Plodding my way through another day of tedious jobs that have needed doing for a while, hating every minute.
Defrosted the freezer, the door wouldn’t close easily it was so iced up.
Emptied the airing cupboard because the plumber is coming to service the hot water tank.
Wrote to the local council again because my council tax bill is wrong.
Had a telephone medication review for my daughter’s meds.
Sorted some of his stuff in order to fill up the recycle bin before it is collected.
Cancelled an appointment for my daughter because I can’t lift her wheelchair into the boot. I will have to make arrangements to get her there eventually but I am just not up to it yet.
All painful because most of them are things he would have done.
All mind-numbingly boring because I didn’t allow my mind to dwell on the food we bought together, the papers that he had written on.
The fact that he isn’t here any more.
And I know that it’s just the start of the list of jobs that are now mine.
I am just so sick of my new life, and I have only had it 10 weeks. I hope it gets better soon, or at least I hope I get used to it. Xx
@Willow112 , sympathising with you today, sometimes it doesn’t matter what you’ve got to do, the incentive is not there and the emotions are going to be present anyway, other days the “chores” can keep the emotions at bay for a while, not today!, had a good friend, one of the understanding ones, come over for a visit, so bit of washing up and hoovering to make the place respectable, however, the emotions are near the surface, particularly today, why I don’t really know, ended up offloading a bit more than I meant to, I guess , like most on here, you need to talk, explain, bounce things off a good listener to try and sort your own mind, needless to say it tends to involve a few tears, he leaves and once more left to my own sad thoughts and more tears, so far not so good, can’t even make a cup of tea as the water has been turned off! heading into 5 months, still so much sadness, sorrow and disbelief, its going to be a long, long journey but to where? might go and mow the grass.
Take care and push on.
I don’t know what it is about today. A lot of us seem to be having a bad time. I am usually able to distract myself by keeping busy, or at least just concentrating on getting through the next hour. But not today, the future keeps intruding and it looks quite bleak. Not wanting to sound pathetic but I haven’t got many options to ‘make a new life’. Caring responsibilities prevent me from accessing evening or weekend activities. Everything has to be done between 10.30 and 3.30, Monday - Friday, including shopping, appointments and housework and gardening. That doesn’t leave much time for a social life, holidays and day trips are out of the question.
Sorry, I’m a miserable bugger tonight. Xx
It’s ok to be miserable @Willow112 -we have a lot to be miserable about.
Sorry you’ve been having a rubbish day - some days just seem to be like that don’t they - like you I try distract myself by keeping busy but everything just seemed to make it worse today.
Let’s hope we all get some peaceful rest tonight and that tomorrow is a better day
Sending some hugs to all xx
It has been a difficult one. I had to do several jobs that were usually his, the plumber came and I didn’t know where the stopcock or the meter are. I signed the probate application, (no more pretending this isn’t real). Just stuff like that, I felt inadequate and alone. My son has been a real support since my husband died, but twice I asked for help since the weekend and he was busy. I am sure it was genuine, but it made me realise that this is my future, I can’t keep leaning on him, it’s not fair. The realisation that from now on it is me that will have to do everything as well as looking after my daughter is scary. I have come to the conclusion that my husband would have managed better than I can. He would have done everything better than I can. All the practical stuff around the house, the sadmin, the financial and computing jobs would have been easy to him. He was less sociable than me. I came from a very big extended family and was used to big family parties, holidays with 26 of us playing rounders on the beach, Christmas dinners for 10. He had a very different life and was content with just us. So I am sure the lonely life that I find painful would not trouble him so much. I find time hangs heavy, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I think he would be doing his spreadsheets with his headphones on listening to music.
Everything seems so bloody pointless today. Xx
I’m sure there are lots of things that you do that he would have found so hard.
But I often know my husband would have coped better with the practicalities, but the emotional stuff he would have really struggled with.
You are doing a great job Willow - I don’t know if anyone ever tells you that but you are.
I can read in your posts that you love and care for your daughter so much, and you are getting on with things as they come up. We can’t know everything at the moment - but we are learning day by day and soon you will know where things are and how to fix things or get someone in.
I know some days are hideous - but you’re not going to give up when you do still have those that love you and need you. And I don’t think that’s in your nature.
Be kind to yourself - dont expect too much - Rome wasn’t built in a day so they say !!
Just get though today and hopefully tomorrow will bring a kinder day for you.
Try sleep well - sending a virtual hug and some hope to you xx
Thanks Roni, yesterday was just one of those days. Drowning in a sea of problems and sadness, it seems that quite a few of us had a difficult one.
Hopefully today will be better for everyone. Xx
I had a day of 2 halves yesterday. Work was busy and absorbing and it felt good to immerse myself for 4 hours in other people’s problems. Then I met someone I used to know who hadn’t heard about my husband and we both ended up in tears. After that I struggled all evening with my emotions feeling a complete mess and fretting about the future. I think we are all ‘feeling inadequate and alone’ @Willow112 . All we can do is our best but it’s really hard and nearly 5 months on - it still seems so raw.
Morning I am also struggling today the tears dont stop the what ifs, Gra would have handled it so much better than me. He was like yours Willow a bit of a loner. But he had a strong personality and would have forged through this. Like yourself i dont have a social life due to agrophobia, but Willow you have to be so proud of yourself the way you tend to your daughters needs. I hope for us all there is light at the end of this very long tunnel. Hugs everyone xxx
I gave myself a much-needed kick up the arse this morning. Went supermarket shopping, bought some stamps, (outrageous price)! So now I can get on with more sadmin. Went and picked up a book from the library. Yet another one about grief, maybe I should have borrowed 50 Shades, I seem to be the only person in the world that hasn’t read it, and I don’t intend to.
Just doing that has helped my feeling of inadequacy. Driving again after 16 years is a bit scary, but I did it. I did have 3 refresher lessons before I felt confident enough to try.
Wishing everyone a better day than yesterday.
Xx
Good for you @Willow112
I also got up, walked the dog, dragged my daughter to the gym and am now looking at my husbands tax return.
Then am getting a haircut - need to order some food shopping and tonight I am getting the sleeper train to London with my daughter so we can go on to Cardiff tomorrow for a concert.
I know when I get back I’ll feel awful but I know I’ve got to try.
As long as we don’t stop trying then I think we are doing as well as we can do.
Just don’t give up hope willow. Even through the really shitty days when we wonder how we can keep going xx
I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter. You never know, perhaps you will feel okay when you come home.
We all have to keep rolling with the punches, one day we will look back and see how far we’ve come. I hope it comes soon for everyone here.
Xx
So do I willow why are some days harder than others today as been an awful day so far. 
xxxx
Youre so right we do heve tonl keep rolling with the punches but so hard some days even 19 months in …but dont forget the more we loved - the harder we grieve ! We will get there … eventually… just gotta chill out really havent we and keep being really kind to ourselves xx