Just lost my Mum

Good morning Seychelles,
You are very welcome. Having someone listen here is like sitting with a friend chatting things over. We may not be in person but this is just as valuable. I’m pleased that working through the details is helpful. It starts the process of grieving I suppose, going from absolute shock to trying to grasp what has happened and looking at the events leading up to the inevitable. You have had a horrendous time of it but through it all you have always been there for your mam and she knew that because she thanked you. You couldn’t have done more. I understand the guilt. I feel guilty for being me , for not being quiet and soft like my sisters accuse me of. But I was the one for years who went over every other day to help with whatever needed doing. When I couldn’t do it all myself my sisters decided my parents would be better in an assisted living place with 24 7 care instead of helping me share the load. Mam became more ill after the move and was in and out of hospital all the time with unstable angina. She didn’t know she had cancer of the gall bladder and it had spread when they found it. She would go to bed instead of phoning the ambulance straight away and by the time she called them the pain had moved so they never located the gall bladder as being the source of the pain. It was so quick (about 4 or 5 days) and it’s all very foggy because I wasn’t allowed in the hospital because of covid until the last couple of days where the whole family slept on chairs in her room.
You are lucky that the undertaker was a friend and you didn’t have to deal with that. My sister’s partner sorted all the things that needed doing. I didn’t do any of it. All I could do was cry in the garden. It’s all a blur. I can’t even remember when the funeral service was without checking my diary. So I’m not much help there in knowing what to do. Will your sisters help with the arrangements? Brace yourself for the squabbles and family rifts. I could never understand how families become divided at a time when they should be supporting one another. I know this week will be full of getting things organised and you will be swept along in a sea of everyone wanting to do things their way. Just remember you were the one who cared for your mam and she knew that and thanked you for it. Accept any help that is offered and don’t try to do it all yourself. You will probably go into robotic mode until it’s all sorted. If you need to see a friendly face just pop in here. It’s amazing what a little kindness and understanding can do when you are feeling swamped. I found the hardest part was after all the organising has been done and the service is over. There is a sense of ‘nothing’. It’s not even waiting for something to happen. You are just left in a void of nothing.
I created a tribute site for my mam, muchloved.com, where you can post pics and detail her life. I keep adding to mine with updates every Birthday, Mothers Day etc. so she knows she is still with me. It started as an online venue for the relatives who couldn’t travel down for the service. I took pics from the old slide photos from when my parents met and throughout my childhood. It was heartbreaking to do. I saw mam as a young woman in love with dad and wish I could have known her then. As children we don’t see our parents as individual people. They are just mam and dad. I have to force myself to look at it because I find it incredibly upsetting seeing mam smiling at me in all the photos. She loved her life and her children, and hen grand children. She celebrated life and we were all swept along with her happiness. There is no family without her now. My dad and sister stopped speaking to me and my sister has now moved away. So I grieve for mam alone which makes it even more painful because I can’t share happy memories of her with anyone. Nobody wanted to see how broken I was after mam left. I am so lost without her. And in floods of tears again! I’m always on the brink of tears. And when I’m not crying I wonder why. But it is a little reprieve until the next downpour.
Good luck Seychelles. I’ll be thinking of you. It is a daunting situation but you will get through it and will keep going through the exhaustion. You will do it all for your mam like she knows you will. Do her proud!
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Oh Christine you write all the right things. Thank you so much. My sister lives 5 hrs away and also my brother lives about 7 hrs away so both will only turn up for the funeral I guess. I have planned everything and written it down so I can just hand the info to the vicar, undertaker and whoever else is involved. That way it saves me a little in the sense of not starting from scratch with everything when i meet them. It helps me so much writing everything down and i am so lucky i found this group. Even reading other peoples posts and not replying has helped me so much. The group makes me feel I am not alone. I have never gone to any counselling in my life and I know I would find it hard to sit and talk to someone. I prefer this group because unlike having a face to face appointment I can just vent my feelings any time of the day or night. This is the first time I have plucked up the courage to use any on line sites so it’s again all new to me but I have already felt better after doing so. Just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied and even just read my posts.
I just keep going over and over in my head should I have phoned 999 that night when she was being sick. Should I have waited until the morning? Would mum still be here? Could we have sorted it with laxatives at home? I am so torn with it all.
I keep getting text messages from people asking when is the funeral . I have told them I will let them know once I have a date but I still get messages from the same people. What is wrong with people? I am hoping everything will go ok on the day but as you say family members at funerals can be difficult. I know I will not be strong enough to handle them so on the day I am keeping a low profile just getting through whatever has to be done. My mum requested an old fashioned welsh afternoon tea set up for after the funeral so thats what I am organising with welsh cakes etc daffodils on the table with small welsh items from her home to decorate the table. She would have loved that. I am planning the funeral for the first week in Feb as my son is away until then and he was even closer to my mum than I was and she said she wanted him there. People are going to be aghast when they are told the date as its a long time away . I am really bracing myself for that. I have had far related cousins phoning me and being really difficult so I dont answer my phone anymore as things they say are upsetting. My son took over speaking to them and as he gave just the basic info to them they have backed off a little but it has already been a difficult few days since mum left us. She would have rolled her eyes if I could only have told her and said ignore them and would have got up put the kettle on and made a cuppa before saying You are not still thinking about them are You? She always knew the right thing to say or do in every situation She was just perfect ! I am trying to remember how she would react to situations like that and try not to let me allow anything to drag me down. She would deal with things instantly and it was then over and done with. I used to go to her with some big problem that had just festered in me for maybe days and tell her in minute detail everything and get really worked up telling her only for her to roll her eyes and say just ignore them She never gave much airspace to nonsense and it usually ended up with her getting up and making a cuppa. It used to make me feel silly for just getting into a state over nothing and that was the end of it. She always used to say Is it going to kill you? If not forget it. Such a wonderful way to look at things. I am going to look at that tribute site and see what its all about. Thanks for telling me all about it.
I have found lots of photos of my mum when she was younger and she was stunning. Just so pretty and dressed so fashionable even though I know she had very little money. Her mum died on childbirth and her dad died when she was 1yrs old from TB so it was her grandparents who brought her up and I found loads of photos of them also. Very emotional trip down memory even though I had seen them many times before.
Like you I am always crying. Even now writing this. The grief is overwhelming and I can’t stop the tears. Even when I get the slightest minute when i stop something suddenly triggers me and I start all over again. Not wanting to get out of bed is the main thing. I feel I have nothing to get up for . I have my husband and i am sure that upsets him when i say that I don’t mean to hurt him but its just the way I feel at the mo. My son left to go on tour with his work yesterday and I was in floods when he was leaving. He is 28 for Gods sake and took a month off work to help me with mum so i knew he had to go back to work bless him. It was just another person leaving me and i fell apart.
Anyway a million thank you’s to you Christine xxxx God bless you xxx

