Apologies, I’m having a rough evening, and I just need to vent this out. It probably won’t make any sense, but it might just help me get some sleep tonight.
My Dad passed away 6 months ago. I’ve done little grieving since. I cried when it happened, when I got home, and realised I was alone. I cried when I saw him at the Chapel of rest, and I cried a little at the funeral.
I haven’t felt “right” since. I’ve kept myself together, although it’s felt like I’ve been on the verge of falling apart. I’ve coped. I’ve done the things I had to do. And I’ve kept stupidly busy. So busy I’ve burnt myself out… I think I’ve been running away from the grief. Tonight my sadness took me by surprise. It has hit me like a slap in the face.
When I cried those few times, the pain was unbearable. I heard people say it’s like your heart is being ripped out, they weren’t lying. It hurts so badly that I force myself to stop.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to control these emotions, maybe I should just find a field, shout, scream and cry at the top of my lungs. I don’t want these feelings of loss and sorrow anymore, but I feel like the only way out of it to to face it head on, and I just don’t think I’m brave enough to.
I’ve got my counceling session tomorrow, but for tonight, just writing this down and putting it out there has helped stop my mind running in circles over the same thing.