Just lost

LGBTQ+
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It has been 6 months for me since I lost my soulmate. We were together for 17 yrs, although the last four years was as a long distance couple due to my work with a 6month on/off arrangement. He was Thai and we had moved to his home together when i had been made redundant from my former employer.

We were both adopted children from a young age and that was one of the foundations for our relationship and also we had both lost our adoptive and natural parents many years ago, resulting in us both being adult orphans, for wants of a better analogy.

He passed away quite suddenly in Thailand, whilst I was with him, with just his also adopted much younger brother as the only ‘family’ member in tow. I was responsible for his DNR signature and also the cremation arrangements to a Buddhist standard, which is another story in itself, but is a contributing factor to my present state of mind with what was involved which is something a westerner is completely unprepared for.

I am so so lost as to what to do. I feel as though the whole centre of my body has been ripped away and I am just a carcass that is just existing as a bad temper to anyone that crosses my path.

At present I am on an enforced leave from my work as I am to moody and snappy to my co-workers as to be productive to the company.

Right now I am shut up at home playing our favourite music at full volume, with two fingers up to the world and I really dont care

I am in so much pain with a broken heart, i cant sleep until I am physically exhausted and then only for a couple of hours at a time

I am just so so sad and so full of rage at the same time.

Some of the problem I think is that I dont have an ‘inner’ circle of family that I can cry or shout and rave at or just have a cuddle with, but just a few friends and co workers who form an ‘outer’ circle if you will that are not close enough for the Hugs and crying aspect.

But how do you battle something like this on your own, the waiting list for counselling is shockingly long

i am just f*****

And yesterday set me off majorly, as I had bought him a star, I first caught sight of the constellation last night whilst out on a 4am walk in the rain

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Hello @Sean9770 ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing your pain and telling us how full of anger and sadness you feel. I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. The navigation through your grief in a different culture must have been so very difficult for you. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Alex

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I lost my partner of 17 years suddenly in May and understand your feelings. I’ve nothing helpful to say I suppose, except that I commiserate and feel for you so much.

I feel I spend all of my time when I’m not at work thinking about us, what we had and what I’ve lost. I achieved a promotion that I had hoped for, but never thought I’d get, shortly before I lost him, in a restructuring exercise at work. I often feel that losing him was karma for having got the job at the expense of the person who had had it before the restructure.

At work I feel distracted and that I have something to focus on, but I also feel short tempered and lacking in motivation. I often wonder why I want that job now. Who is it benefitting? I’m doing more and working longer hours, but I’m not benefitting us any more. It’s just additional stress and effort.

I hadn’t told anyone about us, despite being together so long. When I lost him I had to tell my family and colleagues about having spent 17 years of my life with someone who meant to much to me, but was unknown to them. It has made it so hard to talk about things and to process the feelings. Everyone has been fantastic - my parents, my colleagues, yet I feel so awkward since I never mentioned him. I never really talked about my personal life, and then suddenly had to.

I feel like I come home from work and distractions and then just think about us. I wake up and my first thought is him. I come home and see photos and walk into our empty house where we used to make memories and be happy. It’s achingly hard.

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Six months for me to tomorrow. No idea how it has been that amount of time. Feels like it was yesterday that I found him that morning. Also seems to be another world away. I feel that I’m a whole other person these days. Nothing like I was when he was alive.

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I am sorry for your loss.
I was not near my partner for his last month.
I was not informed his passing and funeral.
I have no extra friends to talk.

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So sorry to hear that. That is harsh. Thinking of you

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Thank you Sean