I had promised my mum she would get to pass at home, but because she stopped eating for 2 days. The GP came out and said , do you realise did you continue like this you are going to die? She didn’t want to go to hospital , she asked me what I thought and the GP said, no it has to be your decision, there were 2 carers there at the time, agreeing with him. I stood on the landing and I was looking at her and mouthing no, I knew in my heart if she went to hospital , she would not return home, due to her lack of hearing etc the GP then decided to ring an ambulance. So her wishes and mine were overruled. It took a lot of effort to navigate my mum down the narrow stairs in a trolley sand lo and behold, she still refused food, if she didn’t want to eat what I made for her, there was no way she would eat there. The day she passed, I finally got to speak with the nurse in charge and having made me wait for 20 minutes whilst they dealt with stationery, I was told that they were withdrawing all treatment as she was refusing to eat or keep an oxygen mask on, so I asked if she could come back home and I was told the doctors were having a meeting in the morning and they will decide. She died that evening at 10.45, so for all that mither, she lasted just 6 days in a ward, when she could/should have been granted her wish, to be at home. That amongst my spiteful sister. I know she will not allow me my mums ashes, apparently no one legally has the right to them, most likely be given to my father, who didn’t give a monkeys about her, only himself . So unfair

Hi Seychelles,
Your mam sounds amazing to be so level headed and dismissive of silliness and demanding people who should know better than to harrass you about dates and details when they know you will be having so much to sort out. I’m surprised your bro / sis donlt want to be involved in any of the planning. If they were it would be lending support and sharing the load. But it could be the reverse of that with fighting and wanting their own way. So doing it yourself, just how your mam would have wanted it (lovely touch with the ornaments on the tables) could be a blessing. You can turn off your phone, concentrate on what is required (I have no clue and I’m sure it’s a complicated thing to organise), make your lists and tock things off as you go. Have a break. Gather your thoughts. Your mam is with you, guiding you as you start to panic. We all hear our mams voice telling us what to do when we really need it. She hasn’t gone. She’s still with you. And she would be so proud at what you have already achieved. There is something in all of us that drives us forward, whether we want to or not. You have plenty of time to do what is needed. And choosing Feb for the service isn’t that far off. You are doing what your mam wanted. It was her wish. Nobody else can tell you otherwise. They aren’t organising it. They have no say in what you do or don’t do. Don’t let them upset you. And when you have the thoughts of what you shoulda/ coulda/ woulda done differently it is a natural reaction to try to fix things, to make things better, for your mam to be here. But you did all you could do given what was happening at the time. So recognise those thoughts for what they are. What has already happened cannot be changed. My therapist is always saying this to me because I torture myself with everything I shoulda/ woulda/ coulda done. We all do it. I’m amazed at how clearly I can see what is happening to others and yet I can’t do the same for myself. It’s grief. It’s the most powerful emotion we undertake in loving someone. And our mams are the most precious thing to us. I’m so pleased you have a son who supports and loves you, and your mam. Imagine trying to get through this with nobody at all in your corner. I always try to balance the bad with some good, to even myself out.
Try to not think about how the future will be, the funeral, the people there and how they will behave. I am truly amazed that I was able to go to both the church service and the crem afterwards (couldn’t go to the wake) because of my agoraphobia and panic. I was barely able to stand up and walk. My sister had to prop me up. But I had to go for mam. I remember her telling me that she didn’t expect me to go when the time came and that that was ok because she knew how hard it would be for me. But I couldn’t not. I had a panic attack trying to get inside the church (it was tiny and I’m claustrophobic) and I ran away and hid round the side of the church. I eventually managed to sit on the steps outside with the door open. Mam would have accepted that and been over the moon that I’d got there because she knew what courage it took to even try. And I wore my chocolate ballgown for the day because I wore that on the last xmas day. I think everyone was embarrassed that I couldn’t contain myself. I couldn’t understand why I was the only one sobbing for her.
There’s a saying I like to keep with me - ‘don’t borrow worry’. Concentrate on the now and everything else will be dealt with when it is needed. And remember that all you can do is your very best. And I know that is exactly what you are doing. For your mam and for you. If you wanted to do a slide show with your lovely pics of your mam you could ask the church / venue if they would offer that as a service. I created photo albums from mam’s birth, her childhood, meeting dad, then having us kids and then mam as a grandma. She is so loved. I can’t imagine being as loved as she is. I’m crying for her again. It was so hard looking at all the photos but what I did was choose the ones I wanted to use, take photographs of them all on my camera, transfer to the laptop and create a folder so I could send it to the company who did the slide show. We had music she loved playing throughout. It is so incredibly sad that she isn’t here to see what I did for her. The tribute site is a replica of everything I did. My sister took the albums with her and I’ve not seen them since. But I can see mam anytime I want to. I find it really hard seeing her smiling at me. She was beautiful when she was young, a really great dancer and she made her own clothes, including her wedding dress. I saved that for her. My sister wanted to sell it because it’s vintage. Some people can only see pound signs. I see a life lived, to be cherished and loved even if she isn’t actually here.
