Just Sad

Losing a partner
1

I am just so sad. I miss my lovely husband who used to make me laugh all the time and just wish he could answer when I talk to him, which I do all the time. I am sad as I know that nobody will ever love me as he did - nor will I ever love anyone like I did him. When I think of us together over the years - how we changed but I know he only ever saw me as when we first met. How wonderful that was.

I am much more emotional these days - I find myself crying over silly programmes on tv, articles in the news, - everything seems to make me well up.

I am so sad for the things we never did that we can no longer share. The holidays we had planned, the changes to the house, me cutting down my hours before retiring. Making plans about buying another house - not serious but fun to do.

I still want to share everything with him - just like I always did, from the new bathroom cleaner that works miracles, to the blooms on the new rose I bought in the summer. I want to tell him how it has just bloomed again and to go and take in its beautiful fragrance… I want to show him all the knobs and buttons on the new car as like most men he loved gadgets.

I want his approval for the things I have changed and I want to hear him say how proud he is of me,

The new drive is almost finished - hedge gone and new step and gravel. House looks so smart! I think he would like it

My new nails - we were always too busy and spent what time we could together - now I have time to fill so have some wonderful pink nails (well pink this week) that I know he would love - but an hour in a nail salon - not whilst I had him.

Our son’s success in writing music for a strage show - and the accolade he got for it - he would have been there with him - bursting with pride. And I am sad for my son that he did not get to share it with his dad.

A glimpse of my daughter on celebrity master chef when they were at her work location - he would have captured the still and put it on his facebook - so proud of how beautiful she looked. I am sad for her as she would have pretended to be embarrassed - but knowing how much he loved her.

I am so sad he never got the car of his dreams - he always wanted a jaguar - not sure why as he had not driven for years - forgive me darling but you were an awful driver. One passed me on the road the other night on the way home and I just sobbed. Such a silly thing to cry over - we would never have got one,

New recipes - new programmes - just everything I know he would have liked - no matter what makes us smile and I do smile and I do laugh too - but everything has that tinge of sadness because he should be sharing it.

I am convinced he is still with me and look for the odd things - the strange things - the out of the ordinary things - that makes me feel his presence is in the house. It may be quiet and at times feel empty but the warmth of his love for me and the children still remains. It is like a warm hug when you come back even though at first I thought I could not bear to stay here without him. Our house was always a warm welcoming place - and so it remains.

I am being brave and going to our holiday home with my son - and I know I will miss him so much - he loved that place so much,

I want so much to remain positive and I will do that for him - I don’t want him to be sad for me. And love means putting the other person first - so for him I will carry on and laugh, and make the best of things, and be proud of our children for both of us.

So much happiness - I was so lucky - but it ran out when we used up our share. Oh how I miss him .

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Hi Trisha, what wonderful words, you made me cry and say yes out loud as all the things you have said are true for all of us. It isnt fair what has happened, we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together until we were really old. I am in a new house as i moved to be nearer to my family who I need so much. It feels empty though and the fact that Martin never shared this place with me makes me feel sad, its just a house and everything that is in it is just stuff!! I have little interest in some of the programmes we used to watch together, i cannot laugh without him at the silly jokes etc. I see couples walking hand in hand and want that again so much…i just miss him so much. He was such a loving caring man and i only wish we would have been able to have children because i would still have a part of him to hold and kiss and see in them. He loved me so much and I loved him like nothing else on earth. You are right we were lucky to have such wonderful men in our lives, that is why this hurts so much…miss you my darling Martin forever and always xxx

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please excuse my spelling errors I tend to read what ive put after posting.
regards
ian

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A beautiful post Trisha from the heart
Thank you for sharing.
I like to think my life too , was filled with “love and laughter “
Take care Ang x

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I loved your post TriciaF. It said all the things that I am feeling but I never seem to be able to find the words. Like most bereaved wives or husbands , I too am trying to find a purpose for the rest of my life. I’ve made some changes to the house, I feel the need to plan and find something that I am in control of. I have come away with my three children, their husbands and wives, and of course the grandchildren but I feel lonely. Have been awake since 3am. We planned this holiday and now I am here on my own. How can you be in a room with all your family, all the laughter and yet be lonely?

