Sorry i am just here to vent a little today where people understand how I feel and i dont get told, ‘yeah but you gotto keep on going’, ‘time heals’, ‘look for the positives’, ‘just try and remember the good times’ ect ect. Quite obviously I know this but it doesnt stop the hurt.
I dont think there will ever be a day that goes by that I dont miss my mum. I want to speak to her almost every minute of the day and knowing i cant cuts deep. I thought I was prepared for her death but now realise nothing would’ve prepared me for this, living without her in my life is devastating. I get that chest knot & stabby feeling that goes through to your back and lump in my throat but cant cry at times. I just sit in pain remembering her then craving what I’ve lost and cant have. Hurting for her at all the things shes missing and wanted to see/do. I do believe shes watching us in a way but it’ll never be the same and I miss that more than anything on earth. Its been 6 months and I still have a hard time knowing I cant just go and see her tomorrow. My entire life has revolved around her especially the last 8 years and for her life to be cruely snatched is something I can’t get my head around. I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
Thankyou for letting me vent and for reading if you got this far.
I totally get what you’re saying. It’s physically painful as well as mentally. My mum died suddenly just over 3 weeks ago just 8 days after cancer diagnosis. It’s all very raw for me and excruciating. I know they mean well but I hate it when people say ‘you’ll have your memories’ or ‘your mum will live in your heart’ I just feel like screaming ‘I don’t want want mum to be a memory, I don’t want her in my heart. I just want her here, now, with me. Living breathing, making me a brew, coming on walks with me, going to concerts/holidays etc’ I still can’t believe she’s not here. I miss her so much I feel like going with her. I know I can’t and I won’t but life doesn’t seem worth living right now. There, I’ve vented too. It’s just what we need to do sometimes. You vent whenever you need to. Xxx
Hello both,
You are both right- it is good to vent and I think getting angry is part of the grieving process. We are all on this forum because we have lost a loved one and in pain because of it. I take no comfort from knowing other people are in as much pain as myself but do get some from knowing I am not alone in how I am feeling. I think people mean well when they say these things/ platitudes but most of the time ( well to me anyway ) it all sounds trite. Somebody told me it was what my Mum would have wanted?! They never knew my Mum - how do they know what she thought or wanted for me, my sister and her husband? I try not to get angry by thoughtless comments but I think most of them are just throwaway comments said with very little thought. In time we will learn to adjust to life as it now is but for now I think we can all safely say it is just horrible and empty … x
I think people are just searching for something to say when they come out with this stuff, I’ve probably even done it myself in the past, before I knew how this agony really feels. “You’ve just got to remember the good times” - er yes, that’s why this hurts so much, because they’re gone forever. “He wouldn’t want you to be like this” - I know, but he’s not here any more, so that’s why I’m like this.
It’s the desperate yearning for the past that’s flooring me now. I’m constantly thinking “why didn’t I cherish those times more, why didn’t I do more with him, why didn’t I tell him how much I loved and appreciated him”. We had so many good years of laughter and health, so I do feel fortunate for them, but the prospect of decades without that is so frightening. It’s a different, sadder, lonelier life ahead now, with an eternal aching sadness.
Julest,
How true. How do people even think they know.
I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my own enemy. Yu are right People make thoughtless comments. Not sure if they dont know what to say or what.
I love this site whether it is to vent something or write something about anything because people do not judge you. We should all be so proud of ourselves in the way we are reaching out to people and helping others.
I hope my posts at least help someone
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
Hi Deborah,
Yes you are helping me in many ways. It is cathartic to reach out to people who are going through the same awful time and be able to write without judgement. I note you wrote your message to me in the small hours so you must be up and down with your sleep again. As awful as it sounds I think this period of feeling empty, sad, angry etc is all part of what we must go through in order to come out the other side and start a different chapter. I’m not a religious person but I hold on to the fact my Mum may have been reunited with her own Mother, who she loved dearly. I think I’m only now truly understanding what my own Mum went through at the time. Our Mums will always be with us and the bond will never be broken. Just hurts not having her physically present - although I know the Alzheimer’s would have got worse for her and she hated what she was becoming. I’m finding myself going back to my childhood memories with my parents and fixating on things I cannot change. Ex: when I went through my indie/ goth phase over 35 years ago and drove then both mad with my music and vibrant hair colours and relentless moodiness. But, she was probably laughing at all that really. It’s just what we do I guess trying to make sense of it all. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the working week as have a busy caseload now. I feel sick just thinking about it but maybe will do me good to re focus. I don’t know anything for sure. Thank you for your kind words Deborah x
Jack3,
I know what you mean about yearning for the past. I also think about whether my Mum knew how much I loved her as I never told her much ( we are not a family for saying these things!). However, I think back to the holidays we all went on, how her grandchildren adored her, and everything we did for each other and realise actions speak louder than words. Sometimes words are not enough and I’m sure they knew inside just how much you cherished and loved them.
Exactly this! Your words are perfect x
Oh i understand exactly mum passed 3 months ago feels like only yesterday it hurts and people do not always have the words unless they truly have been through what we are feeling and going through. Had a proper cry today my eyes are sore .thinking of you
Hi Julest
Agree with everything you have written .I miss so much about my mum.The things she will no longer do or see
I wanted to share so many more things and times with her. I know though that there would never have been enough time even if she had lived to 100yrs I still would have said I wanted her to live longer
There is never ever ever enough time whatever she they are.
I am really struggling. Having the most awful time mum passed on Dec 30th and since then the weeks have been a blur.I sit sometimes and ask myself where did Jan and Feb go bec I sure don’t know. The crying hadn’t got easier.in fact it’s worse with the tightness in my throat and chest.I feel weak and exhausted from crying I try to rest but can never sleep I managed about two hrs tonight.Thank goodness for this site.When I wake on the night I just make a cuppa and come on here.Writing helps me so much and makes me focus on other people that understand
Am thinking of you
Deborah x