Keep going and pop back here at any time. I have my therapy tomorrow afternoon but I’m sure I’ll be here in the morn and in the evening. Will try to go for a swim though when I’m there it really is going through the motions, avoiding eye contact incase I start crying and trying to pretend I’m ok and it’s just a ‘normal’ day. I look at the oldies and wonder if they know I have joined their club, if they can see my sadness. I don’t care if I cry. I’ve stopped caring what other people think. The only thing that matters to me is my mam.
Be thinking of you. Hope you are able to rest even if you don’t sleep. Mam used to say it all counts, your body is still resting. Just think nice things. You’ll drift away without even knowing and then wake up with a thudding heart and wonder if it’s true. And of course, it is.
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Hi Janebee,
It is good to get the details of everything out, and keep getting them out of yourself so that you can be released from the trauma they create. I know how hard that is. My therapist tells me I am torturing myself by trying to perfect the past, to wish I had done things differently and that I have to let go of what I cannot change. We all do it. The details we agonise over are real and we cannot accept them. Because we cannot accept what has happened. Feeling guilty at not having done more or to have changed what happened is all part of this horrific journey. You will become overwhelmed and tormented by it but eventually find some relief. Grief is relentless and shows no mercy. But getting the details out immerses us in this journey and we are able to gradually move along. I cannot imagine ever being ‘normal’ again. There will always be something missing. I feel incomplete without my mam to talk to. I don’t know who I am without her. But I have to accept that she is with me always. I hear her voice, know what she would say to me, see her smile and sit in silence with her because there is nothing to be said. I have found the details surrounding mam’s passing and the services have faded a little, but then are as vivid as if they are just happening now, like you describe. It is truly heartbreaking to read your story. Every one of us has our version of events. I can’t bear to write mine down at the mo. I’m too upset again. But I do wish I could visit mam again at the chapel of rest. She was a different version of herself but she was still mam. My lovely mam.
I am still waiting for a little bit of mams ashes so she can rest in the shrine and be with me forever. But my dad won’t let her go. Her wish was to be scattered in her parents grave. And he won’t do it. Over a year now. The family is broken without her.
I hope you find posting helps you to get the angst out so you can be with your mam and remember precious things. Do you have a happy place you can visit in your memories? I find it incredibly sad when I do but it also gives some comfort. I hope you can think of your mam and feel her love. My therapist tells me to let go of the details and see the whole relationship over the lifetime. That is what matters now.
Keep posting so you can work through your emotions. It’s all we can do.
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Thank you again Christine for saying all the things I wanted to hear. Today was a mega bad day for me Just cried all day.and done nothing all day. Yesterday I managed to do a few jobs around the house but today I feel in such an angry crying mood. I had a phone call from my brother and he was lovely so I am glad I managed to speak to him. We are not a close family as we all moved away from home years and years ago. His phone call tonight though did make me feel better. No phone call from the registrar today so hopefully I will have one tom so I can start moving forward. I am going to stay at my mums house tom for a few days so I can be nearer when the undertaker and vicar call etc. I think i need to be up there even for a change of scenery but I know it will be emotional. I may do a tiny bit of sorting draws etc. I am going to try to keep as many things as possible and anything left I will do a table top sale for the History Society in the village where she grew up and will be buried at It will give me something to do and focus on in the months ahead and will be for a good cause. They had an exhibition of old photos last summer and mum and i went and she spotted herseIf in some photos. I think you are amazing in taking the small steps that you do. I don’t want to go out anywhere. Cant bear the thought of bumping into anyone and them asking questions like did i have a nice xmas . One of the district nurses on leaving the day before mum passed wished her a happy new year Can you honestly imagine Don’t they have any training ?
I feel as though I have a ton of bricks inside me with my heart feeling so heavy. Just walking from a to b is a struggle. I honestly don’t want to wake up. I am 65 and I feel I am never going to get over or indeed through this and i don’t even want to. I am trying so hard to think what would my mum have done or told me . Whenever she said anything like If I am here this time next year I used to get upset and had to stop the conversation saying mum I will deal with that when the time comes and that was it we never carried on talking about it. Well here I am now well and truly !!!
Did you ever go to see a medium? I am not sure whether to go to one if I can find a good one. I feel desperate at the moment to know if they can tell me anything. Thank you once again for your support

