It has been 6 months for me since I lost my soulmate. We were together for 17 yrs, although the last four years was as a long distance couple due to my work with a 6month on/off arrangement. He was Thai and we had moved to his home together when i had been made redundant from my former employer.
We were both adopted children from a young age and that was one of the foundations for our relationship and also we had both lost our adoptive and natural parents many years ago, resulting in us both being adult orphans, for wants of a better analogy.
He passed away quite suddenly in Thailand, whilst I was with him, with just his also adopted much younger brother as the only ‘family’ member in tow. I was responsible for his DNR signature and also the cremation arrangements to a Buddhist standard, which is another story in itself, but is a contributing factor to my present state of mind with what was involved which is something a westerner is completely unprepared for.
I am so so lost as to what to do. I feel as though the whole centre of my body has been ripped away and I am just a carcass that is just existing as a bad temper to anyone that crosses my path.
At present I am on an enforced leave from my work as I am to moody and snappy to my co-workers as to be productive to the company.
Right now I am shut up at home playing our favourite music at full volume, with two fingers up to the world and I really dont care
I am in so much pain with a broken heart, i cant sleep until I am physically exhausted and then only for a couple of hours at a time
I am just so so sad and so full of rage at the same time.
Some of the problem I think is that I dont have an ‘inner’ circle of family that I can cry or shout and rave at or just have a cuddle with, but just a few friends and co workers who form an ‘outer’ circle if you will that are not close enough for the Hugs and crying aspect.
But how do you battle something like this on your own, the waiting list for counselling is shockingly long
i am just f*****
And yesterday set me off majorly, as I had bought him a star, I first caught sight of the constellation last night whilst out on a 4am walk in the rain