Just lost my Dad

Losing a parent
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My Dad passed yesterday and I’m struggling.
We didn’t have the best relationship in fact no one has, i think his childhood messed him up.
I am full of regret, was annoyed most of the time visiting him in the nursing home, he just wasn’t nice towards carers and myself, but i stuck with it for 3 years but felt nothing for him.
The last 10 days he went downhill, was in so much pain and alone, i made an excuse not to go up a few days ago, i went yesterday and as soon as i walked in i saw how much he had deteriorated, though always bounces back, the doctor had seen him that morning and had antibiotics prescribed and a strong pain killer patch.
I got there at 1pm we spoke a few words and then 50 minutes later he took his last breathe, i am so upset, i didn’t get to say i do love you Dad, because regardless of it being difficult i did love him hes my Dad, i just didn’t like the way he was.
I am feeling so many emotions that i never expected, i thought when he passed it would be a relief but i now feel so disgusted by myself that i didn’t care.
He was basically alone for 3 years as none of his other children visited or wanted to, i was the only one to visit most weeks apart from my own illnesses and things.
I’m so struggling with this, i cried so many hours and keep playing over and over in my head him passing as it was so quick, i didn’t get to say things and i think he passed knowing no one cared which is horrible.

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Hello @Sarah260,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.

You might also want to look at Losing a parent.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Hi,
Your post really resonates with me. I lost my dad almost a year ago. He died on 22nd October.

In my early years we had a wonderful relationship, in fact I would say I was a daddy’s girl. He then tainted our relationship by having an affair, which ultimately lead to the breakdown in my parents marriage and I blamed him for that. That blame, unfortunately, never left and I battled with loving and hating him for the rest of his life.

He had a stroke about 12 years before he died and became a very different person, someone I could no longer relate to and easily converse with. Much like you, although I still loved him, the dislike and blame took over as he was no longer able to win me over with his wit and interest in my life. He became someone I no longer knew.

We argued, in fact, I just ranted at him, the night before he died. He didn’t argue with me. He sat and listened while I essentially told him his house was no longer fit for him to live in and I feel like I broke his heart.

In the years before he died I didn’t ring him regularly enough. I made excuses not to see him when I was visiting my mother, who lived just 20 minutes from him. I let the latter portion of our relationship overshadow the amazing father he was and I deeply regret this. I have forgiven him now. I don’t blame him for what happened, but only in the last few months have I done so.

I understand your regret. I wish I had been more like you and visited my dad more often. I was lucky. He was difficult to talk to because we no longer recognised each other emotionally, but he remained kind.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you come to terms with your regret. I hope I do too.

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Have no regrets. All is forgiven and forgotten. They know you loved them in your own way.

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