Hi Seychelles,
You will have days where you just want to hide from the world and the sadness drowns you and you cannot fight it. Crying all day until you have no tears left is normal. I wondered why I couldn’t cry. I’d used them all up. To be angry is also very natural. Why wouldn’t you be angry at what has happened? Shock, disbelief, pretending to yourself that it’s not real, feeling you’re going to have a heart attack because you’re heart id thudding so hard with the pain that it is real is all part of this awful journey. I still regret waking up every day. I can’t bear that she is not here. I can’t understand (even though I do understand) why it has happened. I really could not imagine my mam not living forever. The thought she might not be here one day was something I just couldn’t imagine. Mam didn’t have a chat about how it would be but every time they travelled up north to visit my sister, or went on holiday, she said the same thing to me - ‘the paperwork is under my pillow’ . She wanted everything to be in order when her time came and it was. But I didn’t want to hear her talking about it and so I, like you, stopped the conversation. She wanted to be with her parents but I think she was afraid of leaving us all. It feels like I had no preparation. She didn’t tell me how unbearable this would be. But if she’d tried I wouldn’t have been able to have that chat.
I’m really pleased your brother phoned and you had a good chat. Accept the closeness because it will help and be of some comfort to you. It won’t fix anything or change how you feel. But to know that he is grieving too, to have loved your mam too, means you aren’t on your own in this.
I think going to your mams house will be extremely upsetting, revisiting what happened and having it all around you and not just in your head. But I think to immerse yourself in grief and tackle it head on will be the most natural process, rather than pretending it’s not happening or avoiding it. If you find you cannot do anything other than sit and cry when you are there that is ok. It’s a positive step forward. You might need to try a few times before you can actually sort anything out. I love that your mam was in some of the exhibition photos. Keeping precious things now will make it easier after everything is done and you are left sitting, needing anything that was meaningful to her. I wear mams velvet trousers for bed so she is close to me.
Going to try a swim after therapy tomorrow but when I do it’s like being a zombie, totally disengaged in what I am doing and having no connection to the people around me. But to not do it is to do nothing at all. It makes the day go faster. Small steps, filling in time, going through the motions. It all counts as something.
I cannot imagine anything more cruel than grief. It takes everything we have and there is no hiding from it. What you describe is what every person here has felt. I have to keep going because I can’t leave my little cat Porscha behind. She’s old and wobbly and would never survive if I didn’t wake up in the morning. One day at a time. Let the future take care of itself for now. Just feel what you are feeling now and know that it will pass. It always does. It never lasts forever. But it will be back again to torment you so take relief where you can.
I read somewhere here about visiting a medium but can’t remember where it was now. You could try the search bit (top right magnifying glass icon) or contact the community team for info. I’m always quite sceptical but I know some people get real comfort. My therapist has clients who are mediums and have told him things that are true when they couldn’t have possibly known about intimate details. I do believe in a spiritual world beyond this. My grandma visited me when I was 11 because I was so devastated when she passed. She told me to not worry about her and I was able to stop sobbing every night. She hovered above my sleeping sister like an angel. She was dressed in white and must have been glowing for me to have seen her in the dark. I keep wanting and waiting for mam to call on me but she hasn’t. But I do chat to my little robin each day and look for white feathers. Haven’t had any for a little while but then I haven’t been out in the garden. Keep an open mind. You will feel her with you. Maybe’s she will be with you when you go to her house. x
Keep posting x
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Hi Christine
Just found this lovely poem

For all who have lost loved ones along lifes way… This is one of my favorite poems by Helen.

When I must leave you
for a little while
Please do not grieve
and shed wild tears
and hug your sorrow
to you through the years

Start out bravely
with a gallant smile
and for my sake
and in my name,
live on and do
all things the same

Feed not your loneliness
on empty days,
but fill each waking hour
in useful ways

Reach out your hand
in comfort and cheer,
and I in turn
will comfort you
and hold you near

Never, never
be afraid to die,
For I am waiting
for you in the sky

BY, Helen Steiner Rice

In floods of tears! Just beautiful and so true. Thank you for posting it. I do try to keep going and do stuff but it’s so hard not to ‘feed’ my loneliness and sorrow when it really takes hold.
Did you get to your mams house? Hope you find some comfort in being surrounded by her things.
I was very upset earlier when I found out my sister had moved her furniture at the weekend into the new house and nobody told me. But having spoken to my niece and facetimed (for the first time ever!) I feel much better because I’ll meet up when she gets back from visiting her boyfriend in a few weeks. My dad and sister (her mam) stopped speaking to me after mam (haven’t been told why) and I’ve been excluded from the family. But hope to start swimming and going to the park and woods with my niece and nephew. It has been very upsetting for me after mam. I feel so drained now I might have to lie down. The stress is exhausting.
Hope all goes well with the planning and if you don’t get your phone calls I would chase them just so you aren’t left hanging around waiting. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you have no control.
Each morning when I wake mam is the first thing, and only thing, I think about and this morning was especially upsetting. I just want to talk to her, to have her come back to me, to feel close to her again. Nothing can prepare us for the hole that is left behind.
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Christine 51

