Just want to die

I my husband was my best friend and soulmate. We did everything together. He shouldn’t have died . He was let down by the nhs and I feel I let him down too. He was only 52 and I’m 48. I don’t want to live with out him


I am so very sorry for your loss. It is the worst feeeling in the world to lose your soulmate and it is hard to make the decision to carry on with life but please just take each day as it comes and take all the support you can get.
Like you I did not want or think I could live in a world without my beloved husband but now 10 months on some how I am still here.
We only met 3.5 years ago when I was 48 and he was 58, we were married for a year and a half. We were inseparable and I did not imagine I would be a widow at 52 years old.
I have found this forum invaluable even just reading the posts. You will realise you are not alone and what you are feeling is absolutely normal.
Keep talking and do what you need to do each day to get through this traumatic time in your life.

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Thank you for messaging me. I am so sorry to about your loss. I blame myself. Even though he was let down by the nhs in several areas , I still feel like as his wife I should have done more. One phone call sooner and I could have saved him. I should have been polite proactive. My husband had both vaccinations. We found our when he got sick that the medication he was on probably caused the vaccine not to work. I found this out when I phoned his nurse after he was taken into hospital. Apparently there was a study and they knew this for some months but never told my husband. I never thought I would lose him like this. Not yet. I wish I died instead. Xx

Dear JenW

Thankfully you have found this site and although nobody can change your loss we are all here for you. To post and read other people’s stories will hopefully help in the knowledge you are not alone, we most definitely know what you are going through and we most certainly don’t judge.
One day at a time, although easier said then done, and when things get tough reach out. We will hear you.
Like yourself I believe I should have done more for my husband. And yes I have days when I can’t get that thought out of my mind…… that’s when I turn to my new family on the site.
Sending you a hug


Dear Dee64,

Thank you for messaging me. I really don’t think I can live without my husband. We did everything together. I had the perfect husband. He made me feel so loved and safe. I feel so alone. Everyone is pulling away from me. The thought of living without him is unbearable. All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up again. He was so let down by the nhs . If only I made one phone call sooner. This is my punishment.


I truly feel your pain. I felt desperate just like you and although people were saying it will get easier I didn’t believe it because I couldn’t see how. The next year, 10 / 20 years of living without my husband Martin feels me with dread. But I do try and take one day at a time because to do anything else would be so painful others, my parents and family.
Do you have children? Do you have a good support net work around you?


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Dear JenW

As Dee64 has said please just take one day at a time. An hour at a time if need be. I am one year on after loosing my husband. He too made me feel safe, loved and assured. We were together from our teens and now approaching my 62nd birthday without him - there are no words to describe how I feel. But I cling on as I could not be responsible for causing more pain to family left behind.

Grief makes us question everything we did, could have done etc. when in reality we did everything we could do at the time. Please keep posting on this forum, please surround yourself with friends and family.


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Hi JenW,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There are lots of other support options out there, and I would really encourage you to get in touch and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling .

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

It’s so important that you get care and support, so please keep posting on here and reaching out to the community.

Take care,


Hi. JenW
Please don’t punish yourself about not doing more for your husband, I’m sure you did all you could. I lost my husband 13 weeks ago and he was my soulmate, we were together from being 16 (now 55). Like you I can’t think of the future without him. None of us know what’s around the corner, so we don’t know how long we have. I live from day to day and think that’s another day closer to being with him. It does help talking on here and realising you’re not the only one grieving.


I feel exactly the same ,no life without her,no point at all.Wake up alone,spend all day alone ,what sort of life is this without the ones you love.Michael.

I often think how would my darling Martin being coping now if it was me who had passed …… I wish it had been me……

I’m sitting on the settee, my usual place, looking at the empty armchair my husband would normally be sitting in and I feel like I am living somebody else’s life.
It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband and it still feels so unreal.
It doesn’t matter how much company I have or how busy I keep myself, when I stop it all comes flooding back and the loneliness creeps back in. Nothing really keeps the pain away for long.

Dee xx


Likewise here,my wife would lay on the settee next to my armchair and we would watch tv but now just me ,I also wonder what if it had been me to go first,I think she would have coped much better,she was a strong woman,I mean that in a nice way .Yes you are right ,as soon as you are alone again after seeing someone it all comes crashing down again.The sick feeling the stomach wrenching and yes it is unreal ,sometimes I think it has all been a dream but alas not so.She has gone and I am all alone.Keep in touch Dee. Michael.