Just seems like days I can’t cope

I lost my mum In may, I’m 21 and today I had a job interview. And all I wanted to do was tell my mum. I feel like I’m crazy because I feel like she’s going to call me any second but she never does.

As I’ve said in previous posts I’m away from home studying at uni and don’t want to bother my family back home as I know they will only start to worry more.

My grandparents especially my grandma isn’t coping and I don’t want to add more stress to there plate. But i just feel lost.

I’ve been having really bad nightmares, lots of different but mostly just reliving my mums passing over and over again I was in the room when she passed away and it was the most traumatic thing to watch as to me even tho she was on a syringe drive to keep her comfortable, I can just feel it in my heart the pain she was actually feeling.
I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling for 3 months and I finally got my first appointment through today. But I’m worried they are just going to try and focus on my other issues before they try and handle bereavement as they aren’t bereavement specialists.

I don’t know what to do, I just feel really lost without my mum.

Hi abae
Do you have a friend u can chat to at uni.
I was with my mum when she passed she was on a syringe driver as was my husband from what I have seen the pain is managed and they mostly sleep the time away if the dose is given correctly. The pain should not be there. The struggle is usually more for the watcher. Not an easy thing to do for sure. Comfort for me is knowing they were not alone. Life as you know it has changed and will never be the same but it somehow works itself out I dont know exactly, how or when this happens but sad memories are replaced by good fond memories. Talk about your good memories when you can. Understand that the sadness will be all cconsuming and for some parts always be with you but also realise that as your mothers child her wish for you will always be for you to be happy in life and she would gladly have given anything to make sure you were happy. So for her memory achieve all you can and smile when you can knowing that if she could see you, you would fill her heart with warmth happiness

Not really,
My friends don’t really get it, or I just feel like I’m bothering them.
I try and think of positives all the time when I think of my mum, but sometimes it just gets to much and the tears start again.

I really hope she didn’t feel pain, but I think just because of how traumatic her death actually was I feel like there was no way that she wasn’t, if that makes any sense ?

Yeah I get the traumatic part but hopefully it was just traumatic to watch as opposed to how your mum felt. I dont have the answer I just for me think of it that way as I know the pain was managed by the drugs.
I know you dont want to burden your family but as a parent myself I would put my grief to one side for my daughters to help them through this and I know your grandparents are suffering the loss of their daughter but they would be there for you if you reach out. You are their daughters daughter you are their link to her and they will want to help you. Do reach out to them.

I am assuming you are a she so sorry if you are not?

Yeah I’m a she, thank you for your advice.
I speak to them everyday, but never bring up how I’m feeling because Everytime I ask how they are my grandad says my grandma is really struggling, and I really just don’t want to give them one more thing to worry about, they are 76 and both have a lot of stress already. And I just don’t want to add to it.

When you speak to the councellor explain that you want to talk through your bereavement as this is the most imortant thing that is stopping you moving forward and causing you the most distress so you want to work through that befor anything else is discussed.
I dont know how councelling works but thought its about helping with what is bothering you now.
There are plenty of people on here to chat to as well

Hi angel,
I truly believe your mum is watching over you . Please get specialist bereavement counselling. Speak to your gp and tell them how much you are struggling and contact Cruse.org.uk
My mum died 8 weeks ago in a horrible way . I feel much the same as you xx

Hi @abae

I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through, I’ve had two interviews since the death of my partner almost 4 months ago… I know exactly how you felt, reaching a milestone with no one to share and cheer for you, and suddenly you find yourself drowning in a deep sense of loss. I used to call him straight after all the interviews i had, you are younger than me and was it your first job interview? I am cheering for you proudly, try to imagine what she’d have told you, her words of encouragement.

Sending you a hug xxx

@Riley
No not my first interview, I’ve worked and studied since 16. But this was just my first one without my mum.

Thank you and sorry for your loss x

It’s so difficult, I spoke to my gp about it and they just told me they could put me on anti depression medication which isn’t something I want, they also just said it’s PTSD after watching my mum pass away and they hope it will fade in its own time. They weren’t much use.
But thank you for your advice ! And I’m sorry for you loss

It was also difficult because in the interview they asked about my family and reasons I left my last job. Which was because my mum became sick. So obviously my mums death then got brought up. Which just made it all the more worse because I had to continue the whole interview thinking about her. X

I am sure the interviewer would have understood your mood swing given the circumstances, it was brave for you to tell him/her the true reason and they must have appreciated your honesty. Xx

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