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Hi Trisha, you have without a doubt spoken for pretty well all of us on here
I’m so sorry you have been feeling sad. You have been such a plucky person all through this ghastly journey. You are working so hard to continue somehow with your life and for that of your children they should be proud of their Mum.
Brian was always telling me how beautiful I was, it embarrassed me as of course I’m not beautiful, especially as I was usually covered in mud most of the time (with walking and working on the allotment) and hair all over the place. I told him how handsome and lovely he was. We see our loved ones as we want to see them. Certainly no one will call me beautiful again that’s for sure.
Emotions, they run riot. I don’t even need the TV to make me cry.
Of course they are with us if we look the proof is there. I talk to Brian all the time and today I even called him on his phone (disconnected now). I talked to him as I would have normally and told him I loved him and would be home to get tea soon.
Hope today has been a better day for you

Thinking of you

Pat xxx

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Hi Tricia. You put into words everthing that I am feeling, even 20 months on. Ian and I used to count the years until we retired but now I have no enthusiasm for the thought of retiring. I’ve had things done to our house but part of me feels sad that I’ve changed things and that the house doesn’t look like it did when Ian left it. There are so many things that I regret. When Ian became ill, I was responsible for a young child at the time and couldn’t give Ian the attention he deserved. I couldn’t visit him in hospital every day and feel so guilty about that now. I know I need to move on but I can’t get motivated. I go to work, walk my dog, watch tv, read and occasionally meet friends for coffee. I feel like I’m just filling in the time until it’s my turn to go. . I have a lovely family and know I’m so lucky in that respect. I see my daughter every weekend and have had family holidays. But I just want things to be like they were. Most of all, I wish Ian was here so I could say sorry to him for the things I didn’t do. I hate myself for sounding so whingy. Thank you for listening.

Teresa

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Hi Teresa I feel your sadness and pain. I am 18 months down the line and the days are just not the same without my Martin. You are not moving on thats not possible when you love someone so deeply as we all do, you are moving forward and it is really hard. I feel your pain about the things you regret…I too have regrets, things I should have said etc but I spent as much time as I could with Martin right up to the end and I hope he heard me singing to him, telling him I loved him etc. We all do the normal stuff, watch TV etc but I find its just not the same anymore. The stuff we watched together just isnt the same anymore without Martin. I have a great family who look after me and we do stuff together but without Martin its just so empty…we were always Bernie & Martin, we were a pair, we came together, that was how it was. I have a new home as I moved to be nearer to my family as I knew living near my inlaws was never going to be enough, they proved me right, I am not even going into how they have been, better off without them. My new home is lovely, nice stuff which I enjoyed choosing, it was a distraction at the time, but again without Martin its just stuff. I told my mum and dad that I would give it all up and live in a card board box to have Martin back, I know it upset them, but I was just being honest something I feel I have to be to get through each long lonely day! I have little windows of lightness but it soon returns to the emptiness I feel without Martin, I miss him so much. I wonder if I got ill would I care…I know Martin would want me to care as he cared for me when i had breast cancer, but it all seems so wrong being here without him. I wish I had asked him to record some stuff for me so I had it for after he had gone, but I felt at the time that would be too hard for him and selfish on my part when he was so sad about the situation and suffering like he did at the end. I only hope that when i do go that there is something else and he is waiting for me, I cannot wait to be in his arms again. Love to everyone on this hard road as only we who have lost someone, knows how tough this really is. xx