Hi,
Yes I went to my Mam’s house but it was a brief visit. Met the undertaker there so it was so so upsetting. Had an upsetting phone call from a friend of my mums asking some intrusive questions that upset me so much. I can’t even bring myself to say what because it would upset everyone. Then I arranged the tea after the funeral and can only have 50 so i texted everyone and personally invited who i wanted eg those who were family members that Mam saw often or at least came to see her, her church friends and her older friends, my own family and my sisters and brothers. Well I had one far cousin who decided to invite herself and long lost family members and her own personal friends so I had to text her to say only she had been invited and not anyone else. It really upset me that people can be so intrusive. Anyway i had loads of texts back saying it was the only way she could come if they came as she doesn’t drive etc but I wasn’t having any of it. I don’t know where I had the strength from to be honest. I said ok no worries best if you don’t come at all then. Anyway she has until next Tues to decide if she wants a place at the tea afterwards and if I don’t hear from her she is off my list. I can only have 50 and at £20 a head I am not paying for as I said people to come out of the woodwork that never came to see my mum and for friends of people my mum didn’t know. Just such a cheek !!!
Have a read of the lyrics of Lewis Capaldi’s new song called Pointless. Sums up a lot of my feelings at the moment

Pointless"

I bring her coffee in the morning
She brings me inner peace
I take her out to fancy restaurants
She takes the sadness out of me
I make her cards on her birthday
She makes me a better man
I take her water when she’s thirsty
She takes me as I am

I love it when her mind wanders
And she loves it when I stay at home
I know when she’s lost and she knows when I feel alone

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you

I light the fire when it’s cold out
And she lights up the room
I hope that she’ll love me forever
She hopes I’ll be back soon
I take her out to the movies
She takes away my pain
She is the start of everything
And I’ll be there till the end

I love when she laughs for no reason
And her love’s the reason I’m here
She knows when I’m hurt and I know when she’s feeling scared

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you

I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you
You’ll wait for me too
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you
You’ll wait for me too

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you
Everything is pointless without you

Hi there Christine. I sympathise with you totally with regards to the problems with your sister, but mine took it to another level, my two nieces have been so brainwashed by my sister, that they stopped seeing their gran, even though the eldest was brought up by my mam , my sister was intensely jealous of the bond they had, so she destroyed it .

