just existing

I lost my husband just over 4 months ago after 42 years of marriage. I have no family and all alone. I have lovely friends but they have their own families and lives to lead.
I am so so lonely. I have been out today in the sunshine and haven’t spoken to anyone. I could sit in the park as I haven’t got a garden as I live in a flat but still wouldn’t talk to anyone. I have never been a loner and really really hate this life. I know its early days but just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just don’t know if I can do this way of life. I am so very lonely even when I am with friends I go home to an empty flat. I am 67 years old and was such a happy person when Mike was alive but now I hate my life. I have been to new clubs but everyone seems to be so much older and most people have families.
I just hope one day I will get over this lonely feeling but wonder whether I will ever not feel so lonely. Does anyone out there feel like me?

2 Likes

Sue…
…yes I feel all alone, well I am alone and I really do not like it…I have family but daughter and grandson are back in Hertfordshire, but no communication, I shan’t go into details on this forum…

We are similar in age, I was 68…20 days before Richard passed away…

Yes the loneliness is horrible to cope with…from the minute we get up, knowing we have to get through another day, then go to bed only to do it all over again the next day…I have given up the amounts of cups of tea I have drunk, my kettle is always on, then its another MS bladder emptying…

I too am hating this life as it is now…cant even see it ever changing, even the thought of even if it did change and things started to look brighter, whats the point, I dont want to be starting my final chapter, I want the middle chapter that I have been living for the past 20 years…

Yes i too always believed in laughter as our best medicine but I dont seem to be doing much of that at the moment…

Jackie…

Evening Jackie,
Sunny day today but I don’t feel sunny.
Have spent all day alone and will spend all evening alone. I hate this lonely life.
Have you been in contact with your doctor as I am sure he would be able to get people to visit you especially as you have MS.
What a shame so many people on this web site live so far away. If we lived nearer we could all meet and chat. Mind you I do find this web site is so comforting to be able to write your feelings down especially in the low times. Knowing there are people out there really helps ah!
Have or thry to have a good evening, but know what its like Jackie. Love Suex

Sue…
…it is through my local doctor surgery that the " community angels " cover, well it has now been two months and although one male came round to visit me, he took all details that I want to go to their church, well I have heard nothing, I did phone to remind him, must have been three or so weeks ago only to be told he hasnt forgotten me, it is the same old story, I am living too way off their grid for anyone to venture out this far to come to collect me…

I am to be collected by another volunteer car driver and taken in the opposite direction near to where he and his other driving helper lives to a church in a neighbouring village…only problem is these grouped churches dont have any loos, I suffer terrible MS bladder functioning problems…

Jackie…

Hi Sue

I am sorry you are so sad today. I have been with my daughter - retail therapy again - but have still been so upset for a lot of it despite having her company and something to do. Have tried to hold it together for her as I don’t want to upset her - she is upset enough already. I even bought myself a new pair of sunglasses to hide my eyes.
I do not understand why some days are so much worse than others. Waiting for her I sent a text to Gary’s phone telling him how much I miss him. Daft -and if the children look at my phone they will be convinced I have lost the plot. Seem to have cried over everything today - it is so hard to think of the future without him. I try to stop thinking but that does not always work and it certainly hasn’t today. I am sorry I try to be so positive but today it has been too hard to do.

Sending hugs to you - I know you need one tonight.

Trisha xx

Trisha…
…our crying just comes out from nowhere, doesn’t it? it doesn’t take much to trigger it off again…

Evening Jackie,
Just can’t believe that you live that far out nobody can come and get you.
Do you have salvation army near you? they are very good, look on line.
Surely you have a social service dept in your nearest hospital to help you.
Just cant believe it. All this money they waste in this country and here you are needing help.
take care and let me know if you get your help you need,Love Suex

Evening Trisha
Thank you for your message. I have been a bit low today sounds like you have had your moments too, Hope you spent lots of money today!
I think it is so lovely sending a text to Gary. Bet he got it!
Big cuddle to you from me Trisha take good care Love Suex

Woke up areound 4.am this morning, couldnt get back to sleep so up and about back on the computer and its not even 5.am yet…I am feeling negative, I know I should be feeling more positive as I am to be taken to a church later but it is a prayer session, rather than communion…
I have been thinking about when I need to take a shower, I am in this parkhome all by myself, even changing bed covers, Richard would have given me a hand, do I change his, or leave his bed as it is, I often sit or lay myself over it just crying, talking to him, whilst moving my hands over his pillows as if his head is still on them, I am wanting t keep his bed just as it is…
I should be feeling sprightly this morning but I am fearing that I might not be able to get to a church each and every week, as I am relying on the only two senior men who cover transport runs from my far out location into the neighbouring villages…I maybe worrying over nothing…

