My partner Sue transitioned on the 25th of March 2022. The last few months haven’t been easy. Her ashes came home yesterday. This has added an extra dimension to my grief. I know that her passing is real, but this has really made me so aware of the finality of her passing.
Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these emotions or how you found the experience of your loved one’s ashes returning home?
Dear PhilA,
I could not wait to get my loved one’s ashes back home. That is where he has always been, next to me on our bed. I purchased a teardrop-shaped urn that is very tactile and placed it on his pillow, next to his photo.
I talk to both and stroke the urn as if I was gently stroking his head and getting him off to sleep.
It may only be ashes, but it is still him to me.
I find great comfort in this.
Love and best wishes,
Sonia xx
Hi @PhilA.
My lovely husband’s ashes being returned home to me was, I think, one of the saddest days of my life - much as I wanted them.
As you say, it just makes it all so real.
I wept buckets that day.
I put the box, still in it’s hessian bag, on his chair and it’s largely stayed there ever since.(about 3.5 months).
I have found great comfort in having them with me in time, even though I know it is essentially a box of dust/human remains.
As @SSTC22 says, it is still him - or as much of him that I can have under the circumstances.
I still haven’t decided what to do with them though I have put some ashes in a mini urn which I have been known to take away with me if I’m away from home for any reason, and I did once put it in my pocket while I went shopping.
I’m fully aware that makes me barking mad but, frankly, I don’t care.
I get comfort from feeling the very tactile urn in my pocket and it’s the nearest I’ll ever get to holding his hand.
I talk to my box of ashes too and turn it round to face the garden so he “can watch the birds feed”.
Grief ,surely, entitles us to go a bit/lot barmy, but we all do whatever we can to navigate this sad part of life as best we can.
I’ve got my husband ashes here at home. He’s in pride place with his picture next to him and bottle of port, his favorite tipple. I did crush me when I got them back, but now I talk to him. Weird feeling that’s he’s in there though. It’s our wish to be scattered together. So he stays here till I die
I couldn’t even bear the thought of my husband being reduced to nothing but a pile of ashes.
They phoned me one day after his funeral to collect his ashes and I couldn’t do it. Imy daughter collected them and kept them in her house until I was strong enough to have them here at home. I keep them in his wardrobe and in 4 years I have only found the strength to look at them twice. I loved him so much andI can’t accept that all I have left of 30 years with him is a box of ashes.It seems so sureal. I keep his favourite shirts and his jewellery on top of the box . I can’t bear to see the date of his death om the box.
I miss him so very much. Memories are no consolation because I will never make any more with him. I admire those who can display an urn containing the ashes of their loved one. I just want to wait t until my ashes can be buried with him and then I will be happy.
@Deefano1 @SSTC22 @Angiejo2 @Wingingit @PhilA My darling gorgeous Sharon passed in May. I still can’t process that this is real but I have her ashes in a handmade Cretan pot, with her rings hanging around it; she sits above her photo and I put fresh roses (her favourite) by her every day. When I go, our ashes will be mixed and scattered from the castle where we knew we’d both fallen in love.
I had my partners ashes in the house for a couple of hours only because the day before she passed she asked me to take her home .There at my daughters now till I can come to terms with it
I’ve kept John’s ashes with me in the almost 20 months since he died. They’re currently sitting on my bookcase on the shelf below a vase of imitation flowes that represent my wedding boquet and next to our wedding photo.
On the day the his ashes were delivered back to me I had no idea what to feel. I was at least glad that he was coming home, but I get what you mean about the finality thing, PhilA.
In a moment of slightly black humour I suppose, when the man from the funeral directors solemnly handed the box with John’s ashes over I nearly dropped him! John was a big man, but for some reason, I really wasn’t expecting his ashes to be as heavy as they are. John would have found that hilarious - he’d think it in keeping with me accidentally throwing his ring across the registry office when we got married!
Because of Covid we couldn’t have the funeral or wake that Vic deserved. A maximum of six all sitting apart wasn’t what anyone wanted. Remember seeing the Queen sitting alone at Philip’s funeral? So I decided on a simple cremation. His ashes were returned to me just a few days later. I was still numb with shock and disbelief. I couldn’t even take the casket from the bag they were in. That’s how it stayed for fifteen months. Eventually we started to have more normality in our lives regarding travel and I was able to plan my trip to Greece to take Vic’s ashes back to where we had lived for many years. Only then did I force myself to take out the casket and really look at it. It was beautiful, like a miniature coffin. I flew with my son and met many of our friends on our old island home. Together we took Vic on his final journey out to sea. We played his favourite music and we raised a glass or two. Now he is swimming forever with the dolphins and one day I shall join him there.
Hi yes I have my wife’s ashes at home with me since November last year,she is laying on the settee where she always tv from.I find it very comforting to have her here and to talk to.I cannot think of parting with her anytime soon.She belongs in this home we shared. Michael x