Hi Seychelles,
Yes, sums up all the love we have ever known and the little things in life that are everything. Without that love we are nothing, we feel nothing, we are pointless. Kindness is everything. Thank you so much for posting it. In tears again but I do so love poetry and verse that sum up how we feel, the everyday gestures that make us smile inside. I’m sure we must all feel like life is pointless without our loved ones. I still get a fright when I wake up and realise it’s really true. I’m sure my whole life will start with that everyday. Just can’t accept it. I feel so empty without her here.
Very well done for standing your ground and being firm with those who just want a free lunch and some drama. I really can’t understand why people behave the way they do, especially at times like this when sensitivity and empathy are called for. You will look back and realise you’ve done yourself and your mam proud. People think they can take advantage when we are at our lowest, seeing it as a weakness to exploit. As soon as mam wasn’t here my family were relentless in telling me I needed to overcome my agoraphobia and panic. I was absolutely broken and just kept sobbing for mam. They don’t like it because I wont be pushed around and told what to do (I’m 52! and have lived independently for years). Don’t understand why my grieving calls for them all to fix me. They are far from perfect themselves. It was a group thing against me. Bullying. And because I won’t be pushed around my dad and sister have disowned me. I just don’t understand it.
What you have achieved is huge and you can now go forward with whatever else needs doing. Anyone asking anything that upsets you should be told to shut up! Stand your ground. Be prepared for all the bad behaviour. I’m always so shocked when people do things and say things that are so inappropriate. Its only afterwards I wish I had been prepared with a comment in reply to stop them. I wonder why this happens. If you are armed with a reply you have your ‘armour’ on. Wish I’d done that.
You’ve proved to yourself that you are indeed strong when you need to be. Hold onto that and rest between it. There is a huge ‘task’ ahead of you and when it is complete you can look back and know that you did everything well, just how it should be done. You’ve achieved a huge amount since we last spoke. Going to your mams house was a massive thing in itself. Will you sort bits out gently, instead of doing it all in one huge go? Could make a list of things to do. But if you don’t need to rush then go slowly at a pace that won’t be so traumatic.
I couldn’t go to the wake after the church and crem services. I just couldn’t do it. Have you prepared a speech yet? I did some poetry for mam, inspired by my wonderful childhood. She was such a beautiful mam, the very best I could have wished for. Such a loving and gentle soul. That’s why I can’t let her go just yet, if ever. I wonder where she is. I remember at the church there were little paper angels hiding in the trees lining the pathway. The Sunday school children made them. They reminded me of when I was little making paper angels and snowflakes for the xmas tree. Have tears pouring down my face now! I just wish I could have thanked her for being my mam and for being her. She was just my mam. I hope she knows how much I love her.
What else is on your ‘to do’ list? Mam had arranged it all so there was very little to do. I couldn’t help at all. I sat in the garden crying the whole time. Have you picked a favourite outfit for your mam? And do you have yours sorted? If you can deal with each thing separately you won’t become overwhelmed. When everything is finished and you go home you may feel a sense of limbo, where you just don’t feel part of this world. Time ceases to be as it was. Having tasks ahead of you now means you are busy. But afterwards, having no purpose, is soul destroying. So strive now to do the best you can. You have already made a cracking start. Do you have the date yet? And is anyone helping you? Sharing the load makes it easier to bear and you will feel less overwhelmed. Accept whatever help is offered. I was asked to create the photo albums but they wouldn’t just let me get on with it. I did a very thorough job and was pleased with it, despite it being so upsetting. I had to keep taking a break. Nobody said I’d done a good job. I think I did, creating mams life from her being a little girl dancing with her sister to meeting dad, getting married, having the kids, holidays and celebrations, the everyday, bbq’s, the grand kids, mam with her friends. She enjoyed her life and made everyone around her shine because she shone. We’ve all fallen apart without her here to guide us.
I’d been wondering how you’d got on. I’ve been trying to stay busy with new artwork and swimming. Staying busy and setting goals makes the time go faster. It’s when I stop that I am consumed with sorrow again. It is still overwhelming over a year on. It’s mams birthday in a few days. I got her a pretty pop up card and will add it to the shrine. I’ll get her some flowers too. She will be 81. I wish she could be here to celebrate.
Keep going love. You’ll get there. Being organised is key in feeling like you are in control. And cry when you need to. Let it out. Acknowledge what you have already achieved to keep you going. Let me know how you get on.
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Aww Christine I am not coping at all. Very depressed at the mo . Am crying at everything including your lovely words You always have time to write in detail to everyone. I don’t know how you do it. Haven’t washed dressed or done anything for 2 days except sulk around the place getting by with endless cups of tea. I have had 2 days of people poking their noses in when they are very far relatives which makes me mad. I know they are trying to press my buttons so I haven’t spoken to them on the phone just by text which is easier. My Mam would have hated me to argue over anything as I can’t ever remember her falling out with anyone. I am trying so hard to keep the peace if you know what I mean. People can be so hurtful and intrusive.
Managed to speak to the vicars who are going to be at the church funeral and am meeting them next Friday at mams house which is 35 miles away from me. I have a meeting with her bank next wed to sort everything out so that will be hard. I have organised the date ( Feb 6th) booked the Church and Crem, arranged who will be bearers, ordered the flowers and booked the hotel for the tea afterwards. I also wrote the piece for the local paper but am dreading seeing it in there Don’t think I will look. Also organised flowers for the church as there is apparently a small group of ladies to go through for that Its the church politics i think lol. Yesterday was awful with the texts from 2 people and in fact I had to block one because she really said hurtful things like asking me what do they do to mum mams body until Feb. I was a crying mess. Even though I thought I handled it ok yesterday I have suffered even more today She wasn’t even a family member just a friend of my mams but one that my mam always said was controlling to her. My mam was so sweet and gentle and quiet and I think this person was always jealous of me always being with my mum and doing things for her because my mam said she was very sarcastic to her at times.Anyway that’s the end of that person now. If she turns up at the funeral so be it but she will not be joining us afterwards as I have said the tea is a private family affair.
I am going to play that song as the last song to listen to at the crem. It sums up everything my son feels as he was so close to my mum and did all those things like taking her to the cinema, restaurants taking her coffee in bed and water when she was thirsty. He is also a cameraman on tour at the moment with Lewis Capaldi so it’s even more appropriate.
The grief has been pretty bad the past few days with me. The heaviness in my heart is like carrying a ton of bricks inside me and I can’t stop aching for her to come back. The reality kicks in and i realise she will never come back and i don’t know how to live without her.
She owns her own house so i shall empty it in my own time over the next year I have to go through probate so that’s another thing to do. Thankfully my friend has just been through it so she will help me and go with me .
I wish I could say I can make goals like you. I can just about get out of bed to the bathroom . I am only doing things that i really have to do. My husband is amazing but is also grieving as he was so close to my mum. He has made food etc for me otherwise I wouldn’t eat. Just want to lay on the bed and do nothing.
Tomorrow I am going to try to finalise the songs I want played. It’s going to be a tough one but next Fri the vicars will want to know the order of service so i don’t want them choosing songs etc I have to be braver tom than i am today and get a bit sorted here. I just want to sleep to knock me out of this misery. That’s probably my target for tom.
Nothing is going to relieve my grief . Nothing at all. I don’t even want it to.
I also have lost my confidence in going out I start shaking when i know i have to go out and it’s petrifying me . I just want to stay in my house where i feel safe. Am scared of bumping into people and them asking me hows your mam? I have thought about quick things to say to make my getaway but it’s so hard. My Mam loved life an didn’t want to die just like everyone’s mums on here and i feel I wish I could have done something to save her. I will always wish what if but right now it’s haunting me. I really wish I hadn’t called the ambulance that night.
I have had a white feather almost every day by my back door since she passed so I know she is sending me a sign bless her. As much as i love the feathers and believe in them like she did I don’t want feathers I just want her back. I am crying so much typing this.
Am off to try to sleep for an hour or so now. Thank you Christine for listening to me and for such lovely comforting words. Deborah x

