Am 10 weeks in of losing my mum, the grief is all consuming. Everyone has disappeared, my ‘friends’ have gone, even people i thought were close friends vanished without even texts or calls. If i take my mind off mum and put it out of my mind i can get through, but even the slight reminder brings me to my knees, not sleeping, struggling eating. The problem is i struggle to ask for help but i just dont know how to get through. I just feel so lost.
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Hi Debbie. Sorry to hear your loss. I am about 20 weeks in from losing mum. I would say around the 10 week period, I found it very hard. The only way I find myself being able to focus is by reading (I’ve read a lot of grief books, distracts your mind a lot when reading), or by keeping busy with work. Having something to focus on rather than the ‘grief’ (if you can) definitely helps. Sorry you are suffering, we are all going through a similar thing. Just keep going and hopefully a little ray of light will begin to shine soon. xxx
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Thank you, have read quite a few books, watched alot of rubbish tele…then all it takes is one trigger then i am in pieces again. Its so hard, everything i did revolved around mum and now i am just lost. Thank you for your reply, sometimes i think i am going mad x
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Yes, I know what it’s like. When you are distracted, it helps. But boom, as soon as a trigger comes along, it’s back to square one. If you want to private message me any time, please do so. We are all suffering with this terrible pain and lovely to chat. xxx
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My understanding is that grieving for the loss of someone you love can differ depending on whether it is a parent,child/brother/sister,husband or wife etc, but I think there are common traits between all of us who are on this hateful journey.
Like you there are times when I think that I’m going mad,it’s usually when my mind can’t accept that my wife isn’t here anymore or when I look at the sofa expecting to see her and in a flash it hits me that she’s gone. When it’s bad the crying can bend me over with the pain in my chest and I just can’t speak. It isn’t madness,it’s the absolute searing pain of suddenly not having that loved one there and the double hit of knowing they never will be. I genuinely know your pain even though it’s my wife and your mum.
The triggers are numbered in the thousands and for an unspecified period of time they will keep coming, how long for differs and none of us will be the same
For me I have accepted that nothing I do will stop the pain,I know it’s easy to say but somehow I am starting to accept the pain,the loss, rather than fight it. Today I haven’t cried,yesterday I did and the day before I did a lot.
Watching telly,reading a book,climbing mount Everest will delay it for a while but once the programe ends or you reach the top of Everest then guess what ? something you see or hear or think allows the pain back in. I think what I’m saying is that maybe it could help if you give yourself permission to feel this pain for as long as it needs to keep prodding you,we can’t run away from it because it’s right there in our hearts and minds and it just keeps finding us.
So ! you’re not going mad but you are on possibly the most painful journey that you may ever need to make. Let it in, cry, scream but remember that whatever you do it wont push it away until the day something will change in you. On that day you will have mum back and all those wonderful memories but just as with my wife she will be in a different form.
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@Debbie100 the loss of your Mum is a very hard grief to endure. I think you have to expect that it will take a long while to adjust. I’m nine months along the journey and I have had some difficult days and sorrowful phases. I try to keep going because I know that’s what my Mum would want. I do my best to remember everything she taught me over the years about perseverance and love. Keeping busy is a distraction but yes, triggers come out of nowhere and ambush you. Now I manage them with more ease as I know the time will move on. Sending you best wishes xx
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I lost my dad 2 days ago was so sudden the pain is so bad i dont no how i will ever feel happy again
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That rang so true, i know i am not ready to let go. I havent even been able to visit mums grave, am just not mentally prepared for that. My brother has adjusted so well, i know he misses mum but he has took a very spiritual view of ‘she is in a better place’, where all i see is her place is here with me and i cant get through that. The strange thing is i didnt think i could talk about it…and here i am talking about it…yes through tears…but talking. And realising that this is grief and not me going insane. Thank you
Am so sorry for your loss, no words will help, but cry and dont shut yourself off, thats what i did…its easier said than done. Be kind to yourself. One of the best books i read was ‘the irreverent grief guide’ by Elizabeth Kupferman, it helped…its raw…and very true.
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Thank you i really appreciate that. Didnt think i could talk about it, yet here i am talking about it…and realising i am not going mad. Thank you for your kindness x
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What a lovely post. And yes, from everything I’ve read online and in so many books, don’t push away the pain. You have to feel every part of it, and it truly sucks. It is so hard to bear, but you have to let it out. Cry, scream, whatever. It’s the only way forward. How long will it last? None of us will know, but I imagine for a very long time. The deeper the love, the harder the loss on us. Sometimes it is just unbearable isn’t it, looking at their empty chair? Gosh it breaks my heart seeing the emptiness there, or in fact, wherever you look when it hits you again. I often think to myself what mum would think if she could see me now, heartbroken… I know it would break her heart; which is why I am really trying my hardest to keep strong, to fight back the endless tears (if I possibly can) and be joyful that I had her in my life and that she loved me more than anything in the world. Gives me a reason to keep fighting this and honour her in every way I can. Just keep fighting on, one day at a time. That’s all we can do. xxxx
You are welcome, we’re all in the same boat (so to speak!) and keeping afloat hopefully! xxx
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