8 months back I lost my mom very suddenly and we were some arguments before 6 months of her passing away, Since she has gone depression had taken over and I consulted a psychologist, worked with her but nothing happened, I went to vipassana and I became very strong but 20 days after vipassana I went back to same thought pattern, today my therapist blocked me and my body aches and my mind is trapped, please help. Anything supportive will really help me to get over today
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Hi Varun,
Sometimes we can just try to hard to get through everything.
Just plan a few small things for each day and stick to it. Small little jobs or things to do.
Depression during grief is normal I have and still do feel depressed at times.
Try to go out for a walk for just five minutes each day.
Your mind feels trapped because it’s the grief doing it to you.
Distraction is the thing .Try to find things to distract you so you can get stronger to deal with the grief.
Love Deborah
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Thanks for replying, I did go for a walk seeing your message, idk someday are very tough, its takes a toll on you. I appreciate your help, hope you are okay as well?
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Great you went out today. Just do 5 mins this week then a few more next week
Yes it’s tough going for sure.
But I am determined to make my mum proud of me so I am going to find the strength from somewhere to get through it.
Small steps each day
Deborah
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Thank-you Deborah
I want to do this as well but sometimes our mind play games so bad. But yes small steps everyday will be my motto as well, Thankyou. I just needed this support so bad
You are very welcome Varun.
Keep telling yourself every morning " I am worth getting through this " and it will give you the boost to motivate yourself for the rest of the day.
Every night write a short list for the next day. Things to do. Tick them off at the end of the following day even if you just do one. Gives you a sense of achievement and positivity
You are not alone in all this grief. Look upon it as a horrible nasty monster that you have to fight and never let win.
Sending love
Deborah
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That is beautiful Deborah, I want to try this, and hopefully I will do it, thanks
Hi Varun,
How are you getting on ?
Deborah
I am okay Deborah, somedays are difficult but I make up a point to go for a walk, my target is 3000 to 4000 steps. Yesterday evening was very difficult. Can I just tell you how much it means you are checking on me, my therapist after charging me big fees never cared to txt me. Thankyou so much Deborah
Aww you are so welcome.Please don’t thank me because that’s what this site is for. We all need to feel cared for and have someone to reply.
Walking is good.
I went to a local beach the other evening as the tide was in and the sun was setting and realised I should go there more as it helped me to switch off completely.
It really was a tonic to my wellbeing
I have never gone to a therapist of any kind do dont have any experience of them but I appreciate they charge high fees.
I have found great support on here. Posting to my regular friends on here and supporting new people and much as I can. It is difficult to keep up of course with everyone and I realise it’s not possible to reply to all as heartbreaking as it is.
Sometimes it helps to post yo newcomers on here and explaining how we ourselves have coped and got to this point. Explaining that walking has helped and setting your targets to walk so many steps each day may help someone do post about that. I am sure it will help someone. Then that in itself will help you.
I was privileged I had the most amazing mum who knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. That is a very special gift and bond.
I always think of it as being a golden thread that ran between mum and I and a bond you could almost touch.
It hasn’t been broken by death. In fact it has been strengthened.
I am living my life with her alongside me.Everywhere I go and everything I do is with her with me. Just invisible but she’s alongside me. Sometimes I talk to her as I am walking along and people must think I am mad but hey who cares!
We have to go whatever we feel is best for ourselves.
Sounds like walking is helping you do well well done.
Maybe you could keep a diary of where you walked to and add little things like a postcard, pressed flower,photo, momento of the walk such as a pebble, leaf, feather or anything you find on your walk. It would be lovely to look back on .Just write a word or simple sentence each day.
Just remember it’s the smallest steps that you can take that matters. No need for anything more.
Nothing will take the pain away do don’t try. Just do things every day to ease the pain a little. That’s what I do anyway.
Sending love
Deborah
You are an inspiration Deborah, Thankyou for writing so beautifully.
I love how you go the local beach which helps you, I need to find a way to put other things to my schedule.
I have been helping and posting regularly on the app but there are times that I am caught in grief that it takes a toll on me, its easy for me to write to others but I am myself struggling at times. I do have some friends whom I have on DM here but very difficult to keep up.
I love how you describe your relationship with your mom, its so beautiful.
Me and mom had a great relationship but due to my career stress and some setbacks I wasn’t talking to her and was hurting her. I didn’t know that in 6 months she will be gone when she was perfectly well. It came as a big shock to me honestly and it has not yet healed although I try to cope with it but because I wasn’t talking to her properly it is the guilt,regret that troubles me too. You know we celebrate our birthdays together on the same day and this year it affected me so much.
