Like most members on here I have days when I cope and days when I struggle enormously. Yesterday was one of those days when I had a total melt down.
Sitting in my daughter’s garden watching my only grandson playing. He’s 2 1/2 and my life line at the moment while I try and come to terms with the death of my husband 4 months ago followed by mum shortly after.
Due to covid and living overseas we were not able to travel. Once restrictions had been lifted we had planned for my husband to come to UK to see his grandson for the first time. I was lucky in that I had met him when he was 2 weeks old prior to covid. We had planned for my husband to come over in March this year and I would come over in July. We had never travelled together due to the amount of rescue animals we had and had always said when we took them on that one of us would always be at home for them. So when my husband insisted that I came in March instead of him, I came. 3 weeks after I returned to Cyprus my husband died and never got the chance to meet our grandson.
Watching him playing in the garden yesterday absolutely broke my heart knowing he never got to meet his granddad.
The tears flowed (as much as I try to hide my feelings in front of him as he is so young) but he came up to me, gave me a cuddle and said “nanny, don’t be sad”. My daughter on the other hand was very dismissive and thinks after 4 months I should be getting over it and moving on. Feeling so sad at the moment. Tossed and turned last night and feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Hi grief has no limits as far as time is concerned. Everyone is different sorry to hear your daughter isn’t that sympathetic. Four months is no time at all as far grief is concerned. You have lost a big part of your life how are you supposed to get over it and move on.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You need support and love and people around you. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. Your the one in the arena your not sitting in the cheap seats. Like she is take care much love Mark
I am so sorry to read about your situation. Not only the death of your husband but also your mother. It’s hard when others expect that we should be moving on/forward with our lives when it is only a short time after our loved ones have died. I think I have read in other posts that you will be moving back to Cyprus as that is where your husband is. Maybe that will give you some peace. Only you will know. Whatever you decide I wish you well.X
Thank you both for your words and support, they really do mean so much when you are not getting support from those you hoped you could rely on. I’m totally heart broken as my daughter has always been my best friend and someone I could always rely on (and visa versa). I’m utterly deverstated that I feel our relationship will never be the same especially when she told me that she thinks I enjoy seeing other people suffer and I am making it all about me. To be told those words has really knocked me back and is furthest from the truth. I really wouldn’t wish this on anyone…it is truly hell dealing with all this and having no support other than from members on this group. Thank you again and I wish you both well in our journey of grief.
Hi @Heartbroken2022 sounds like your being judged to me by your daughther. She’s not thinking about you at all. How anyone could say that at a time like this. Is well beyond me it’s simple your in pain a lot and need support and people around you.
What if it were the other way around and she lost her partner. I can’t see you doing the same to her. She has no idea how much pain your in.
I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself. We all do and I’m sure I was like most people who before it happened to me I wasn’t as sympathetic as perhaps i should have been. l try to be as empathetic as I can be and i find it easy now. People generally can’t cope with others crying in front of them and we gradually learn to cry in private if possible. its a pity but that is how it is. Hugs to you.
@MarkC you have hit the nail on the head!
I always knew it was going to be a struggle trying to adapt and fit in with their lifestyle but having to bottle up my feelings at a time like this has not helped me get my head round the loss of everything that I held dear. Never in a million years would I have classed her as selfish and uncaring but this has opened my eyes to the reality that she will never understand the depths of despair when you loose someone that you love. My husband was her stepfather and gave her away at her wedding in Cyprus and she put a card on his grave saying “sleep well, don’t worry we will look after mum” It breaks my heart that the words were furthest from the truth. So sad.
Thank you. I have had to hold my feelings in because my daughter doesn’t want to talk/discuss what/how I am feeling. I don’t have a choice but to cry alone which really isn’t good for anyone going through what we are all feeling. I just feel that 4 months down the line I am going backwards. For 35 years I have supported my daughter, always been there for her (even from afar living abroad) and am totally shocked/disappointed that in my hour of need that for whatever reason, she doesn’t feel that she should/could support me through the darkest days. As a mother, we love our children unconditionally but I am so hurt and it’s just another thing to put on the list to deal with. Hugs back to you and hope you are doing ok. x
Heartbroken2022
I do hope that you will find the sun shining soon. I am lucky as two of my sons visit most days and have bear hugs. Not the same as their dad but a good substitute at this time. Big hugs to you.
Thank you. I was always the extrovert one, happy, outgoing, compassionate and strong one out of the two of us and at 61 years old I know the sun will shine for me one day in the future. I know it’s what my husband would have wanted as I would for him.
I am so glad to hear that you have 2 loving sons who care for you and are there to support you. Big hugs back at you. xx
It’s unbelievable how some people can be so thoughtless and have no regard for someone else’s feelings and when it’s your own daughter makes me want to weep. No wonder you feel hurt I would, I bet your husband loved her like she was his own and would be horrified about the way she’s treated you. I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband and then your mum you must feel so low and the one person who should be there for you isn’t. Sending you so much love and a big hug, hang in there we are all here for you xx
@Misprint Thank you for your support, it means a lot at this sad time. Yes, Michael treated her as his own daughter and would be so disappointed and upset at this situation. It hurts that she wrote the words “sleep well, don’t worry we will look after mum” in a card to him. I was absolutely dreading returning to Cyprus but this has seriously broken me but like all of us, I need to grieve to be able to move forward and without support I don’t feel as if I can with the present situation.
I read the posts on this group and see other members dismay/hurt at the lack of support from family/friends and it breaks my heart that we are all in a situation that none of us asked for. It definitely is a case of until you have experienced it, you cannot begin to understand or have empathy. I don’t know where some of us would be if it wasn’t for this group. At least we know the emotional rollercoaster a loss can bring and can give support when needed. Sending you love and hugs back and hope you are doing ok. xx
I know exactly how you feel I’m in the same situation with step family their cruel behaviour is beyond belief as I apparently wasn’t listening to what I was supposed to do according to them so you are not alone in this situation I only wish I could advise you how to cope as I’m struggling big time myself .
Mark