Hi Janebee
I was replying to you on Sunday evening and got locked out of my keyboard. Just got back onto it now after having uploaded Windows 11. In such a panic about it but its all ok now, thank goodness!
I totally get what you say about the jealousy and wanting to destroy the bond. I hope your mam could see through it all and understand what was happening and the reasons why. I don’t understand why life is so complicated and full of drama for some people. I just want a quiet life but won’t be walked all over and will defend myself which seems to make matters worse. All we can do is accept that what has happened in the past cannot be changed. I’ve tried to understand it so many times and it doesn’t make sense. My therapist says to concentrate on the lifetime of love we shared together. We cannot change what has been done. Your sister will have to live with her actions. I know how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that you can see how damaging it has been. But for your own sanity you need to let it go and remember your mam as she was with you and the lovely times you shared together. I return to many happy places and times in my head when I think of mam. Time allows us to move through grief, experience the pain and devastation which is necessary if we are to come to some sort of resolution, a way of moving forward in the everyday. I am more than a year in and it is still as hard waking up and not having mam here as it was when she first left. It doesn’t go away. But she’s starting to come back to me again in small ways, feeling what she would say and seeing her smile without bursting into tears. Remember your good times together and who your mam was before the upset. That’s what I have to do.
Lots of love xxx

2 Likes

Hi Deborah,
I have been out of action for 2 days as my computer keyboard froze and I couldn’t access the site. It’s ok now, thank goodness (upgraded to windows 11). I was in a real panic as my whole life is on my laptop, including shopping for food as I can’t go out to shop.
You have achieved a huge list of things and have organised big things too for next week. Well done. It’s a monumental task. You can rest now and turn your phone off. So what if you don’t get dressed etc. Anyone who needs to leave a message for you will do and you can get back to those who are important. And those who are making a nuisance of themselves and upsetting you just ignore them. They should know better. They only thing that matters is that you keep drinking, try to eat a little something every now and again to keep you going because you have things still to do, sleep when you can and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. I still have days where I can’t function, can’t get out of bed or open the curtains. Can’t stop crying. Everything that is happening now is natural and you will cry until there are no more tears to cry. We are designed to preserve ourselves, so there will be a reprieve, however brief, between the downpours. I think of grief as a stormy sea with crashing waves of despair where you are drowning in the sorrow, and then comes a moment of calm where you are so exhausted all you can do is nothing at all. You may wonder why there are no tears. They will come again. I felt guilty every time I couldn’t cry at the beginning. And the guilt at what you could have / should have done will haunt you forever but you must know that what you did at that time with what you knew then was the very best you could have done. My therapist tells me grief is hard enough without torturing myself with trying to perfect the past because what has gone before cannot be changed. We have to focus on the lifetime of love, the relationship we had, which can never be changed. I still have the same thoughts and am so exhausted with knowing I cannot change anything or bring mam back, that I have come to some sort of acceptance that this is how life is now, empty without my lovey mam. The way you describe your mam is very much like mine, so loving and gentle. I would do anything to have her back (crying again). I would still gladly swap places with her so she can enjoy living her life a bit more, however brief, because I simply can’t bear this life without her.
Will you be visiting your mam at the chapel of rest? I found it really shocking (because she looked so different), incredibly upsetting (each 2 hour visit was spent sobbing for her) and comforting (because I could spend time with her still). Some people prefer to have already said goodbye but I wanted as much time with mam as I possibly could before I wasn’t able to ever again. She was like a different version of herself. I can still imagine myself there in the room with her and at other times it is faded, less vivid. But it is still with me and I’m glad I was given extra time before she finally left for good.
What flowers will you have? Mam loved her garden and dad chose summer flowers in pastels to go on her casket for the services. Whatever you choose will be special. She wanted everyone to contribute to cancer research so we had a collection envelope for those who wanted to do that and the muchloved.com site also has an online donation. We found out that mams cancer of the gall bladder is often diagnosed very late because the pain can be mistaken for so many other things. We were all so shocked, including mam. Too upsetting to talk about it.
I’m so pleased that you are finding little white feathers too. I have a little robin who always comes to the window to wish me a good morning when I get up, whatever time of day it is. It’s a comfort to know she will never leave me, however upsetting it is to not have her here with me. Take comfort in those little things.
The song you have chosen is very beautiful. We had a few songs to go with mams tribute photo album at the crem and the one that reminds me of my childhood is Mama Cass - ‘Dream a Little Dream’. I can’t even think about that song without bursting into tears, never mind hearing it being played, because I imagine being little again, playing in the sunshine, making camps under the table, and we all lived forever. This pain is like nothing I could have ever imagined. It is a torture.
I’m so pleased you have your husband son to comfort and love you, even if he is away at the moment (sounds very glam!) We are all so blessed to have known love, to be loved and to love. Some people go through life never having known love. I wonder if they carry that emptiness that we now feel. I wonder if never knowing love makes life more bearable. I still can’t understand why my dad disowned me because I was destroyed when mam left. He couldn’t bear to see or hear me. I had to sit in the garden. Pain is the price we bear for loving. I feel so empty without her. I’ve started reading ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ but I can’t get past the first page because all I imagine is mam and that I couldn’t stop her leaving. I just can’t accept it.
Sorry, I still find everything incredibly upsetting. Everything reminds me of mam not being here, of our life together that it is no more. I want to go back to being a little child again where life was full of fun things and filled with love. And she would last forever. Time doesn’t take away the pain. We learn to live beside it, around it. It never goes away, but sometimes the pain is more bearable and we are able to function a little better. I can’t distinguish when I felt a little better. You may have a very long way to go yet before those days start to appear. But then I’ve been dealing with my grief totally alone because my family abandoned me, because I was so broken. I hope you find strength in having your loving family around you.
Just keep going Deborah. It is a process that can’t be rushed. Whatever you feel is natural. It is different for all of us. Don’t pretend that you are fine just because other people don’t want to see you grieving, or can’t handle it. That is their problem. Whatever you manage to achieve is brilliant! I’m amazed that we can keep going at all when our world has ended. And remember, if you run out of strength and cannot make a decision the people around you will help you when you need help. Let them help. You have already achieved such a huge amount. And keep posting here. I’ll always be here (as long as I have a keyboard that works!) It’s a pleasure to be able to give something back when this site was a lifeline for me because I had nobody to turn to. Let me know how you get on, even if it is just to have a cry!
Lots of love xxx

