I am just so sad. I miss my lovely husband who used to make me laugh all the time and just wish he could answer when I talk to him, which I do all the time. I am sad as I know that nobody will ever love me as he did - nor will I ever love anyone like I did him. When I think of us together over the years - how we changed but I know he only ever saw me as when we first met. How wonderful that was.
I am much more emotional these days - I find myself crying over silly programmes on tv, articles in the news, - everything seems to make me well up.
I am so sad for the things we never did that we can no longer share. The holidays we had planned, the changes to the house, me cutting down my hours before retiring. Making plans about buying another house - not serious but fun to do.
I still want to share everything with him - just like I always did, from the new bathroom cleaner that works miracles, to the blooms on the new rose I bought in the summer. I want to tell him how it has just bloomed again and to go and take in its beautiful fragrance… I want to show him all the knobs and buttons on the new car as like most men he loved gadgets.
I want his approval for the things I have changed and I want to hear him say how proud he is of me,
The new drive is almost finished - hedge gone and new step and gravel. House looks so smart! I think he would like it
My new nails - we were always too busy and spent what time we could together - now I have time to fill so have some wonderful pink nails (well pink this week) that I know he would love - but an hour in a nail salon - not whilst I had him.
Our son’s success in writing music for a strage show - and the accolade he got for it - he would have been there with him - bursting with pride. And I am sad for my son that he did not get to share it with his dad.
A glimpse of my daughter on celebrity master chef when they were at her work location - he would have captured the still and put it on his facebook - so proud of how beautiful she looked. I am sad for her as she would have pretended to be embarrassed - but knowing how much he loved her.
I am so sad he never got the car of his dreams - he always wanted a jaguar - not sure why as he had not driven for years - forgive me darling but you were an awful driver. One passed me on the road the other night on the way home and I just sobbed. Such a silly thing to cry over - we would never have got one,
New recipes - new programmes - just everything I know he would have liked - no matter what makes us smile and I do smile and I do laugh too - but everything has that tinge of sadness because he should be sharing it.
I am convinced he is still with me and look for the odd things - the strange things - the out of the ordinary things - that makes me feel his presence is in the house. It may be quiet and at times feel empty but the warmth of his love for me and the children still remains. It is like a warm hug when you come back even though at first I thought I could not bear to stay here without him. Our house was always a warm welcoming place - and so it remains.
I am being brave and going to our holiday home with my son - and I know I will miss him so much - he loved that place so much,
I want so much to remain positive and I will do that for him - I don’t want him to be sad for me. And love means putting the other person first - so for him I will carry on and laugh, and make the best of things, and be proud of our children for both of us.
So much happiness - I was so lucky - but it ran out when we used up our share. Oh how I miss him .