Jackie…

I can cope with the paying of utility bills, and our park-homes ground rent and charges, I cant cope with our-my park-home maintenance, if light bulbs go, if a power-cut, Richard dealt with the fuse box, if smoke alarm or carbon-oxide alarm ceiling batteries get low and start t beep beep, i cant get up on chair, my MS body will not allow me, all these things are worrying me, they will happen of course at some time…Even our-my parkhome manager and his o site helper has been mowing my grass but two days ago he mowed it and left the grass there causing it to cover my decking and some grass has gone between the decking grooves, it is quite deep underneath where baby rabbits have also gotten under the decking…All these things my Richard would have dealt with even though they caused him to get out of breath at times…Then he would take any gardening waste to the tip by car, I have it in two trugs in the shed…All these things I just took for granted having a man always around looking after the home…I can only do what my body allows me to do before it gets messed up…
This is a lonely life now, an empty home, no Richard routine…no voices, no movements…just emptiness from morning till night-time, day in day out…this is it now…no one to talk to, to laugh with, the daily routine between us has ended…This things, the places Richard would go to, the twice a wee supermarket shop, Richards dog walking, Richard getting ready to go to his COPD exercise group which incidentally he did enjoy the company of one or two regular elderly members…I am even missing my nagging of him although i promise that if he will come back I will change, become a better person and will not nag him over insufficient and meaningless things anymore…nothing was that important anyway…I just want the life back in my now empty home just like it used to be ten or so years ago…Richard and our three fur babies…I came down stairs to three happy to see me dogs, plenty of hugs and kisses and waggy tails…

Whatever happened to that life, where did it go, why was Richard taken, he thought he would live as long as his mother, his only older by nine years sister is still here, why not Richard, at 74 he never saw himself as old, old man as I used to wind him up, only because he is-was 5-6 years older than me…
This life has now become so empty, so quiet, too quiet for my liking, yes quiet can be good, peace and quiet can be good but we all need conversation and I know I am still needing laughter, although very little to laugh about at this present time in my life…

Jackie…

Sheila…
…similar here, this would e the time of year Richard would be bringing home trays of flowers from the garden centre, he would be potting up containers and hanging baskets if we was still back home…He brought a couple of plant pots to our parkhome which all apart from too pots are springing back into life…I have placed them where I can see them when sitting in the living room looking out through the glass doors…We were not allowed hanging baskets here in the parkhome, it just breaks my heart when I look at the photos of how our garden looked back home, potted containers and hanging baskets to the front, back and to the sides…Richard really took enjoyment in potting up his containers…

Sheila…yes stay where your happiest memories are…your Peter will remain with you in his forever happy home…

Sheila, please stop being " bank of grandma…"

Jackie…

My partner died 15 weeks ago and I’m struggling to get through the day’s without her, i have no one to support me or visit me, my so called friends abandoned me after the funeral, my family are up north and don’t really have much to do with them, i miss her so much, i have to go out of the house, i miss her company, laughs, singing, cooking, her straight talking, hugs, kisses, cuddles, we were together for 10 years and now I have nothing left, i can’t see my life without her I don’t want to either, im devastated and heartbroken

I lost my partner 6 weeks ago and like you I’m heartbroken. I have returned to work and having a different focus has helped me. Could you perhaps do some volunteer g work sorry I don’t know your age or circumstances but it could be a way of meeting people. I do feel your pain I was with my partner 26 years and he was like the other half of me. I’m hoping what they say about time is a great healer as it is really difficult and I sympathise with you. I have just had a good cry as I have just looked through some recent photos and I still cannot believe he has gone. But I do usually feel a bit better after a cry. I hope your days become easier to get through. This site has proved to be a godsend to me and I really hope it helps you too. There is always someone to comfort you in your time of need. Take care

Hi Shazza
Good to read your message and so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner.
Its good that you have gone back to work as being with people helps ah!
I have tried to get voluntree work but hardly anything out there. I will try again at a later date.
Glad a cry helps you. I don’t think a day has gone by when I haven’t had a tear at one time or another.
Had more bad news Thursday, it just keeps coming. I want some good news for a change. I have so many problems. I have my house on the market, selling a car,
I have IBS with the stress it is cronick. I lost over 2 stone and feel weak, dont sleep.
But thanks to this web site it keeps me going as I feel I am not totally alone. I have no one no family so getting these messages from lovely people really helps me.
Take good care and thank you again xx

Yes so much, don’t want to go anywhere without James but feel so lonely

Yes " just existing…" not long woken up, put the kettle on as usual, unlocked both front and back doors, just in case anyone decides To pop in to see me, well not in this small parkhome community, its each to their own here…Just had my first cry of the day when I went into Richards now empty bedroom to pull up the blind, I do love the view of the garden, the flowers, the butterflies just outside, I always look for the birds but dont see so much here as back home…and stated talking to Richard about here I am, " another day to get through without you in my life…" I am never going to see you ever again…" continuing with…" we are not even going to be re-united with I go…" because I have given his sister age (83) back in Bedfordshire ( 140 - 150 miles away ) the authority of having Richards ashes shipped home to be with his parents and brother…I just want to be with him now when my time is up…even that is never going to happen…
Oh yes, this has become a very lonely existence now without my Richard in m life…still hard to register that i will never see him again, 20 years we had been a couple, it was just him an me, devoted to the end…

Jackie…

1 Like

Hi Shazza
Sorry to hear your sad news and how low you are feeling. I know exactly how you are feeling as I feel the same. I lost my husband 21 weeks ago and still feel low and missing him so very much. Like you I have no family at all but friends who have been good but I still feel very lonely. Cant see a light at the end of the tunnel just exist and hope that things get better over time.
Keep messaging as I feel it helps me and hope it helps you.
Take care Sue

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