This my first post never been on a forum before so here it goes. My mum died suddenly 4 weeks ago, she’d been diagnosed with a severe UTI a few weeks before and had been feeling sick and very tired. My stepdad was helping her out of bed and he went to put his slippers on and when he went back to my mum she’d gone, he did CPR on her and when the paramedics arrived they told him she’d gone, I don’t know why but I haven’t properly cried yet, i didn’t cry when I got the phone call, I didn’t cry when I went back to the UK for all the arrangements I didn’t cry at the funeral or the scattering of the ashes. I am heartbroken 
My mum was my only friend and when I moved abroad and left her the guilt I felt was something I cannot put into words I don’t think there is one. The first 2 weeks before the funeral is a blur as I had to take mums stuff to charity shop, sort out closing bank accounts ect and clean the house from top to bottom and make sure my stepdad was okay before I went back home but now I just feel empty inside, I’ve had a tiny sob ( like 30 sec ) then stop myself, I’m just absolutely gutted that I wasn’t there for my mum as when they gave us the cause of death it was a complete shock, a perforated gallbladder , could I have got mum another doctor’s appointment? Could I have done something more ? I’ll never know, all know is that my mum has gone and taken my heart with her and I don’t know what to do.
@Claretbabe so so sorry to read this. Its not suprising you havent cried properly & that its a blur because youve barely had chance to breathe, let alone cry & attempt to process this. All the speting, arranging clearing, its all prcatical stuff that we somehow “do” which gives us very little chance to be upset. Have you any support at all? Our mums are mainly our number 1 but just wanted to know if there is anyone around that you can hug & just allow yourself to start crying. Some people prefer crying alone, i found i can be like a stone then release with certain people howver hard it is x
I think I’m better crying alone to be honest, just knowing that you have read my post and replied makes me feel that someone out there cares, I just keep remembering how hard my mum fought every illness that was thrown at her and she never ever gave up untill now so I suppose I should take a leaf out of mums book cause I know she wouldn’t want to see me like this.
@Claretbabe im new to the site too & my post wasnt noticed at first, so i didnt want you to feel ignored because thats not the case. People genuinely want to be an ear (eye) for your thoughts & feelings because all of us share losing that one (or two) people that we can’t believe have gone.
If crying alone is your way then go with it, equally if not, go with that. Whislt just getting on with stuff can seem like its the way, remember your mum would want you to do this properly, that doesnt mean falling apart or not grieving but moving with this in a way that you can deal with it.
When you next have a little cry alone, just think im out here saying let it out, & cry it out because you are allowed to, youve done so much in such a short space of time, you need sometime for how you feel here & now, just not what you think you need to do move forward …big hugs x
@Ribena99
Thank you so much for your reply and kind words, it has been a lot of help finding this site and actually letting the feeling out and yes my mum wouldn’t want to see me like this,
Sending hugs to you x
@Claretbabe I am so sorry. You have been through every super quickly I am not surprised you are feeling like this. You have done amazingly and in the beginning you are in shock and adrenaline keeps you going somewhat. It is after everything is done, after the Doing Stuff stage is ending, and everything going quieter, that you start to feel more and feel safe to process your feelings.
My mum passed away in April and I am still somewhat in shock, scattering her ashes abroad in a few weeks. I think that final stage will be anxiety riddled but also help.
So please take each day as you can, your mum would have wanted that and she for sure understood you have your own life, you loved her and you have made her soproud in how you have helped your stepdad lately.
Look out for signs, she may come to you, be open to it, big hug your way x