I haven’t been here for a long while. Tom died 2.5 years ago and I had thought I was on the up, through the worst, on my way to a new life.
I bought my new house last November and started a new relationship around the same time. But, the day I moved in, I broke my foot. That sense of restart, of being in control, of being on the cusp of something really good, snatched away just as I thought I was crossing the finishing line of grief.
Ha! Hubris, right? So I have been forced into patience these past 7 months, into limping, then into plaster and now, an Aircast walking boot. 2 crutches have been my constant companions.
Most recently, I have sat in the same chair, in the same place, for the past 7 weeks and counting. I couldn’t put weight on the foot and had to have it raised all the time.
So, from this throne, I have directed deliveries of furniture bought online (mostly hits, a few misses) and watched in dismay as contractors have messed up jobs around the house with depressing frequency. I have said “I wish Tom was here” a thousand times and more. It has been, my friends, a total bug/r.
What I have realised in my period of forced patience and zero weight-bearing, is a bunch of stuff that I thought I would share, in case a granule or two of these life lessons will help someone.
Ok - so first up is - there ain’t no finish line to grief. Grief is not a race or a chore to be done, with a definitive end point. No, grief is a constant companion, there to teach, to heal, to sting, to remind us of those we loved, who we were, who we are now. It’s hard.
Second - uncertainty trumps control. It does. I have been a control freak all my life - and now, after my foot - I have had to cede that. I can’t control everything and that uncertainty is the only certainty. That one was one big dose to swallow.
Third - a new relationship, with or without a broken foot, is not an easy thing. It is not the same. It is with a new person, with different contours, different ways and means.
There is joy here but a slower pace, a different kind of communication - not as I once had with Tom, which was a constant ripple, like how a mountain stream flows along - but rather a learning, a getting to know and understand someone from scratch, with all the misunderstandings and surprises that entails.
When we have been in loving, established relationships where we know our beloved so deeply, it is easy to think it is possible to have all that again quickly with another. It isn’t - at least - it hasn’t been for me. It takes time, it takes work, it takes patience - yet the underlying magic is still there. This magic, like seeds, needs time to take root in deep earth, in good, healthy, generous soil, and then to grow. I have had to check myself more than once, and think of earth’s time, not mine.
So, I am still here, in my chair, with my poor old foot in a boot - but now I am planning things to do next month and beyond, in the hope that I will be up and running again. But I will be carrying my hard won lessons with me as I go - for sure, life’s more certain with them!
Hold tight, everyone, and let’s be careful out there xx
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