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Hi Berniea. Thank you for your reply. It’s good to speak to people who really understand. I’m sure people around me think that I’m ok but I’m not really. Ian was ill for a year but was apparently cured after an operation. He became really ill again within a couple of months but we were expecting him to come back home at the weekend. But we were told on the Wednesday that there was no hope and he died on the Saturday. I was with him all the time from then on but he didn’t have the strength to talk. I still can’t believe it’s happened and I wake up every day thinking that it’s all been a bad dream. We were both 58 when Ian died. I can’t bear the thought of living another possible 30 years without him. This time of the year is especially bad as it’s dark so early. I draw the curtains at 5.30 and that’s it for the evening. I wish I could think of the happy times but mostly I think of the last year when he was ill. Like you I have moments of light when I feel quite cheerful and positive. But any little thing can trigger off the tears. It’s little comfort but at least we were lucky to have had them in our lives. Take care every one

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Hi Teresa, Martin was 57 & i 56 when he died and it is the thought of perhaps living another 30 yrs without him that kills me too. Martin wasn’t well in the Nov with a cough GP said he had pleurisy, antibiotics seemed to work but it came back in the new year and he was in pain. He rang the docs telling them about the pain and head of the practice saw him immediately, she looked at his notes and knew that the other GP had missed something! She ordered an xray straight away and gave him painkillers etc but over that weekend he was in immense pain and I called the ambulance early hours of Sunday and he was admitted. They then after lots of tests, scans etc discovered our worst fear…Cancer and it was already stage 4, lungs, spine, hips, pelvis, legs, palliative care only to prolong life. We were in such shock.That was late January and they tried chemo & radiotherapy but they didn’t work. He spent sometime in hospital, then at the hospice to get his pain under control, home again for a while which was good for him and me and I cared for him with the carers who came 4 times a day. Then eventually the hospice again as his pain was much worse. He was admitted on the Monday 23rd April and he got an infection and pneumonia set in. Martin died in the hospice Saturday 28th April at
6 pm. I thought that my world fell apart on the day of diagnosis and it did, but the day he died was horrendous, he suffered right up to the end, he was fighting it all the way, I will never forget that day. I miss him every day and the 30 years we were together are what i have to hold on to. We loved each other so much, real soulmates and I will never forget him or find anyone like him again and I don’t want to, he was my one and only true love. We have to carry on as best we can but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish for this to all be a bad dream like you and hold him again and tell him how much I love him. Take care xxxx

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I understand. I lost my husband suddenly 7 weeks ago. We were married 24 years. He was only 48. Years stretch out in front of me and they terrify me. Without him.

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Hi Morr, so sorry that is so young and it is very early days for you too. We are here for you that is all we can do for each other. xxx

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So sorry for your loss Morr. Thinking of you.

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Hi Berniea. Ian was diagnosed in December 2016 with cancer of the oesophagus. He had other tests, then chemo before having an op in July 2017. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong and he was in hospital for 8 weeks. He finally came home and all seemed well although he still had pain. Dr said it was just pain from the op. Then in November he seemed to be getting weaker, sleeping more, spending more time in bed than out of it. Dr said it was to be expected after a big op. Xmas eve morning I called an ambulance as he couldn’t keep anything down. That was when we discovered he was terminal. But they thought they could stabilise him and start some treatment to slow things down. He went back into hospital on 6th January, was moved to a hospice on 19th and died on 20th. Like your Martin, he fought it but his death was horrendous and in no way peaceful. He didn’t deserve that. We were a team and did everything together. He was my best friend and it doesn’t seem right that he’s gone on without me.

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Dear Teresa

I am sorry for not replying sooner - but have been unbelievably busy at work and getting in too late to do anything other than manage something on toast for tea and bed. Gary had given up work but had become the ‘chief cook and bottle washer’ as he put it and took pleasure in cooking for me - he looked after me and I miss him so much - latte on the table and dinner ready in half an hour - He spoilt me rotten and it is hard leaving work and knowing he wont be waiting for me, My daughter still lives at home but she is often out - but the cat is waiting for me and I leave LBC on the radio so the house is not quiet. It is just six months for me - but time really does not have any meaning.

