wife and I really do feel for you. I am simply passing on my experience from a few months ago having had to deal with three private pensions and other investments. I’m pleased to say that everything was resolved with very little trouble.
Take care and stay as strong as you can,day by day or even one hour at a time and please lean on anyone that offers help and support.