I will keep the diary as well as you told me
Thanks for listening to me and sharing your story as well, it is very helpful
Hi Varun,
How are you getting on today?
I have read on this site that many people have had arguments, fall outs and words with their mums and feel terribly guilty when they pass.
As a mum of a 29year old myself I can assure you that the bond is never broken between a mother and son/daughter. You may think it is but its not.
You may feel guilty for lots of reasons but its in the past so leave it in the past and hold your head up high and live teh best life you can for both yourself and your mum.
Of course those are just words and maybe not so easy to implement when grief takes its nasty hold on you. But remember every day you and your body gets a tiny bit stronger and the awful pain starts to ease.
Yes there will eb times when grief takes so much hold on you that you cannot write on here. I am sure that is the same for everyone. Just go with it. Dont post for a day or two or even a week. People on here understand. Everyone needs a break even from posting. But its just a break. There will be ups and downs all the time but knowing you have a safe place to write and post when you recover is wonderful.
Nothing shocks people on her. That’s all you will get is pure understanding from the heart. People understand how hard it is to get through each day and carry on.
As I said before you are not alone.
I am nowhere near ok still after 18months and if I am honest I don’t want to eb. But I have to put a brave face on and almost be like an actor to my family as otherwise other people suffer because of my actions and i would never want that to happen.
Yes write the diary. Look back on it at the end of each month.
Here are other things you could do.
Make a display on a table about your mum or a photo display.
Make a garden area dedicated to her or just a pot of flowers.
Do something special every month just to remember her like wallking in a special place or visiting somehere where she went even if its just a market.
Visit someone who knew your mum.
Light a candle for her for five minutes every night just to remember how she lit up your world.
Just a few ideas for you that I have done to help me
Keep posting on here to all the lovely people you have met. Make it a target for each day. Thats what I do
Sending love
Deborah
I pretend to be okay, honestly a lot of things have happened back to back and I guess with time things will get better but Deborah can I tell you how grateful I am to you for checking on me, nobody has done that ever including my family.
I try not to think about our arguments during the later stages but it drags me sometimes into a bad space but I am trying and your words help me, you being a mom specially I am sure you understand and I know my mom didn’t think ill of me. Its just I have always respected her but just when I was going through a lot in my career and her sudden passing made me feel terrible.
This is a great space and so thankful for people like you to help me when people around me have given up. I want to learn this acting skill from you to put up a brave face and during work I do that but as soon as I come back home where I lost my mom it takes a toll.
I love your ideas and diary is something I have started, I also light an essence or agarbatti is what we call here in India which she used to use twice a day and I try that. I will try to incorporate other things as well, thanks Deborah. You are a beautiful human being and god bless you.
Good morning Varun,
Brilliant you are going to try some of the ideas.
Don’t think back with regret or guilt as it will clog up your mind and have a huge impact on your own wellbeing.
Everything in life will pass and in time all this grief will get easier to cope with.
So start putting things into place to build up your life again to make 100% certain your mum would be proud of you.
If you work ask about promotion opportunities. If you font work look for courses or training opportunities. Maybe set up your own business of some kind.
You can do anything once you see your heart to do it and believe in yourself.
I am retired now so in time I will start traveling again but in the meantime I am going to explore places nearby which will such a lot of fun.
We have so many beaches, mountains and countryside areas nearby where we live along with lots of pretty villages and towns so as I plough my way through this grief I shall I intend visiting so many lovely places soon.
Hope you have a better day than yesterday and tomorrow will be even better than today even in just a tiny improvement.
Do something different today if you can. Work on those small steps and the diary if you feel like it.
Keep telling yourself you are worth getting through this grief. Keep plodding on through the good and the bad hours.
Keep posting on her to all the people you have posted to.
Keep going ok
Deborah
That is beautiful of you to say and trust me I try that but I am at times very stuck, I have my own work in investment but I do struggle to focus because my mind is just sad. But with your help I am trying to work on myself, its been 4 days I am going for a walk everyday and trying some more of your ideas.
I want to go back and do my masters but I have lost confidence in myself.
I am so happy to read that you are starting your travel and do explore alot of things, ik we are strangers but if you plan to come to mumbai,India I am happy to help in anyway possible. It will be like I am helping my mom.
I am just taking a screenshot of this and put as my wallpaper, I want to move forward Deborah, I really do and I try but I am making a mess, my family is just over after mom, nobody talks, moreover lost my confidence. I feel good talking to you.
You’ve helped me alot in these 3 days, Please stay in touch and I will keep messaging you but if you don’t like please do tell me. I do respect you alot