1 Like

Hi Christine
Awe thank you once again for replying and thinking of me. Your words are simply beautiful and you are helping me so much. The past day or two have been terrible.I just haven’t coped at all and that’s all I have kept saying is that I want to join mam. I am trying to explain to my family that I just don’t want to carry on without my mam. It upsets them but I know now they truly understand the depth of my grief.
I am trying so hard but I am an absolute mess in every way.My heat is so heavy it feels like I am carrying a ton of bricks. Every breath I take feels like I am going to be sick and just moving from a to b is like a mammoth task.
Since posting last I have managed to do a few more things. I met with the solicitor and bank. Sorted all of that.Today I met with 2 vicars and the undertaker so have finalised the service,bearers,flowers and cars.
Am staying at my mam’s house at the moment and I have felt much better all day as I can feel her all around me.Had a bit of a wobbler an hour ago when suddenly I had flashbacks and cried and cried like a baby.That upset my hubby as again I said I wanted to go with mam.I am going to stay here until next Tuesday and tidy up the house etc and just rest.
My mam was 89 and I am trying to imagine what she would say to me to help me cope.I honestly don’t know.Whenever she mentioned anything like if I am here this time year I would get upset and just tell her I woul cope when the time came and we just stopped talking about it.
OMG I can’t believe what just happened as I was typing this.My husband came upstairs with a cuppa and was really upset about what I had said earlier and when he went back down the bulb in the light on the landing went.This is the 6th issue we have had with bulbs since mam passed.i know it is her coming through to me.
I feel so much better after this.
Have you ever had signs from your mum?
Thank you for everything you are doing to help me Christine.You will never know how much I appreciate you.
Deborah x

Hi Deborah,
I haven’t posted for about a week as I’ve been really exhausted. Just think trying to keep going after xmas has taken it’s toll. I’m just so tired and sleeping a lot. Just have to ride it out until I recover. It’s like banking sleep so I can be ‘normal’ again with enough energy to function.
I’m amazed at how much you’ve achieved in a short space of time. You’ve done amazing. I’m so glad you are able to express your depth of grief with your family and they support you. I had none of that. I wasn’t allowed to grieve, show any kind of emotion in front of my dad but my sister was allowed to. Don’t understand it. It’s cruel. But time has allowed me to work through the emotions, as you are doing now, to be consumed in them. It’s natural. Your hubbie will be upset to see you in such despair but he must understand why you feel like that. Wanting to be with your mam is the most natural thing in the world. I don’t understand my sister not being upset and telling me she is free now. It was mams 81 st birthday on Thursday so I got her some pretty flowers and a pop up card to celebrate. Will post pics in my shrine post (have loads to catch up on). But it just makes me feel incredibly sad that she isn’t here. I’m starting to get upset again. I couldn’t even post to her tribute site but I will try today. It just reminds me she isn’t here and I still can’t accept that. Blowing light bulbs are a sign for sure and I have my little robin for comfort every time I’m in the kitchen being being. Sure it’s mam. She’s always there, waiting for me, even if there are plenty of seeds already out. It’s a very strange feeling to feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Have you researched anything on signs? There’s a time after passing before moving onto the next realm where our mams watch over us. That will be why you feel comfort with her all around you in her house. I’m so pleased you have the luxury to be able to sit in that space and feel her with you. Dad wanted rid of all mams things and I had to rummage through charity shop bags to find things to remind me of her, her velvet trousers and jumpers.
Keep going Deborah. I do know what it means to have someone be kind to you because I desperately needed that when I started posting here after my family treated me appallingly. It was extra upsetting because I know how upset mam would be to see them like that with me. They will have to face their own demons in time.
Have so much now to catch up on in the shrine. It will be like having a natter over a cuppa, albeit online. Even after writing this short reply to you it feels like I need to sleep again. Grief takes it’s toll and there’s only so much you can do to fight against it. So rest when you need to and eat little to keep you going. What would we do without our cups of tea? x
Lots of love xxx

1 Like