I think I am getting too old for this mad working pattern - but like you have no thoughts of retirement any more. I regret I had not cut my hours down even more - that was happening this year - we like you had planned it all. Big mistake… we had never planned anything before. We bloody jinxed it.

I think we all want things to be as they were. I cannot let myself think of a future - yes it is killing time I guess but Gary would be so disappointed in me - so for the time being it is a day at a time - and the only long term plan I have is to get a dog when I do retire.

I understand how you feel - I think we all feel the same. I have always been a glass half full person - and despite being sad I think I still am. I had forty wonderful years with a man that loved and cherished me, a true romantic but a clown too. That is never going to come my way again and I know how lucky I was - he would hate me being miserable and if he is still with me - which I know he is - I will live and laugh for him. So many tears but my children keep me going - he was so proud of them. He nearly died 23 years ago - so if you look at it like that I got 23 extra years.

I am sad - I do miss him so much - but am determined to look for the rainbow.

Take care XXX

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I feel the same as you. It’s 15 months since my Ian passed and life will never be the same without him. I miss him so much and even when the light appears it’s clouded because he isn’t here physically with me. I believe he is waiting for me and we will be together again when it’s my time to go but it’s just so hard without him. I have a lovely family, his stopped talking to me when he passed. Passively aggressive. My friends have been great and this has been a great help but it’s when I’m alone at night. Miss miss miss him so so much.
Sending love to all xxx

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Evening Trisha
You say such lovely things. You have a special gift and I know G is looking down on you saying how lucky he was to have had such a wonderful life with you sharing all the lovely times together, lovely children,and a lovely home. We both know what its like to have loved and lost our rocks our best friends.
We must hold on to our thoughts and know they may not be with us physically but the are with us mentally and I am sure going by things that have happended after their passing that they are looking down on us, I am sure of that!
My really good friend and lovely person I am so lucky to have met you and become friends with you Thank you my darling xxx

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Hi Trisha. Thank you for your lovely message. It was very inspiring. I’m just amazed at how many of us are in the same boat. Thinking of you all. X

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And I am equally lucky to have met you too Sue. You and Jen have made my time since I lost Gary much easier to bear. I don’t know what I would have done without you both to talk to, lean on and cry over.
xxxx

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Hi Theresa i am so sorry that you have lost the love of your life to that awful cancer .
I also lost my husband, in July last year to the same dreadful cancer that took your Ian.
He was awaiting an endoscopy for what we thought was hiatus hernia, he having experienced severe indigestion symptoms and increasingly unable to eat anything other than soup and soft foods. On the day the shock diagnosis of cancer of the oesophogus, we had never considered this, followed a week later by a CAT scan that it was also in liver and lymph nodes . He died 53 days later.
We had been married for 53 years , together since I was 16.
When you truly love someone I guess age and years together are immaterial the loss is immeasurable to all of us.but to me it was my life gone, I now know.
We have two children one two hours distance and the other on the other side of the world . I feel very alone in the home we had bought just 22 months earlier.
I know I shouldn’t whinge as I’m aware that there are many on this site that are totally alone . I try to fill my time but it all seems pointless and I spend far too much time ‘being stuck’ just sitting thinking about doing stuff but not actually doing it!!!
I thought I had been doing ok until a few weeks ago when it all seemed to come crashing down around me again .
Really who can you talk to , everyone has their own lives and problems and I think it looks like I’m getting on alright but I’m not!
I don’t know where to go from here and how to enjoy the years left to me (I’m 73 next week). I’m pretty sure my husband would want me to get on with life . He always said what’s happened has happened we have to move on but where do I move onto without him and I know it’s the same for all the unhappy people on this site.
My thoughts are with you as we start another week wondering what lies ahead for us.
Xxx

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